The Lost Years
by Nightwitch87
Summary: After a few years, Tess and Nick return from Argentina. They pick up Charlotte and return to Drover's Run, where they are warmly welcomed by everyone. But some wounds run deeper than expected and old scars are torn open once again...FINISHED!
1. Dear Charlotte

Disclaimer: All characters of the TV-show „McLeod's Daughters" are property of "Nine Network", "The South Australian Film Corporation" and "Millenium Television"(all additional characters, such as Emily, are property of the author).This is a non-profit story that was written for mere enjoyment. Any similarities to living or deceased persons are coincidental and were not intended by the author.

**The Lost Years**

_Dear Charlotte,_

_I'm glad to hear that school is going so well and that you are enjoying the books I sent you. You can learn a lot from reading, keep that up and I'm sure your second year will go as well as the first one did!_

_Be patient with Natalie, though, even if she says mean things every once in a while. People do that sometimes, it doesn't mean that they don't love you. She is getting older and has reached an age where you want to be alone more often. It's not that easy to understand, but you see, sisters who are as far apart as you two often don't enjoy the same things. Now I know that the Playmobil pirate set you got for Christmas sounds like the best thing ever to you right now, but to her, it doesn't. You probably wouldn't like to play with a rattle, either(although I have to admit that Playmobil is a lot more fun than a baby's rattle). That's nothing to worry about, you'll always be her little sister._

_Knocking before you enter her room may be a good idea, though. If she doesn't answer or tells you to leave her alone, then don't go inside, as hard as it is. That way, you don't have to fight all the time. _

_I know it can be tough to be the younger one, your mum and I could hardly agree on games when we were little. She wanted to play jillaroo, I wanted to play family. Most of the time, we ended up pretending to be ranchers, with Claire being the leader. _

_But believe me, there will come a time when you'll be glad to have a sister. Even those little fights make life more exciting and, most importantly, you're never alone because there's always someone to talk to. _

_My darling niece, I can't wait to see you. A year can be a very long time and our last visit was too short. I'm also glad that your dad has allowed you to stay on Drover's for a few days. From your letter, I take it you're excited to see everything. You asked many questions, but I'm afraid I won't be able to answer them today because I'm busy packing our stuff so it will arrive in Australia on time. I promise to tell you everything you want to know in a couple of weeks!_

_Nick says hi, as always, and so does Emily._

_Love and hugs,_

_Aunt Tess_

_P.S.: In case you were wondering why there are blotches at the bottom of the paper-Em tried to__"read" the letter right after eating a sandwich, sorry. _


	2. A Long Day

„Are we there yet?" a whiny little girl's voice asked from the back seat. It seemed to be the key sentence of the day, reflecting the impatience of the three people crammed inside the car with their entire luggage.

"Not yet, sweetheart." Tess sighed. "You asked that question about five times in the past ten minutes." But who could really blame Emily? The long flight had made Tess tired herself. If she could hardly stand this long car ride, how could she expect a child to bear it quietly? Her back, her whole body ached; she felt sticky and was pretty sure she smelled like it, too. The thought of meeting Peter Johnson in her sweaty clothes with greasy hair wasn't exactly appealing, but she had promised to visit Charlotte as soon as they reached the city, before looking for an affordable hotel room. All that she really wanted to do was to take a shower and fall into her bed. _Her_ bed, her bed at Drover's. The thought of it made her smile. Just one more night, and she would be back on the farm.

"We'll be there soon, Emmy. Try to sleep a little." Nick said soothingly. How could he always be so calm?

"But my butt hurts…"

"I know, it's the same for all of us. But if you close your eyes now, we may be there when you wake u- hey!" He honked as the van driving next to them swerved to the left, pressing him closer to the rout. "Idiot…" Or maybe not quite as calm…

"Want me to drive?"

"No, that's okay. Thanks, though."

"But you've been behind the wheel for such a long time, we're all tired, are you sure you don't want me to take over?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"But wouldn't it be safer-"

"Tess, I can do this, alright?" he answered sharply without raising his voice.

"If you say so." Sometimes, Tess doubted if she would ever understand this whole ego-thing. She knew why it was so important to him to prove himself, with regard to his injured leg, but why did he still think he had to prove anything to _her_? What was it with men and their sense of masculinity?

"Look, mummy, ovejas!" Emily exclaimed with excitement, pointing at a herd.

"Yeah, sheep!"

For a while, they kept heading down the road, each of them quietly lost in thought. They drove for ten, fifteen, twenty miles, but the deserted area still looked the same: ochre hills and plains of dry earth with stubbles of grass. The air was filled with a sandy dust, there had to have been a long period without rain. All of this land would be green in winter.

Nick shot a glance in the mirror and grinned. "Hey, looks like she's fallen asleep at last."

Tess turned around. "I thought it was getting awfully quiet back there." The picture of her daughter's head resting against the window, the blond hair covering half of her face made her heart cringe. She looked so much like a younger Charlotte. It seemed like yesterday when another little girl had been sitting in the back seat-but it wasn't. Her BOM wasn't all that little anymore, and Tess hadn't been there for her.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"Oh, I was just thinking…about Charlotte, you know, about everything…"

"It's gonna be great to see her again."

"Yes. Yes, it will be." she reiterated as if to convince herself of it. "But Nick, it's been such a long time, what if she doesn't feel comfortable around us anymore? Our visits were so short and this is her first stay on Drover's…I mean she barely knows us."

"You wrote to her as often as possible-"

"Letters, pictures, a few phone calls, it's just not the same. I should have been there for her, like I promised. I _promised_ to take care of her, Nick!" She took a deep breath, pushing back a loose strand of hair.

A moment of silence passed between them. When Nick spoke again, his voice was barely above a whisper. "And I thought it had been your choice, too."

Tess looked over at him and saw the pain in his eyes, which caused her to feel sorry for her words. "It was, really. I told you to take that job you wanted so much, and I knew BOM would be fine with Peter and Julia. It's just that sometimes…I feel guilty about it."

"Do you regret it?"

"No, I wouldn't want to miss the past four years, but I regret…not watching Charlotte grow up. And I often wonder what Claire would have said if she had known I'd leave her daughter with Peter."

"You can't know if Claire would have been against it, after all, she wanted him to sign the birth certificate…and it was _you _who wanted Charlotte to grow up in a 'normal' family with her sisters."

"I know that, Nick, I know." She sighed, he wouldn't understand. "I suppose I'm a bit nervous about moving back here, about how everything will develop."

"So am I." He gave her a quick look, smiling. "I'm sure it's gonna be fine."

They had driven into the city, ochre plains were replaced by grey, high houses and streets with more traffic. Everything seemed more hustled here, as if everyone were running out of time. Although Tess liked the summer in the country, when it wasn't too hot at least, she couldn't stand it in the city. The air would be "standing" there, without the least bit of circulation, and all too often it was filled with emissions and dust from the asphalt. Fortunately, what they called a "city" wasn't really a big one. Compared to Adelaide or Melbourne, Fisher was a village. It was merely the afternoon traffic in the business area that made it appear so busy.

"Where do I turn left again?" Nick asked with a hint of nervousness.

"After the old office building, you know, the one with the bricks, there should be a marker with- ah, there it is, Acacia Drive! Turn right here!"

"Right!"

"Yeah, it's shorter, trust me." He steered very rapidly, but not even that was enough to wake up Emily, who was still sleeping tightly.

"I hope you know where we're going…"

"You've got to trust me, Nick."

He grinned. "Like I did on our trip to the Mercedario?"

"Hey, that was different! You don't follow a city girl out in the wilderness. Roads with asphalt and identifiable houses-that's my domain."

"Well, then tell me, _city girl_, do I turn left here?"

"Yeah, we should be at-ah, there we are." She beamed at him proudly. "Does that look familiar to you?" They had arrived in a nice neighbourhood with modest, attractive houses and-more or less-neat front gardens. It was a clean residential area, nothing pompous.

"I am speechless" Nick commented, parking the car in front of a garage, which belonged to the red, rather flat house they knew well. "impressed by your navigating skills."

She simply answered with a pseudo-insulted look, before turning around to their daughter. "Emily…wake up, honey. We're there."

The little girl stirred, rubbing her right cheek. "No…"

Nick chuckled. "Oh, so you don't wanna see Charlotte?"

Suddenly, Emily was wide awake. "What! We're there?"

Tess opened the door, ready to stretch her limbs a little, but her daughter had already wriggled out of the car, running towards the house. "Wait for us, Em!"

Her call fell on deaf ears, so Nick and Tess hurried to catch up with her. She was waiting for them at the front door. "Can you ring the bell now, mummy?"

"You can ring it, too." The little girl shook her head and stepped back a bit. "Emmy, that dog won't bite you. He just barks because he wants to defend his home against burglars."

Tess didn't have the nerve to really deal with her daughter's fear at that moment. As she rang the doorbell, her heart rate seemed to be racing more than ever. As always, they were greeted by high-pitched yapping, which made Emily move even closer to her parents' side. A girl in her early teens opened the door.

"Hi, Allana." Tess smiled at the eldest Johnson child, who had changed a lot in the past year. She was wearing make-up now, quite heavy make-up for her age and her red spaghetti strap top was very different from the baggy T-shirts she had worn before. "It's nice to see you again."

"Hi" she replied in a friendly, but confused tone. "We didn't expect you so early…mum's gone shopping, she should be back in an hour or so, though. Oh, sorry, come inside."

"Thanks."

"Shut up, Cooper!" Allana closed the door and lead them into the small hall. "Charlie! Dad! Charlie's aunt is here!" When she noticed how suspiciously Emily was eying her dog, she crouched down to pat his head. "You don't need to be afraid of that little bugger, he's just a poor old crossbreed who doesn't have many things to do besides barking."

A loud cry of joy could be heard from the stairs. "Auntie Tess!" Charlotte was downstairs in a matter of seconds, practically flying into her aunt's arms.

"Hey!" For a moment, she was unable to utter anything else, just embracing her niece tightly in a mixture of laughter and true emotion. She loved those moments.

"I missed you sooo much!"

"I missed…you too, Charlotte. More than you can imagine." She felt a lump in her throat that threatened to break the happy façade and tried to shrug it off with a big smile. "But hey, it's great to see you again!"

"Emily, this is your cousin Charlotte. We had a picnic with her by the lake last summer, do you remember?"

" 'Course!" She smiled hesitantly, both girls were a bit unsure of what to say.

Nick, who had been waiting in the background quietly, watching the reunion with a sense of contentment, was next to be greeted with a hug(albeit a slightly smaller one). The group hadn't even noticed Peter coming out of his office until he cleared his throat audibly. "Hello, Tess…Nick…Emily." The little girl was the only one he genuinely smiled at. In all of the years, they hadn't been able to eliminate the awkward stiffness entirely. Too many things had happened. "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yeah-long, but without complications."

He nodded. "Julia was going to have some tea and cake ready for you, but I'm afraid we didn't count on your early arrival. For now, I guess all you'll get is tea."

"Dad…" Both his daughters gave him a look that may have been supposed to express something like 'let's not waste our time with tea', or perhaps 'don't make a big deal of it'. It was hard to tell sometimes.

"You don't need to make tea just for us, Peter, thank you." Tess rejected the offer diplomatically. "It's a bit hot for it, anyway. Just a glass of water would be great."

"All right, then." They went into the living room, sitting down on the dark brown couch. Charlotte was obviously getting impatient, but didn't dare to say anything, just like Emily. The first few minutes were always strange. Deep down inside, Tess was hoping that this awkwardness would slowly disappear now that she could see her niece more often.

"I'm sorry we didn't tell you we'd be this early." Nick broke the silence. "It wasn't easy to rent a car that could be returned in Gungellan, and we didn't count on it going so fast."

"You don't need to apologize for that, I'm glad you made it here all right."

"Where's Natalie?"

"Shopping with Julia. They were gonna buy her some new clothes-not that she doesn't have enough. She should be back soon."

Peter handed each of them a glass of water. "Thanks."

Emily's face lit up. "Look, daddy, my cup has Shrek, el ogro, on it!"

"Yeah, we watched that movie the other day, didn't we?"

"Really? Natalie used to love that film." Peter explained. "She even collected Shrek stickers…you could ask her about them sometime, I'm sure she still has them somewhere. Charlotte and Allana are different, they never liked it."

Suddenly, the adults were involved in a conversation about their children, and the awkwardness subsided bit by bit. The gap between them wasn't as wide as it had seemed at first; raising kids was a similar experience in Argentina and Australia. BOM and Emily ran upstairs, since Charlotte wanted to show the latter her new room and Allana grabbed the phone and called a friend, bored with the conversation.

After about half an hour, Julia and Natalie joined them, and although Nick and Tess politely refused it, Julia insisted that they would have some coffee and biscuits together. She was always so well-meaning and in a way, Tess admired her for it. As they were talking about Charlotte, she realized once more how difficult it must have been for Julia to raise a child, who was the result of her husband's affair with another woman, as her own. Everything was going well, so Tess assumed that this was the perfect moment to ask what she had been longing to know for a long time. She had never received a clear answer to any of her questions on the phone, but now, face to face, it was harder to escape the subject.

"I'm so excited to show Charlotte around on Drover's tomorrow! It's great that she can stay with us for the weekend."

Peter emptied his cup of coffee. "Well, you're certainly not the only one who's excited about it."

"It's the only thing she's been talking about in the past few weeks." Julia added with a smile.

"Peter…one thing I've been wondering about is…what made you change your mind?"

"Change my mind?"

"…with regard to Charlotte. You've been trying so hard to keep us from taking her back to the farm, but now…there's no problem with it." She tried to formulate it as carefully as possible because she knew how difficult Peter could be once he felt "attacked", but somehow, it wasn't working.

"Tess" he sighed. "I didn't try to _keep _you from taking her back there, you knew my reasons, why it wasn't possible the past few-"

"Yeah, I know, Charlotte was sick, you had different plans for the break, she would have been afraid to stay with 'foreigners' she hasn't seen for a long time, it wouldn't be good to remove her from her home right before her first day of school…" Reciting his specious arguments made her angry. How was it possible that she had never managed to stand up to him? How was it that he had always found a good reason why her niece could not stay with her at her birthplace during the few days a year Tess was able to spend time with her? But that was exactly the point…the _few _days a year she was there. Could she just come back from Argentina for a vacation and demand to be allowed to take her with her? No, she couldn't, it wasn't her place to do so. She was guilty, she was the one who had broken her promise and left, how could she _demand_ anything? And yet…she could have. She could have. "what was the true reason?"

"I told you-"

"Peter" his wife interrupted him gently. "don't you think they have a right to know?"

"Great…" he muttered, as all eyes turned on her.

"So there is another reason? Please, Julia, if there is one, tell me…I need to know."

"I can't…I'm sorry."

Nick turned to Peter angrily. "When Tess gave Charlotte into your care, you promised you'd never put any obstacles in the way of their contact!"

"Come on, I didn't move to another continent, did I! And you could _always _see her when you came back!"

Julia laid a hand on his arm. "Sshh, the girls are upstairs…and if you're not going to tell them, I will. We don't have anything to be ashamed of, it was his fault!"

"What on earth are you talking about?" Tess asked desperately.

Peter shook his head, releasing a deep breath. "All right. I think all of us should calm down a bit. Now to your first question, Tess: Since you're moving back here, I can hardly prevent you from taking Charlie to Drover's for a visit. And besides, she has asked me so many questions about it lately…I just think it's good for her to get to know her first home. Ask Alex about all other things."

Right at that moment, Allana entered the living room. She immediately noticed the tense mood. " 'scuse me…mum, do you know where my black shirt with the band logo is?"

"It should be in the dryer."

"It's not."

"Okay" she sighed. "I'll help you look for it." She left the room with her daughter, obviously glad to be out of the line of fire.

"Alex?" Nick was baffled, but only for a moment. Suddenly, everything appeared logical. Peter hadn't wanted Charlotte to come to Drover's with them because he didn't want her to get in touch with Alex. "What happened? Did you fight over something?"

"Yeah, right, because I would keep _my_ daughter away from her mother's home due to a simple argument…please, really, ask him about it. You wouldn't believe me anyway, you're never going to see the other side of things, to you, I'll always be 'the guy who lied to Claire'."

"…and the father of her child." Tess added conciliatory. "Peter, I don't want an argument."

"Neither do I." For a moment, he just sat there, frozen into place. Then, he got up abruptly, gathering the dishes.

"Here, I'll help you…"

"No, thanks. You must be exhausted from the journey."

"Yeah, I think we should leave now to look for a hotel room." She exchanged a quick look with Nick, who nodded. "We're going to pick up Charlotte tomorrow morning around nine thirty, if that's okay with you."

"Sure."

"All right then. I'll go check on the girls."

Tess left the room and went upstairs slowly. She had to admit that this was a pretty house, clean, painted in an earthy shade between brick-red and brown, with an apricot staircase. There were many pictures on the walls, mostly of the three sisters on various occasions. She had to smirk when she noticed one in which the three girls were dressed up as a witch, a sheriff, and an elf. When had that been?

On the first floor, she was immediately able to spot the two girls she was looking for because of their lively conversation. The door to BOM's room was open and she found the children sitting on the floor with two Barbie dolls and a few sea shells. As she was watching them play peacefully, she was certain she would kill Alex Ryan if this was indeed his fault. Well, it was hers, too. She could have tried harder to find out what was going on. But still, Alex definitely owed her an explanation.

"Oh, those are pretty." Tess commented on the dolls. "Mermaids! I wish I'd had a Barbie…"

"They used to be Natalie's. She doesn't like them anymore, she says they're only for babies."

"Really? Well, I don't think I'm supposed to tell you that, but that's actually something adults made up so they could play with their children's old Barbie dolls."

Charlotte laughed, handing Emily a dress for her doll. "Look, you can take the sparkling tail-thingy off, too, so she becomes a woman instead of a mermaid."

"Cool!"

Tess crouched down to meet their eye-level. "I hate to break this up, girls, but we have another car ride ahead of us tomorrow and we still need to go find a hotel room for the night."

"Can't you stay here for tonight, Aunt Tess?"

"Oh yes, _please_!" Both children looked at her pleadingly. They were really good at this; she hated to object.

"No, we can't be that much of a nuisance for your parents, Charlotte. And it wouldn't be fair either, because they weren't prepared for three people spending the night. But we'll get the whole weekend together from tomorrow on. Come on, Em, let's go."

"Nooo…can't we stay for a little longer?"

"We can't, I'm sorry, it's getting late. You two are going to see each other first thing in the morning!"

"But that's so far away!"

"Emily, I won't discuss this with you any longer." She knew how stubborn her daughter could be, especially in situations like this. "Say bye-bye to Charlotte and we'll leave."

"But-"

"No more but's…I'll count to three and we're going to leave. One…" Her daughter crossed her arms in front of her chest demonstratively and pouted. "Two…"

"And the last number is…three. Emily Claire Ryan, do I have to carry you to the car?" The little girl simply shook her head, but remained seated on the floor, tears of defiance in her eyes. "All right."

She walked over to her niece and gave her a big hug, smiling. "I'll see you tomorrow, Charlotte." Emily looked from one to the other and finally got up, running out of the room and downstairs. "Daddy!" Tess really hoped that Nick would not give in this time, as he sometimes did. That would severely undermine her authority.

"Is she really, really angry now?"

"Don't worry, she'll calm down. We're just all very tired because of the long flight. I'll go look for her in a second."

"Can I take the Barbie dolls with me? I think she likes them a lot."

"You can take anything you want, BOM, as long as it fits into the car. And I'm pretty sure they will."

Charlotte grinned. "You still call me that although I'm not a baby anymore."

"Well, it was your first nickname, you know. But I can call you 'Charlotte', of course, I'm just warning you…you'll hear a lot of 'BOM' once we're on Drover's."

When Tess mentioned the farm, Charlotte's expression suddenly seemed to stiffen, her smile became more forced. "You still want to go there, don't you? I mean if you don't want to, it's okay, we can wait and-"

"No, no! I wanna go there, it's just…I don't really…remember it, except for tiny bits. I don't know anyone…besides you and Nick."

Tess put an arm around Charlotte and sat down on the bed next to her. "I…understand why you're afraid, really, I do. When I went back there for the first time, I didn't know anyone either. But believe me, you'll get to know them quickly. Every time I went there, all of them were asking how you were doing and what you're up to. Remember the biscuits Meg gave me for you? And if…if you really don't like it there, I'll drive you back home anytime you want to, okay? I won't ever force you to stay there."

"I know, it's just…never mind."


	3. Home Again

**Chapter Two**

"Those cows are huge!" Emily exclaimed, pointing out the window.

"They're the same size as the ones in Río Negro" Nick replied amused.

"Nuh-uh, they're bigger. Oh!" The little girl grabbed her cousin's arm. "Look, Charlie, a baby cow!" Tess smiled, Emily's bubbly excitement was starting to rub off on her.

"That's so cute! Are there calves on Drover's, Aunt Tess?"

"No, they should be sold by now. It's unusual for a calf to be born as late as this one. I only saw it for a moment, but it can't be more than a month or six weeks old."

"Mummy, what happens to a calf once it's sold?" Tess looked over at Nick, hoping that he would answer her question. He was looking straight ahead, pretending to be concentrating on the road. What was she supposed to tell her daughter? Was it better to spare her the sad facts or to tell the truth right away?

"It goes to another farm."

"And then?"

"When it's grown up, they milk it." Not quite the truth, but Tess decided that this was not the right time to explain the production of meat to Emily.

"What if it's a boy?"

"Umm, then…then they use him to have more little calves."

"How-"

"I'll explain that another time, honey, okay? We should be at Drover's soon." She looked out the window, admiring the familiar landscape. The early afternoon sun had heated up the ground enough to let the air above it flicker. Inside the small car, it was unbearably hot, but that didn't matter since they would arrive in a few minutes-the bumpy road was a clear knell. She would be home again.

In the back seat, Emily was skimming through one of her picture books, only half interested. Both of the girls were getting equally impatient. "Want me to read that to you?" Charlotte asked.

"Yes!" Tess was glad that the children were getting along so well.

" 'kay. 'Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess called Larissa, who was loved by everyone. Her blue eyes sparkled like sap- sapphires and her blond hair glistened in the sun like a field of wheat in autumn'…do you _really_ like this book?"

"It's the awesomest book ever! _Please _go on…"

Charlotte sighed, turning the page. "Fine. 'Larissa lived with her mother, the queen, in a white castle on top of a snow-capped mountain. Yes, she was loved by everyone, but she was lonely. Her father, the king, had died after a long illness and her mother was busy ruling the country. One night in winter, however, a young maid…"

"We're back to stay, I can't believe it." Tess muttered, half to herself, looking at the familiar sign that marked the property.

"Happy?" Nick asked, obviously enjoying her positive reaction. Her silent nod expressed more than a thousand words could have.

Farm life was something she had missed in the past few years. Some parts more, some less(and getting up at five o'clock every morning was definitely one of the aspects she had missed _less_). Sure, the restaurant had been a dream come true for her and it hurt her to think that she might never get to see it again, but that couldn't becloud her joy over being back-at least not yet. It remained to be seen whether returning to Drover's Run had been the right decision. Her biggest concern was that her husband might not be able to settle down here, that he would just stay for her sake, unable to see a future for himself. On the other hand, he wasn't the sort of person to look backwards full of regrets. Nick had overcome so many difficult times in his life, always focusing on the future. But would he be truly happy with it? She looked over at him, studying his expression. For now, he was. For now.

He threw her a suspicious glance. "What?"

"Nothing. Just can't take my eyes off of you, I guess."

"Oh, I know. It can be a curse to be so darn attractive" he joked, smirking. Tess was glad that the kids were too involved in their story to notice.

As they were driving up to the beautiful homestead, however, this attention quickly subsided and the book was laid aside. When they parked the rented car, the children were the first to jump out, eager to move their legs. Tess got out, stretched her limbs and closed her eyes for a moment, just inhaling.

Nick slipped an arm around her waist. "Watcha doing?"

"Just…enjoying the smell of home."

"Right. There's nothing better than the lovely scent of cow dung and sheep's fleece."

She gave him a gentle nudge. "Don't make fun of me!"

"I'm not!"

"Yah right…let's go catch up with the girls."

They found Charlotte and Emily running around in the gritted yard, laughing hilariously. "Let's go 'round to the side! We have better chances of meeting someone…" Just as she was about to finish her sentence, Tess saw a familiar person coming around the corner, who had probably been alarmed by the noise. "…there…Meg!"

"Tess! What…hello, Nick…we didn't expect you this early…" She hurried towards her friend and hugged her. "…welcome home!"

"Thanks! Oh Meg, it's so good to see you! I wasn't sure if you'd be here!"

"Don't be silly, of course I'm here when you return", she stated matter-of-factly, "even when you're early." Tess smiled broadly, it felt good to be greeted by a close friend like that. Meg had gained a few pounds with time and, like everyone, aged slightly, but she was definitely still her old, bright self, the woman with the big heart who held everything together.

"Wow, Emily, I hardly recognized you! You've grown so much in those past few months!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, you're a big girl now!" She crouched down, spreading her arms, while the little girl flew into them without shyness. Meg was a mixture between a grandmother and an aunt for her, it didn't matter that they were no biological relatives. She and Alex were the two people Emily had been drawn to immediately.

When Meg got up again, her gaze fell past the small family of three. Tess turned around, feeling guilty that she had forgotten about her niece for a moment. "Oh Charlotte, you don't need to stand there in the background of course. Come here, honey!" She put a reassuring hand on the girl's shoulder and led her to the others. "Charlotte, this is Meg. She-"

"My God…" Meg gaped at her "this can't be our little BOM!" In a moment of true emotion, she embraced Tess' niece, who was merely surprised, letting it happen. "I can't believe it, it's been such a long time…look at you! Tess, she looks so much like you did as a child-how old are you now? Seven?"

Charlotte nodded politely, with obvious insecurity. "It's…it's nice to meet you, Mrs…"

"Oh, call me Meg, really." She was starting to get a grip on herself, apparently realizing that the little girl was overtaxed with the situation. "And welcome on Drover's Run, Charlotte."

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Tess approached the water tank, following the unmistakeable sound of persistent scrubbing. Inside the now dry container, she saw a young, pretty woman whose messy, loose blond curls were protruding from under her hat. Her white tank top was covered in dirt, and so were her bare arms. Incredible, Tess thought, that this was supposed to be the same girl who had once been trying to avoid all work that posed a threat to her nails. For some reason, it filled her with a sense of pride to see her working her butt off down in that water tank.

Jodi didn't look up when someone was blocking the sun. "If you're a visitor, go back to the main house. If you're a salesman-go away, we don't care."

"Okay" she shrugged. "Looks like someone's in a bad mood."

"And could that _possibly _be because I'm trying to clean the sea bottom with a toothbrush! Wait..." She looked up, shielding her eyes against the sunlight. "Tess! What are you doing here? We didn't expect you before the evening!"

"Well, that's a nice greeting. I missed you too, sis." She laughed and stretched out her hand to help a confused Jodi out of the container. "Nick and I took an earlier flight, it was more of a spontaneous decision."

"No!" Jodi cried, as Tess motioned to embrace her. "I'm all dir- well, I guess it's too late for your shirt now."

"Oh, I think it's gonna survive it. I have to change anyway."

"Poor mum, she was gonna have everything neat for you guys by the evening. We had it all planned out, the whole welcome…but I guess I shouldn't tell you that."

Tess was touched by the lengths they went to in order to make them feel at home, but she didn't want to get too sentimental. "No, not if it keeps you from your work. That 'sea bottom' won't scrub itself."

Jodi grimaced. "Yes, ma'am."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I sure hope that those are the last few hay bales" Alex exclaimed in a dramatically pressed voice, shoving one of them under the tarp forcefully. "I've got a bit of work to do on my own land, ya know. Can't afford to help the rival!"

"And who d'you think fixed the fence on the Northern pasture yesterday?"

"It's your fence, too!"

"Strange, and I thought it was King Harold who broke it. Besides, you offered to help me voluntarily. Too bad for you."

"Actually, I was expecting to get something back for it…" he answered with an ambiguous smirk. "or have you ever seen me workin' for free?"

She chuckled mischievously. "No, that's true, you're always careful not to overwork yourself- hey!" Too late, a few loose straws had already hit her and were now tangled in her hair.

"Suits you well" he commented. Stevie picked up a handful herself and soon, they were engaged in a downright hay fight-too engaged to notice the horse approaching them.

"Stop, we…we've got t- to clean it…up" Stevie panted at some point, interrupted by fits of laughter. "Alex!"

"It could've been the animals…" He pulled her closer, picking a few straws out of her hair while slipping the other arm around her waist.

"Oh yeah, it was." Their amusement had vanished, as it was being replaced by a feeling much more delicate. Alex kissed her softly, longing to feel a physical closeness that went beyond attacking each other with hay.

The moment would have lasted longer, had there not been the baffled person who had just dismounted Oscar. A surprised "oh" accidentally escaped her mouth, as she witnessed two of her friends getting so close. The other two were equally startled and Stevie broke the embrace rapidly, clearing her throat. For a moment, they were just staring at each other.

After the first shock, it was Alex who broke the silence, recovering his coolness. "You should really be careful about sneaking up to people in this part of the world. We've got the habit of shooting trespassers on our property."

"I'm glad this is not your property then." Tess replied with a broad smile, still incredulous.

"Hi, it's…good to see you" Stevie muttered, a bit confused by the situation. The two friends hugged. "Glad to have you back, boss."

Tess grimaced. "Please, I hate hearing that word from you."

"Teresa McLeod-Ryan…didn't think we'd get to see you here so soon. Welcome back on this continent!" He grinned and took his head off to her symbolically, before hugging her as well.

"Thanks!"

"And where's that brother of mine?"

"He went to Wilgul first thing to see how things were going there with the new tenants."

Alex shook his head. "Yeah, that's so like him…greeting business first."

"He should be back before long, and the girls are here, too."

"The girl_s_?"

"Oh, you didn't know?" she asked, watching his reaction carefully. "Charlotte's here for the weekend, too."

Alex' smirk vanished and for a moment, it looked as if he had just lost all of his composure, his means of protecting himself, of deceiving people into thinking him invulnerable. When he had realized the impact of Tess' words, his eyes were shining with joy and hope. Yet something else, an indefinable weight, seemed to becloud his expression, no matter how much he tried to hide it. "She…is! I can't wait to see them! But I'll drive over to Wilgul first…"

"You are gonna come over for dinner tonight, right? It's been such a long time, and there are many things to talk about." Tess lingered on the "many things" a little longer than necessary, fully aware of the curious undertone in her words. However, Alex didn't seem to have much of a sense to detect undertones.

"Sure, if I'm invited that is."

"We'll have a big dinner."

"Sounds good, as long as we're not having Argentinean tofu or something like that…"

"There'll be loads of it."

"Oh well, food's food. I'll see you later." He placed a quick kiss on Stevie's lips and walked back to his car.

"Bye!"

"See ya! _So_" Tess uttered meaningfully, as soon as the new red car had driven off. "You and Alex…?" She couldn't stop beaming.

"Yup, since last February."

"Oh Stevie, that's great, you two are made for each other! I can't believe you finally realized that!"

"Yeah, well, you don't have to throw a party over it." She rubbed the tip of her nose, as she always did when something intimidated her a little, but a smile was tugging at the corners of her lips all the same.

"I want to hear every detail!"

"Ah, but you don't wanna watch me stacking those great…important hay bales while I do?"

"All right" Tess sighed, approaching the truck. "I'll help you."

"No, no, I was joking, I'll get this done in a matter of minutes, you don't have to- Tess, what are you doing? You only just arrived, now get back to the house and relax a little!"

"Oh no, I can't act like a guest and let you do all of the work." She had already grabbed the first cuboid and, supporting the weight with her stomach, tried to heave it out of the loading space. "It's better to get right back into it!"

Tess looked so happy and enthusiastic doing this that all Stevie could do was shaking her head at this insanity. She took hold of the other end of the hay bale, smiling. "You're the boss."


	4. An Odd Reunion

**Chapter Three**

He was walking up to the patio very slowly, deliberately delaying every step for as long as he could. Driving to Wilgul had given him time to ponder, time to clear his mind, time to think things over. But no matter how much thinking he did, the situation just didn't start looking any better for him. There still was that unpleasant feeling down there in his guts, his stomach or wherever, the toxic mixture of guilt and shame.

"Uncle Alex!" A familiar girl's joyful call pulled him out of his thoughts. His mood changed rapidly when he saw his niece running down the stairs that led up to the veranda.

"Why, that can't be my little princess…c'mere!" He picked her up, spinning her around in the air. Emily was still giggling when he stopped and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I missed you!"

"_I _missed _you_! Do that again!"

"You mean this?" He spun her around once more, more wildly this time.

"Yeah!"

"No."

The little girl laughed and squealed while he carried her up the stairs over his shoulder. "Lemme go!"

Her uncle set her down next to the chair in which her mum was sitting, drinking a cup of coffee and going over some papers. Right at that moment, an older girl stepped outside. "Meg asks-" She fell quiet when she noticed the man who was standing on the veranda, too.

Alex was equally petrified, unable to utter a greeting. Of course he recognized her, although she had changed a lot since he had last seen her. Her long hair had darkened considerably, its shade lay now somewhere in between honey blonde and light brown, with a few streaks that were naturally lighter than the rest, and of course, she was taller. She looked a lot like a younger version of Tess, or at least what he could imagine a younger version of Tess would have looked like, but he could definitely detect a lot of her mother in her features, too- most strikingly, her eyes. It was those blue eyes by which he would have been able to identify her anywhere, the last bit of Claire that was left in this world. And, he noticed with a sort of smug satisfaction, there were definitely no obvious similarities to Peter.

This was the moment he had been waiting for, hoping for in the past few years. He had almost given up hope that it would ever happen, but now it was here…and he noticed that he had been staring at the child without saying a word for too long now. "Hi, I'm Alex." Just Alex, the neighbour with no particular significance.

BOM was staring back at him without a smile, somewhat coolly, and swallowed. This meeting felt so awkward to him, so…_wrong_. She stretched out her hand with a strange self-confidence, a self-confidence that would have been more suitable for an adult. "Charlotte Prudence McLeod-Johnson."

He couldn't help laughing, took her hand and shook it. "Yeah, I know. I suppose you don't remember…"

"No." The answer came very quickly and sounded rash.

"Alex is your godfather." Tess tried to take some tension out of the situation with a friendly smile, but it still didn't become more comfortable.

Charlotte ignored the information and looked back at her aunt. "Meg asks how many of us are gonna be here for dinner."

"Let's see…Alex and Terry are coming…that makes it ten. I'll tell her in a moment."

"That's okay, I'll do it." She turned around and walked back into the kitchen with determination.

"Charlotte!" Tess stood up, she was caught off-guard by her niece's repellent behaviour. "I'm sorry, Alex. Could you watch Emily for a moment?" She went after the older girl immediately.

"It's okay." A very baffled and hurt Alex was left behind on the patio, watching Emily play with a bunch of plastic animals on the floor, secluded in her own world.

"Look, Uncle Alex, the pony can nod!" She held up one of the skewbald horses for him to see and moved its head.

"Wow, that's awesome!" It made him smile a little, but he only paid attention with half an eye, not making any further comments or playing with his niece. The truth was, it wasn't okay, not at all. This reunion had definitely gone wrong, only he wasn't quite sure why. He was disappointed and confused, how often had he pictured this moment in his mind? Did he really deserve this? Either Charlotte was an unfriendly and serious child by nature, or…

And suddenly, Alex was afraid. Afraid of what the seven-year-old girl, who used to be his little BOM, might think of him.

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"That was very rude!" Tess rebuked her niece with a frown, still wondering what was going on. "You don't just walk away from people like that."

"I don't like him!" Charlotte exclaimed, more emotional than before.

"Why?"

"Cos I don't!" And with that, she ran out of the kitchen, upstairs to her room.

"Let her calm down for a bit" Meg advised Tess while she was cutting vegetables on the kitchen table. "You can talk to her about it later; right now, you wouldn't get anything out of her. What in the world happened out there?"

"I have no idea" Tess replied, sinking into a chair. "Alex came and right from the start, she was acting very…icily, you know. And then she just walked out without a reason."

"Give her time. Maybe it's just a bit much for her-being here, meeting all of those new people who seem to know her, getting compared to a mother she never got to know."

"Maybe" Tess muttered, not really convinced that this could be everything. She switched the topic, although all that she really wanted to do was to follow Charlotte upstairs. "There'll be ten of us for dinner. What are we gonna have?"

"Well, guess…"

Her face lit up when she observed the fruit on the table. "Apricot chicken! Meg, you're the best! Want me to help you?"

"Ha, I definitely don't, this is your first day here, you can at least let me cook you a welcome dinner."

"But I feel useless! I've taken a shower, unpacked, shown Charlotte around the house, now let me help."

"Well, then…take a nice long ride across the land."

"How would that be useful?"

"You could check on the fences."

"The new one did a little while ago."

"Chloe?"

"Yes." She had forgotten the quiet new worker's name for a moment. The girl was about 19 or 20 years old and fairly inexperienced when it came to farm work, but Stevie had sworn that it would be cost-efficient to let her work for board and lodging and "educate" her while she did. It was amazing how many people were willing to join the "Willing Workers On Organic Farms" programme these days, in the hope to become real jackaroos/jillaroos. It still felt a bit like exploitation to Tess and of course an unskilled labourer who only stayed for a couple of months would never be able to replace a trained one like Kate. "How is she holding up?"

"Oh, she's doing her best. She's trying really hard, you know, and although there were some problems at first, she has improved a lot and she's eager to learn. But I'm still not sure if this is the right place for her."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she's a shy one and every time she makes a mistake, she gets really upset about it and usually makes it worse by trying to correct it, which angers Stevie a lot. And you know how people can be out here…Chloe's just a bit…sensitive. It's a pity; she's still a nice girl."

Tess nodded, with a distinct feeling that some troubles would come up. "How's Kate doing? Have you or Jodi heard from her lately?"

"Not in a while, I suppose she's very busy with the farm. The start is always tough."

Alex entered the kitchen, holding Emily's hand. "Tess, we'd like to go and say hi to the horses, if that's all right."

"Sure, have fun!" She looked after them thoughtfully. It was so enjoyable to watch Alex with kids, to see how he won their trust. Somehow, he had preserved just the right tinge of childishness without losing his authority. Alex, the masher, she thought with a smile, had turned out to harmonize wonderfully with children. He would make a great dad someday and she was sincerely hoping that he would get the chance to be one.

But right now, she would have to resolve what was going on with him and Charlotte. She stood up from her chair and left the kitchen. "I'll go check on BOM."

The door to the guest room, which had become Charlotte's provisional room, had been left half open. Tess was able to hear a sort of scratching sound from the inside and knocked, peeking around the door. "Can we talk, Charlotte?"

Her niece didn't answer, so Tess simply entered and approached the girl, who was sitting on the floor with her back towards her, scribbling something on paper with crayons. Actually, it looked more like she was trying to destroy the picture, which displayed a wild mixture of black, red and yellow. Tess sat down beside the girl, cross-legged, watching her. "What's that supposed to be?"

When no reply came from Charlotte, Tess laid a hand on her arm and halted its rapid movements. "Hey, I really want to know why you're so angry. You've got to help me here."

"I wanna go home."

Tess swallowed, pretending to have no problem with it. "Okay, I'll give you a ride tomorrow morning. That doesn't answer my question, though. Why did you say that you don't like Alex? I mean it's okay not to like someone…but you don't really know him."

For the first time, Charlotte looked back at her and she was able to see that there was more sadness than fury in her eyes. "Don't be mad at me, Aunty Tess, please", she pleaded.

Tess pushed a loose strand of her niece's hair back gently, transiently stroking her cheek. "I'm not, sweetheart. I just want to understand what's going on."

Charlotte avoided her aunt's gaze again, fumbling the paper. "Cos…" Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I lied."

"About what?"

"When I said I didn't remember…well, I don't remember a lot, but some stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Like when we were at the zoo and Alex showed me the elephants and this big one tried to throw some fruit at us." She was actually smiling now. "And then we were at the beach and ate some ice cream. And when we got home…everyone was yelling at each other, but I didn't get why. Then, Alex promised he was gonna come back soon. He _promised_, but- but…"

"But he never came?" Tess suggested cautiously.

Charlotte nodded, wiping her eye with her palm. Tess understood some things now and it made her feel sad and angry at the same time. Sad for her niece's disappointment, for what she had been deprived off, and angry- angry about the broken promise, angry with Alex. Only it didn't make sense, she was missing some crucial part here. It wasn't like Alex to break an important promise, and even less to abandon his almost-stepdaughter. Unless, unless…unless what?

"Dad said that he didn't wanna come anymore, that he was too busy. But he always, always liked to come, _and _he promised!" Her voice was shaking with fury, but she was at the verge of crying.

Tess put an arm around her, drawing nearer. "I'm sure he had a good reason why he couldn't come, I'll talk to him about it. You're right, it's wrong to break a promise, but Charlotte, I know one thing- he was very happy to see you today. You always meant a lot to him."

"I don't care!"


	5. Shadows of the Past

**Chapter Four**

"Say that again."

"¡Es un caballo!"

"Ayes oon ca-bayo!"

Emily giggled. "You say it wrong!"

Alex sighed dramatically and leaned back against the old wood fence that lined the paddock in which Stevie's horse was calming down. His brother was just coming over from the house.

"Daddy!" His daughter ran over to him and he picked her up.

"Hey, Nick!" Alex spread his arms festively. "Ayes oon ca-bayo!"

"No, that's a meadow, actually" the addressed one stated matter-of-factly, approaching him. He set Emily down again. "I need your help, honey. Would you run over to Jodi and tell her that dinner's going to be ready in about half an hour?"

"But I wanna stay with Uncle Alex" she complained in a whiny voice.

"Uncle Alex won't leave so soon, he's staying for dinner."

"That's right, Em."

"O-kay." She spurted across the meadow towards the former shearer's hut, the lodge Jodi was sharing with Chloe, into which she had moved back after living in the main house for a while.

Alex looked after her, shaking his head. "Kinda disturbing that your four-year-old daughter knows more foreign languages than I do."

"Well, it's not that hard, is it? You don't speak any foreign languages."

"That's right, Mr. University Degree. I have other…qualities." He grinned ambiguously.

"Like what? No, don't tell me, I don't wanna know."

He laughed. "Don't worry, I won't compete for the position of family nerd."

"I'm glad, that was my greatest concern." Nick leaned against the fence, too, studying the horse thoughtfully and for a moment, both remained silent. It was easy for Alex to see that he was pondering, perhaps looking for the right words to express his thoughts.

"Nick, if you wanna tell me something, just do it." His brother looked back at him and hesitated for a moment, a serious expression on his face. "Oh no, so it's worse than I thought. Either that or you've been living in female company for too long. Listen, mate, I don't 'read between the lines', I'm not your wife."

"Now that's a loss…no, seriously Alex, can we leave the wisecracking aside for a moment?"

"Sure." He knew that a good joke was often able to take the tension out of situations like this, but sometimes, it was just time to stop. "What's up?"

"It's Charlotte."

Alex froze, he had known that the questions would start at some point; actually, it was surprising that they were only asking about it now, but he had always sort of locked away that unpleasant section of his life. His fists clasped the bar a little more tightly, resembling the motion of the fist that seemed to squeeze his heart. His throat was dry when he spoke again. "What about her?"

"Come on, you know that very well. What happened between you and Peter?"

"I…it doesn't matter…"

"How could it _not _matter!" Nick exclaimed impatiently. "It's the reason why Charlie wasn't allowed to come here for years, why she doesn't know you or Jodi, or Meg…!"

"All right", he raised his hands in defence, trying to stay calm, "all right, supposing Peter and I did argue about something, supposing he wouldn't let me see Charlotte afterwards and had a good reason for it, supposing I made a mistake-a huge one-what would it change to dig all of that up again? It's in the past-"

"Oh, that makes it convenient for you, doesn't it? It's in the past, lets hush it up and it will be like it never happened! But life's not like that-"

"Thanks, I feel so enlightened now you told me! You…always being the _perfect_ one with the university diploma, that damn research project and whatever else…never made a mistake in your life, did ya!"

"I've never abducted a child, if that's what you mean!"

"Don't you judge me…you, of all people", his voice was shaking with rage, "standing there-"

"This is _not _about you and me, Alex! You can't just get out of it like that, there's Charlotte, too. You see, she remembers a hell of a lot more than you think…"

"How would you know?"

"Because she told Tess!" Nick forced himself to lower is voice a little, realizing that this wouldn't get them anywhere. "She kept going on and on about how you promised Charlotte you'd visit her, but never did. And…she also said a lot about elephants and ice cream…"

Alex' face assumed a softer look, his heart cringed when he remembered the respective things. "The beach day…" He could still picture it in all colours and tunes, the animals, Charlotte's laughter, the melon that had burst on the fence, the sound of the waves and the shouts of the children who had let a kite fly. Even the salty smell of the ocean appeared to have lingered.

Nick was still staring straight ahead; the pain he saw in his brother's eyes nagged at him and placated him further. "Good God, whatever did you do? It can't have been _that _bad. You'd never hurt her on purpose. Did some kind of accident happen while you were supposed to watch her?"

"Of course not!" he shouted back angrily.

"Well, you didn't harm her, you didn't kidnap her…" Alex suddenly flinched, something he never did, his glance speaking a different language. Nick gasped. "You…didn't…no, please…you didn't…!"

"Not in the usual sense…" he sighed deeply and rested his head on his arms in exhaustion. He felt like he was falling, falling again, falling deeper than ever before, it felt strange…but good, also, too seductive to resist. For the moment, he was safely enveloped in a cushion that saved him the effort of having to think, having to feel. Things were so complicated, why did things always have to be so complicated? Why didn't anyone understand? He could hear Nick talking from a distance, but that was so far away, so insignificant. His whole body went numb…

"Alex! C'mon, Alex!" His brother had seized him by the shoulder, shaking him violently. Alex raised his head with a start, confused for a moment. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Huh? Yep…umm…sure…"

"You scared me there for a moment!"

"No need to worry." He forced a lopsided grin, but Nick didn't respond to it.

"Maybe you should…I don't know…sit down, have a glass of water. It might be dehydration."

"Nah, I'm fine, really. But if you mention this to anyone, I'm not so sure if you'll be."

Nick shook his head at this reply and once more, a strange silence lingered over them. Alex kept watching the tired horse; a couple of minutes passed during which each of them was lost in thought. When Alex spoke again, he sounded unusually quiet. "It was that day, you know…just that day. I'm not even sure why. Fiona had left for good, Sandra had just come back after two months to claim Killarney, it was an ugly fight, things were just going downhill. And I couldn't see…there was this moment…my life…" He realized he had told Nick more than he had intended to already. "Anyway, Peter let me take BOM to the zoo and suddenly, everything…I mean it was like 'wham!', everything was back in perspective. It was the best day in a long time. And I wanted it to last. So when it was time to drop her off, I couldn't, just couldn't get myself to do it. I drove on and on for I don't know how long and sooner or later, I was at the beach. I took a hotel room, but later that night, Charlotte woke up and…" He paused to swallow down the tears that were forming in his eyes. "…and she was asking for her daddy. So I took her back and we arrived in the early morning hours. The police was already there."

For a moment, Nick just stared at his brother, dumbfounded at the new information. He didn't quite know what to think…should he be compassionate, understanding, or furious? This was definitely something he never would have expected of Alex, not at this point at least. "They didn't file an action against you, though, did they?"

"No, I wasn't sued. Peter was fuming of course, but he still made a favourable statement at the police post and the case was dropped later."

"Alex, do you have any idea how lucky you were? You could be in prison right now!"

"I wouldn't have cared" he muttered, gazing into the distance.

"But.don't you see the consequences! You know, your problem has always been that you think in terms of minutes, or days."

Alex rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Please, save your breath."

Nick sighed. "Look, I know things were tough for you back then-"

"Ha, now that's a good one!" he spat out contemptuously. "What do _you _know? You were busy planting grain in Argentina, as far as I remember!"

"I was here as often as I could."

"Were you here when Sandra tried to squeeze every cent out of her potential inheritance? Or when Killarney was threatened by fire? When your son was in the hospital, maybe! Not even for your own father's funeral-"

"You know I tried my best to come!" he yelled. This was a sensitive subject. "Tess was in the hospital, should I have left her alone!"

"Oh, bullshit, you never gave a damn about Killarney or anything that had to do with Harry!"

This was too much, Nick grabbed him by the shirt and pushed him against the fence forcefully, not caring that his brother had always been the better fighter. Strangely enough, Alex didn't defend himself, he merely smirked bitterly, the bar hurting his back. "Go on…hit me like you've always wanted to…" Nick hesitated without releasing the firm grip. Something was wrong about this, deeply wrong. Perhaps it was the way Alex was provoking him.

"C'mon, just do it! Are you scared? Hit me, this is your chance!"

Nick was on the verge of giving in to his strong urge, but changed his mind at the last moment. He let go of his older brother, pushing him to the side. "I won't give you that satisfaction."

"Aw, that was everything?" He laughed hysterically. "You're pathetic, Nick, do you know how pathetic you are! You…you…" Alex was trembling, his eyes glistening with tears of enragement and something that ran deeper, deeper than any transient emotion. He stumbled back into the direction of his car-it had to be somewhere around here. His mind was a blur, he was mad, mad at Nick, mad at everything, but most of all, mad at himself.

Nick walked after him as fast as his bad leg allowed him to, full of concern. He hadn't seen him like that in a long time. Actually, he had hardly seen him like that ever before. "Wait, Alex! Let's…go inside and talk about it."

"There's nothing to talk about!"

"You can't drive like that, you're gonna-" Too late, Alex had already turned the ignition key. The wheels dispersed dust into every direction when he drove away at full throttle.

Nick shuddered inwardly, it was all too clear to him what place his brother was heading for- the pub. Alex would probably get as drunk as one could be and he didn't want to imagine what might happen. There had been too many car accidents in this family as it was. "Shit!"


	6. The Trouble With Love

**Chapter Five**

She was able to spot him at a table in the corner right away, where he was leaning against the wall, emptying a glass of brown liquor that might have been tequila. He looked awful, as if he hadn't showered for a week, and it was easy to tell that this was not his first glass either without even talking to him. She approached his table and frowned down at him with a mixture of anger and sympathy.

"Stevie!" he shouted way too loud, grinning. "Join in! Hey, Mike, bring us ano- another two bottles of beer!"

"No, Mike, don't" she said sharply. "He's had enough I think."

"You've got no right to decide that! Mike, one beer for me!"

The bartender hesitated, continuing to dry glasses with a dishtowel. "Alex, I think she's right. Maybe you should just go home for tonight."

"Maybe you should have picked a different job."

Mike simply carried on with his work; he was used to people insulting him and not remembering the next day. It was useless and potentially harmful to his furniture to get into a fight with them. Instead, he turned to Stevie. "You've got five minutes, but get him outta here."

"Don't worry, I will" she replied irately.

"Thanks, _mum_" Alex muttered. Stevie was trying hard not to shake or slap him. He could be such an idiot, but what use would it be, arguing with someone who was drunk? At the moment, she just wanted to get him home safely.

"Alex, this", she held up the empty glass, "doesn't make things any better."

"Well, that's funny, cos I feel better. I'm great!"

"You're not, you're a mess and you're gonna feel even worse tomorrow morning. Let's go." He didn't move, but just kept turning the empty glass in his hand. She put her hands on her hips and sighed. "I'm not your babysitter, Alex Ryan, and you're a bit heavy for me to carry."

"Leave me alone."

"I might just do that after tonight!"

This finally caught his attention and he studied her expression with a tired look on his face. "Yeah. I know." The answer was surprisingly clear and final.

"Fine." Her voice sounded just a bit too high-pitched for her, although she was trying to conceal how much his reply hurt her, as her sense of pride commanded. She snatched his car keys from the table and turned around to leave. 'Go ahead and drown in your self-pity', she added mentally.

Finally, he seemed to awake from his trance. "No…wait, Stevie…don't go!"

"What!" She spun around. "You can pick up your keys tomorrow!

"No…I mean yes…but that's not what I mean. Stay…please?"

He was too good at this puppy face, she had to admit that. His pleading expression melted her tough façade a bit, as always. She grabbed a chair and sat down at the same side of the round table, facing him. "I'm not sure what you're expecting of me, to be honest."

"I'm sorry, so sorry."

"Never mind what you said, but I wanna know what's going on."

"You…you heard what happened, right?"

"It was kinda hard to miss Nick and Tess arguing about it, yes."

"Lemme guess", he muttered, "if Tess won, I won't set foot on Drover's for the next ten years."

"Something like that. But Alex, you knew that they'd hear the truth sometime, didn't you? You knew this was gonna happen sooner or later."

"Yeah, sure."

"And how is that Nick's fault?"

Alex paused, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Stevie…really, really sorry. God I hate this…why did things have to go this way? I mean I didn't…I wasn't…um…" He rested his head against the wall, unable to form a clear thought.

"It doesn't matter now." Stevie took his hand and squeezed it instinctively. "Let's talk about this tomorrow, all right? I'm exhausted, if you want a ride home, you should come with me now."

"Okay."

"Okay." He got up, swaying a bit, and touched his head, reassuring that his hat was still present. Stevie smiled in spite of the situation and put a hand on his back, leading him out of the pub. She was still angry, she wanted to be angry with him, reminded herself not to make it too easy on him. Alex stopped at the door. "Hey…you're amazing."

Stevie laughed dryly, with the hurt buried underneath the bizarre moment. "Yeah, that's something we should talk about tomorrow, too."

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"Shouldn't we dispose of the whole lot, just to be sure? What if the rest is contaminated, too?"

Stevie let out a moan while heaving the heavy sack onto the back of the ute. "Tess, I checked the other bags, there was nothing wrong with them. Throwing away all of this grain because of one dead mouse would lead us right down the path to bankruptcy, you know that!"

"I know, but we won't be any more efficient if our animals die. God, that smell is so disgusting!" Tess stopped sweeping the ground for a moment, supporting her weight with the broom.

"And I still bet you missed that, too, didn't ya?"

"Oh yeah, big time!" She wiped her forehead with the sleeve of her tee-shirt.

"I'm gonna start setting up the traps." Stevie removed the cellophane and crouched down to span the first. "I just hope those stupid dogs won't step into one again."

Tess had begun to sweep away the last few of the seeds, when she heard something crashing down behind her, a yelp and furious cursing. She turned around to see Stevie kneeled down on the ground next to a wooden board, clasping her hand, and knelt down beside her. "Let me see."

"No! It's nothing!"

Tess exposed the injured hand carefully, she was already able to make out a dark red mark on the top of her hand, a mark that would turn blue with time and a bleeding scratch where the sharp edge had cut through her skin. "Did it squeeze your hand to the ground?" Stevie merely nodded, biting her lip to prevent herself from crying out. "It might be broken."

"No, it's not. I can…move it…ouch!"

"I can give you a ride to the doctor."

Stevie uttered a forced laugh. "At the rodeo, they'd only say that if you were bleeding to death."

"You should have noticed by now that this is not a rodeo."

"Oh, really?"

"Stevie, an injured worker isn't much use. I want you to see a doctor, just to be sure."

"I'll go and cool it inside and if it doesn't improve till tomorrow, you can still drive me into town if you've got nothing better to do." She stood up and left with determination.

Tess went after her. "I'll bandage it!"

They entered the house through the back door and walked into the empty kitchen. The breakfast dishes were still lying in the sink, whose turn was it to take care of them today? Tess took the last three ice cubes out of the small icebox and wrapped them in a dishtowel. They sat down at the table and she laid the small packet onto Stevie's hand carefully, who flinched at the contact. "We should save water" she mumbled grimly.

Tess looked at her friend closely, studying her bitter facial expression. "What's wrong?"

"What do you mean? A board just hit my hand…"

"I don't mean that. You've been in a bad mood all morning."

"Can't I have a bad day?" Tess raised her eyebrows, she couldn't be fooled that easily.

"All right, it's Alex."

"Alex…" she sighed. Of course.

"I know what you're thinking, but it's not that. Of course _you're_ mad at him."

"You're right, I am."

Stevie merely nodded. "Yeah." Something about the quiet reply that was so not like her caught Tess' attention. Whether it was the undertone or the way she had started playing with the dishtowel, she wasn't able to tell. It caused her to remember her initial concern.

"But that's unimportant now…what about Alex?"

"It's just…uh…with him, I feel like I'm always competing with the past, ya know? I know that if many things hadn't happened, he'd never have seen more in me than a friend."

"Oh Stevie, maybe you should better talk to Alex about this, but…these things did happen, you see? You both changed through those experiences and he-"

"No, don't. I was there when Fiona left, I saw how hurt he was. But I've never seen him as crushed as he was when Claire died…and I know when he thinks about those things, I see it. And I can't bar him from thinking about it, of course, cos that's a part of his life. I don't want him to forget it all, either, but…but I'm _so jealous_ you see, and there's nothing I can do about it! Isn't that sick? I'm jealous of something tragic like that…" Her eyes had begun to water and she quickly turned her face away. Tess skidded closer with her chair and put an arm around her, comforting her friend without saying anything. She had listened silently, it seemed impossible to find the right words. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you that." She wiped away her tears with her uninjured hand. "I forgot for a moment-"

"No, don't be. It doesn't…hurt my feelings or anything." This wasn't the entire truth, but fairly accurate. "And don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anyone that Stevie Hall cried."

That comment brought a smile back to Stevie's lips. "Cried? I think you're the one who should see the doctor for a visual test…"

They were interrupted by talking voices, which could be heard from just outside the other entrance that lead into the kitchen directly. It was preceded by three figures entering the respective room. "Mummy!" The youngest ran towards her, holding up a feather.

"We helped feed the chickens, Aunty Tess!"

"Oh, did you?"

"…but one of 'em peed on the granos", Emily added, "and still ate them!"

"Ew, well, chickens to that sometimes."

"But it's icky!"

"I know, honey."

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The first thing that he felt was a stinging pain inside his head. The bright light cut through his brain like a sword and he closed his eyes again quickly. He wanted to go on sleeping, just resting in that comfortable position, but the sickness in his stomach wouldn't let him do so.

As he was lying on the sofa, reality began to trickle back into his mind in a matter of nanoseconds. He remembered the argument, the pub, Stevie…Stevie? Had she really been there? Yes, there were images of her in his memory, pictures of her talking, but what had she said? He was only able to recall bits of it. How had he reached Killarney, or…this didn't feel like his bed.

Alex opened his eyes again. They were still hurting from the light, but he risked another look around. The cottage. Drover's Run. Stevie. He pushed back the blanket slowly and sat up, rubbing his stiff neck. Another wave of nausea threatened to overwhelm him as he took a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts. His throat was dry; he stood up carefully and walked over to the sink, where he turned on the tap and splashed some water in his face. It felt nice, so cool. The clock on the wall showed that it was about 9.20 a.m..

Alex heard some voices outside. "You need to fix the turbine today or there won't be any water left."

"Can't Chloe do that? I just fixed the pipes."

"Chloe doesn't know how to do it."

"She's here to learn, Stevie."

"Yeah, and I'm here to make sure the cows don't die of thirst. You can do it later, but we've gotta do the drenching first, it's overdue. I'll meet you outside in ten minutes."

"Righto" Jodi groaned.

Stevie entered the room, tossing her hat onto the table before even closing the door. When she noticed Alex, she smiled, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Well, look who's awake. Took you a while."

"Good morning" he replied neutrally.

"Hangover?" she asked judiciously.

"I guess."

"There should be some aspirin in the top drawer over there." She approached the sofa and folded the blanket she had given him.

He walked over to the chest of drawers, opened the first one, grabbed the small box and took one of the pills. "Thanks."

"Listen-"

"You-" They laughed sheepishly.

"You first."

"I'm sorry, Stevie. I guess I was acting like a jerk last night."

"It was a tough day, a difficult situation, I understand that" she remarked conciliatorily.

"It had nothing to do with you."

"But that's exactly the point, Alex!" she exclaimed sulkily.

"What is?" He was confused, how could she be so understanding in one moment and snap at him in the next?

"Nothing." She looked frustrated when she sat down on the couch. "You should go and talk to Nick."

"No, I wanna know. What did I do now?"

"I told you, nothing."

Alex sat down next to her; his headache was tormenting him. "Then what's the problem?"

Stevie sighed and looked over at him. "I know this is not the perfect time to ask, but…who am I?"

"Uh…in what respect?" Somehow, he had the feeling that "you're Stevie Hall" wouldn't be a satisfactory answer.

"…to you? What are we?"

"Well, I'd say you're my girlfriend if that didn't sound so teenager-like."

She smiled wanly, pushing a few loose auburn curls behind her ear. A mixture of affection and pain was reflected in her eyes. "You see, I never meant to ask you this, but I need to know. Am I just…a fair replacement? Like a substitute affair because you couldn't fulfil your real dreams?"

"What!" This was one of the most stupid things he had ever heard her say. Why would he start a temporary love affair that was doomed to failure with his best mate? How did that make sense?

"I'm not asking you any what-if questions, cos I know…" She paused for a moment. "…cos that would be no use. I just want to know where we're going."

"Of course this isn't just an- an affair, I thought that much was clear!"

"We hardly talked about it."

"We've been together for almost a year now!"

"So?"

"So what?" This whole conversation was getting ridiculous. "Doesn't that mean anything?"

"That's what I'd like to know."

"Stevie" He rested his arm on the back of the couch carefully, testing if she would resent the motion. "I know things went wrong yesterday. It's just that everything- that it stirs up old things. I just have to…sort it out."

She nodded. "And while you do, maybe it's better to get some distance because I don't have a part in it."

"But you do! You're the one who's always straightforward, who tells me if I'm wrong and I need you because you…because I…" For a moment, she gazed at him expectantly. Why couldn't he say it? There seemed to be this lump in his throat, this voice inside his head which kept telling him that everything would be ruined if he did, as it always had been. What was he afraid of? He knew that he wanted to say it, needed to say it…but the words wouldn't leave his throat. The risk was too great. "…I…"

It was Stevie who broke the eye contact, visibly disappointed and angry. "I've got some drenching to do."

"No, wait." She got up quickly, grabbed her hat and left the cottage, slamming the door.

"I love you."


	7. Like Mother, Like Daughter

**Chapter Six**

He approached the paddock slowly and laid an arm onto the top bar. What he observed brought a smirk to his lips: Charlotte was sitting on horseback, riding Gadabout in a fast trot. The old gelding's ears kept turning in excitement and the little girl was clearly enjoying herself, too. For the first time, Alex saw a big smile on her face.

He waved over at Tess, who was standing at the centre of the paddock. "Hey!"

"Hey, Alex." She examined him with a short glance and turned back to her niece, beaming. "Good job, honey, but I think that's enough for now. Slow down to a walk."

"Already?" she asked with visible disappointment. "Can't we go on for a bit?" This was definitely Claire's daughter, Alex thought, a notion that filled his heart with joy.

Tess raised her eyebrows; a grin was tugging at the corners of her mouth. "Sure, but I'm convinced that you know how to ride now and I thought that we could start exploring Drover's later, like I promised-"

Charlotte's face lit up. "Really!"

"…unless you prefer riding in the paddock, of course."

"No, Aunty Tess, please, I wanna see everything!"

"All right. I have to get some more work done before that, though. And we need to cool Gadabout down; let him walk a few more rounds."

While Charlotte was concentrating on the horse, completely ignoring Alex's presence, Tess came over to him, climbing through the two top bars of the fence.

"I thought you and the others were busy drenching the sheep."

"The others are rounding them up right now, we'll start after that", she explained.

Alex nodded and turned back to Charlotte, who was petting the horse, cooing something. "She's a good rider", he remarked. It was true, although her footwork was far from perfect, her posture and interaction with Gadabout showed that she had a natural talent for handling horses.

"Yeah, she is." Tess smiled proudly. "Peter let her take lessons in Fisher. But she's a stubborn one, too, and she'd rather be galloping wildly across the pastures right now than walking in a paddock."

"What, stubbornness in a McLeod!" he remarked with mock surprise. "She must take after Peter's side of the family…" Tess gave him a gentle nudge for the bold comment, but remained silent otherwise. Her vigilant eyes never left her niece.

In spite of the jesting, a sharp pain cut through Alex's heart as he was watching the seven-year-old, round after round. Oh yes, it was wonderful to observe Charlotte riding a horse for the first time, a happy moment…but there was always that bit missing. That bit, which included Claire coming around the corner and waving at her little girl. But Claire would never get to see her daughter grow up. It wasn't fair. She would have been such a great mother, a loving mum who would have given her child a sense of security. Yet that would never be and this was a painful realization they had all come to terms with…more or less. But worst of all was the knowledge that Charlotte had no recollections of her mother, that she would never get to know her. It just wasn't fair.

"I wish Claire could see this" he whispered quietly.

Tess turned her head, locked eyes with Alex, and for a moment, there was a silent understanding between them that went beyond words. "I know. Me too."

There was a pause in which the two of them pursued their own thoughts. The clicking of hooves was the only audible sound. After a while, Alex remembered why he had come here initially. "Where's Nick?"

"In the city, visiting Harrison. He'll be late tonight; you can talk to him tomorrow."

"Yeah. Uh, Tess…" He cleared his throat, trying to gain time to find the right words. "…I guess he told you about…everything."

"Yes, he did", she replied coolly. He was still waiting for that long speech full of reproaches, which would have been appropriate, but to his surprise, it didn't come. Yet he wasn't certain if that was something to be thankful for, since this awkward, silent accusation caused him to feel guiltier than anything else could have. It appeared to demand a defence, a good reason for what he had done…but unfortunately, there wasn't one.

Still, he wanted to justify himself and took care to speak quietly enough so Charlotte couldn't hear them. "Listen, I know I made a big mistake back then –a huge, gigantic mistake-"

"Please, I don't want to hear that." Tess looked chagrined at his apologetic helplessness. Her forehead was full of wrinkles of sorrow, her lips pressed together tightly, and she evidently had to try hard to keep her voice down. "I don't understand how even you could do something _that_ stupid, but that's not the point." She took a deep breath. "The point is that you should have told us years ago, but you didn't."

"I know, it just…whenever you came for a visit, you looked so happy, and I didn't want to ruin that."

"Oh, bullshit, Alex." This answer was so unlike Tess that he had to suppress a grin in spite of the serious situation. Tess merely shook her head faintly. "To tell the truth, I'm too exhausted to care right now. But you're not off the hook that easily! I want you to sort things out with Charlotte…and Peter."

"And how am I supposed to do that?"

"Explain yourself…you'll find a way."

"I somehow doubt that either of them would even talk to me."

Tess sighed. "You're making this too easy on yourself."

"No, I just don't know what to say to a seven-year-old kid who thinks I hate her", he replied bitterly.

"You're not even trying!" The response came out a bit too loud because Charlotte turned her head, looking at the two adults curiously. Tess forced a smile and lowered her voice. "But this is hardly the right time or place to talk about it."

"Right. And I should really get back to Killarney now, before Keith takes it over." He tapped his hat as a salutation and trudged away a few steps, before turning around again. "Oh, and…I said some things yesterday that I shouldn't have. I was acting like a jerk, to be exact. Did Nick…I mean-"

"You may be a jerk sometimes", Tess interrupted him, "but you're also his brother…and, unfortunately, my brother-in-law. Families tend to be forgiving. Talk to him, Alex."

Alex nodded and left, walking across the yard. Only then, it struck him that his car was still standing in front of the pub in Gungellan. He would either have to find a ride or borrow Nick's motorcycle, and neither alternative seemed appropriate right now. Who could he ask? Stevie? Hardly; he needed to talk to her, desperately, but asking her for a favour right now would give her the wrong impression. Tess? Nope. Jodi? He had no idea where she was and even if he found her, she would probably tell him to bugger off because she was busy. Meg? Probably not here and if she was, she would find out what was going on in five seconds. And the English girl? Well, she wouldn't complain or ask questions, exactly, but he felt bad using her like that. Besides, she'd probably get in trouble with Stevie, which would lead to the question why he hadn't asked her right away…women were complicated like that.

For a moment, Alex simply stood there in the yard, at a loss for the next step. These troubles were forgotten, however, when he saw Stevie coming out of the shed, carrying a few buckets. This was his chance. He needed to say it now, tell her what he felt. Life was too short for luxuries like delay, as he had come to realize. Once you had the opportunity, you needed to grab it. He still could have kicked himself for being so hesitant earlier.

Stevie only noticed him when he had started running towards her. She set down the buckets and sighed. "What?"

"I love you", he blurted out, more quickly than intended.

"I beg your pardon?" she asked with exaggerated courtesy.

"I love you, Stevie." It felt so good to have said it, so relieving…so very right. He quickly realized that it might have been a mistake, though, when he saw the dumbfounded expression on her face. She seemed to question his sanity.

"Um, just now because I look so breathtaking, or will it last till after lunch!"

Alex only perceived now that her face and clothing were smeared with dirt; even small chunks of dry earth were tangled in her hair. His enthusiastic smile fell and was replaced by a look more tender and affectionate. He drew nearer and carefully picked one of the clots out of her hair. "I'm dead serious. I love you."

Stevie's jaw dropped and a surprised "oh" escaped her lips. For the first time in a while, she was speechless.

"Oh? What do you mean?"

"Well, that caught me a bit off guard, I'd always pictured-"

"I say 'I love you' and you say 'oh'!" He felt hurt and, admittedly, somewhat insecure.

"Alex…"

"I wanted to tell you earlier, but-"

"Alex-"

"It took me way too long to realize, I know, but I've loved you for a long time and you-"

"Alex, shut up!" When he did, her baffled expression vanished and she smiled, although she seemed close to tears at the same time- and suddenly, Alex grasped that she was deeply moved. "I love you, too."

"Whoo-hoo!" They both jumped when Jodi started cheering, since they hadn't noticed her walking by with a few canisters of drenching appliance. "Finally! Took you long enough!"

Stevie rubbed her nose, slightly embarrassed, but still unable to suppress a smirk. "Yeah, well, that's no reason to interrupt your work, Jodi. We need to get started with the drenching."

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"Are there any wallabies in there, too?"

"Sometimes, but you hardly get to see them." Tess smiled at her niece's curiosity; it pleased her that the little girl showed such interest in animals and the farm in general. Ever since they had left the wildlife corridor, it was all Charlotte had been talking about.

"What about kangaroos?"

"I'm afraid there are no kangaroos around here."

"I saw some last summer, in Warwick", BOM explained cheerfully. It was amazing that this was supposed to be the same girl who had been so diffident two days ago. "But they weren't very big, and they didn't come close."

"They're shy animals" Tess explained.

As they reached the top of the hill, she stopped Oscar to be able to fully appreciate the landscape. A stunned "whoa" escaped Charlotte's lips, when she was suddenly able to look down at the homestead from a distance. Tess swallowed heavily; her niece was right- the view was overwhelming. Words were unnecessary, the picture spoke for itself; and she wondered if Charlotte, with her limited knowledge of Drover's Run, was already able to see the full beauty of it. She certainly wouldn't feel the same, fierce attachment that seemed to run through Tess's veins. The intensity of it even hurt sometimes.

They gazed down at the handsome old house, which seemed burdened by the afternoon heat, the scarce trees that grew beside it, and good old Roy dozing in the shadow. He hadn't been the leading sheepdog for a long time; these days, his frail bones didn't allow him to do much besides sleeping and barking at strangers in a half-hearted attempt to scare them off, but although he didn't "work" anymore, he seemed like a self-evident, essential part of Drover's.

Tess turned around in the saddle to memorize every detail of the environment she had missed so much. The sun painted shimmering, moving patterns on the yellow grass, which caused it to look like a cascade flowing downhill. Occasionally, a few purple flowers would peek through, although most of them had dried up with the lack of rain. The land appeared eternally wide; she was able to follow the deserted road with her eyes up to the horizon.

She glanced sideways at her niece and noticed her amazement. "Does all this belong to you, Aunt Tess?"

"Oh no, not _all _of it" she laughed. "See the stone wall over there? And the huge tree way there in the back? That's where Drover's Run ends. And besides…it's not all my property. Jodi and Stevie own a part of the land, too, and someday, it will be divided between you, Emily, and their children."

Charlotte's eyes widened. "You mean…a part of this will be mine?"

"Of course!" Tess had always regarded that fact as a matter of course. "It used to be divided between your mum and me, and it belonged to your grandfather before that."

"Wow." Charlotte seemed quite overwhelmed by the information.

Her aunt smiled reassuringly. "But as long as you're under eighteen, which you're going to be for a while, I'm afraid you'll have to listen to what I say around here. Can you live with that?"

The little girl nodded absent-mindedly, playing with Gadabout's mane.

"What's the matter?"

Charlotte didn't look up. "You said this belonged to mum, too. D'you think she'd want me to be…like…a farmwoman-person?"

Tess smiled sadly. "I think she'd want you to be anything that makes you happy, no matter what that is. And I think it's time to move on now, there's something I wanna show you."

She abetted Oscar with her legs and Charlotte followed her. They rode on side by side, with Tess telling her niece stories about her former farm life. She wanted her sister's daughter to know everything about their brief life together on Drover's, about the years they had spent drenching sheep, droving cattle, defending the farm against storms, droughts, or gatecrashers who were out to make some money.

Charlotte seemed to devour her stories with great interest, clinging to every detail in a way that made Tess's heart cringe. She kept asking for more, looking so happy that it was impossible for her aunt to set an end to her own tirade. Moreover, she hadn't talked about those days for a long time, as she noticed with a certain degree of shock. It had hurt too much at the beginning, and then…then what? She had simply attempted to lock the memories away and only dug them out at night, when it appeared impossible not to think about them. Yet it felt good to verbalize her recollections…and to her own surprise, it didn't hurt anymore to relive them. There was a great deal of nostalgia involved, but for the first time in years, Tess felt at ease with the past. What remained was not endless pain, guilt and despair, but happy memories.

When Tess had finished telling Charlotte all about Madonna, the cow, the little girl brought forward what she had been brooding about. "Um, Aunty Tess…you know, school doesn't start till February."

"Yeah." She had a suspicion what her niece was hinting at, but didn't want to believe it until she heard it from her lips.

"I know I'm supposed to leave tomorrow, but can't I stay for a little longer?" Charlotte looked over at her aunt with a pleading expression on her face. "_Please_…"

Tess was overjoyed and unable to suppress showing it. "Oh, sweetheart, I want you to know that you're always welcome to stay here for as long as you want to! But you need to ask your dad first. If he agrees, it's fine with me. Call him when we get back!"

"I will." Charlotte was getting excited and hurried Gadabout a little more. Tess didn't want to raise false hopes in her niece, but she was too happy about the request itself to hide her joy.

Finally, they arrived at the location they had been heading for. "Here we are", she proclaimed festively.

Charlotte looked around aimlessly, trying to find out what was so special about the place. "What's that?"

"This", Tess gestured at one of the old huts, "is where you were born."

Her niece frowned. "Aren't babies born in hospitals?"

"Normally, they are, but you wouldn't make it that easy on your mum. When a baby wants to come out, it just comes out."

Charlotte gaped at the cabin, then back at her aunt. "I was born in a rattly shack!"

"Yes."

"Cool!"

Tess grinned. "It wasn't as 'cool' for us, we were scared to death…wanna go inside?"

"Sure!"

They got off their horses, throwing the reins over a branch, and stepped into _the _hut. The interior was only dimly lit, and it smelled like shrivelled moss and mould. A few rays of sun cut through the boards, illuminating the dust in the air, which came from a few hay bales lying on the ground.

Tess pointed at a corner. "Right there, that's where Claire…where your mum was kneeling. I tried to assist as much as I could, but to be honest with you…I was so afraid to do something wrong. Ah, and that's where Alex was-"

"_Alex_ was there at my birth?" Her smile faded when his name was being mentioned in that context.

Tess sighed. "Yes, it was a coincidence- long story. He did his best, too, but he was so nervous that he wasn't that much of a help. Still, I think Claire was glad he was there." She had spoken the last part to herself rather than to her niece.

The little girl shook her head angrily. "Nuh-uh, he didn't care anyways."

"No, Charlotte, that's not true." Tess approached her and seized her shoulders gently. She hadn't intended to defend Alex, after what he had done, but it seemed unjust that Charlotte should suppose something that was as wrong as this. "He cares about you very much, he always did. I know you don't remember, but he used to baby-sit you a lot when you were little."

"Why didn't he come back, then?"

"I…" Tess wasn't sure how to answer that question. Charlotte was too young to understand the truth, but she didn't want to lie to her, either- and there was no good lie she could think of, anyway. She hesitated for a moment, annoyed that she had to be the one to explain things to her niece, not Alex, whose fault it all was. "I'll explain that when you're older."

"So there's no reason!"

"Oh yes, there is, but it's a bit…complicated, you see."

Charlotte tramped outside, visibly disappointed. "I don't care, anyway."

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	8. And What Remains Is The Silence

**Chapter Seven**

The last sunlight of the day bathed the landscape in a warm, golden tone. The heat had subsided (if ever so slightly), but the air was now filled with swarms of mosquitoes. Tess was slowly walking up the hill, consciously feeling every step, taking in the smell of home with every breath. It was this wide, beautiful land that caused her to feel at rest, that suddenly filled her with this indescribable feeling that her worries were meaningless and that everything was going to be okay. At this precise moment, she realized that it had been the right decision to come back. Perhaps this was not the land she had grown up on, but it certainly was and always would be her home…although a part of it had gone with Claire.

Claire. She approached the simple, grey stone that marked her sister's grave, only to find out that someone had laid down a single rose in front of it. It had withered quickly under the heat, but Tess could not get herself to remove it. These roses did not grow on Drover's Run, they were the expensive, specially cultivated kind and she was pretty sure that she knew where this one came from…

Tess smiled sadly and kneeled down in front of the grave, laying her own bouquet of wild flowers next to the rose.

"Claire…it's been a long time." She tried to gather her thoughts, still staring at the cold stone. _1973-2003._ "Nick and I are back to stay, which is good news, I guess. Not that Drover's wouldn't have been doing fine without me…Stevie's doing a great job and you'd be so surprised if you could see Jodi right now, she has grown up a lot. Seems hard to believe that she used to be that teenager who was afraid to get her hands dirty."

"It's good to be back, but…I'm not sure where I fit into the picture and I don't know how Nick feels about it. The company he was working with...well, they couldn't afford him anymore. That struck him, but you know Nick, he's not the most vocal person when it comes to talking about that sort of thing. I hope he'll be able to settle down here. The first thing he did was to drive to Wilgul to see how things were going there. I suppose that both of us- that we'll need a bit of time to get used to everything."

Tess remained silent for a moment, just staring at that same spot with the years. She realized that she was older now than Claire had been at the time of the accident. It was an awkward thing, to be older than Claire. Thirty had always seemed like a young age, too young to die at, but it had never felt quite as young to Tess as it did now. How strange, to be thinking about something like that…

"Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt that it was right to come back here. I…I brought Charlotte back. She's going to stay for her summer holiday. I think she likes it here; she's drawn to it, especially to the horses. She takes after you in that respect."

Tess swallowed, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to fall. "But…Alex and her are having some problems. He made a mistake once and never really corrected it, but he has to pay for it now, bitterly. Charlotte is pushing him away and he doesn't know how to deal with the situation. I don't really know what to do with those two. I…often wonder what you would say if you were here, or rather do. Come to think of it, you probably wouldn't say much. You'd tell me to stop talking to dead people and to get back to the sheep." She was still smiling, but her vision had started to blur.

"Oh Claire, this is not the way things were supposed to be. Whenever I tried to imagine the future, I pictured you and Alex, me and Nick and our children and grandchildren playing together. Corny, huh? But if that hadn't worked out, we still would have been those two crazy old ladies living with a bunch of cattle…but we won't be. And you won't ever…" She broke off the sentence rapidly and started to rearrange the flowers just so she had something to do, something she could control.

"But, you know, about our BOM- she's a fine girl. She's good at school, and she plays soccer. You should see her and Emily together, it's adorable. Peter…he did a good job, they seem…like a happy family. You-" And that was the point when Tess lost control because she simply did not have the strength to care anymore. "you'd be so proud of her…"

She started sobbing, slowly at first, still kneeling in front of the headstone. Her hand covered her mouth, but that didn't stop her from crying the tears she had held back for a long time. It was not so much the flood of memories that overwhelmed her, but the realization of what could have been, the pictures of Claire's and Alex's wedding, of her sister teaching Charlotte, the daughter she had only been able to take care of for less than four months, how to ride a horse, of all of them seeing the girl off to school on her first day, of Claire holding the niece she never got to know. Tess had said goodbye a long time ago, and yet that wasn't enough. There would never be an "enough", not since that day in the Ute when Tess McLeod could have died but didn't. She had come far enough to appreciate her being alive and accept the fact that her sister wasn't, but the pain of it would never lessen. It had made her realize that things did not happen for a reason after all, they just happened.

But she was angry at her sister, too, no matter how wrong it was. Coming back to Drover's had stirred up many old feelings, and one of them was rage. Claire had left her, Alex, the farm and, most importantly, her daughter. She had disappeared in a matter of minutes, just like that. And now it was up to Tess to sort out the mess this had caused, the indirect consequences of it. She was furious –wanted to be furious- and it hurt. God, it still hurt so much that she wanted to scream.

Yet screaming wouldn't help. Crying wouldn't help. Distraction wouldn't help. She had tried everything and on most days, just carrying on with life was okay. But the dead would still be dead and it was nonsense, a stupid cliché, how people said that the pain would fade with time. Perhaps one just got used to it a little more, day by day.

Tess had no idea for how long she had been crouching on the ground. She felt numb, empty and, in a way, tranquilized. The oppressive weight, which seemed to rest on her chest so often, had left. The sun had almost set; she would have to see that the girls went to bed soon. She got up, brushed off her pants and picked a few shrivelled leaves off the gravestone.

"Hey" a male voice uttered gently behind her.

She spun around quickly. "Alex!"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. But you probably wanna be alone, I'll come back another time."

"No, that's okay." He appeared somewhat bewildered, overtaxed by the situation. There was that helpless, sad look in his eyes that she knew all too well. "I was just gonna go see if I can help Meg with the dishes anyway."

Alex didn't appear to be listening; he was looking at her in a concerned manner. It was only then that she realized that it was probably impossible to overlook the signs which showed that she had been crying. Tess wiped her cheeks self-consciously and took a few steps away from the grave, about to go home.

"You alright?" he asked, observably worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

He nodded, his hat in his hands, in a way that made her want to tell him that everything was going to be alright, but of course Tess couldn't know that and wasn't even sure if she believed in it herself. She didn't know what to say. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"See ya."

She walked down the slope, trying to focus on the things she would have to get done this week, but turned around again. "Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"If you work on it, I think…you and Charlotte could get along. Just give her a little time, alright?"

"I screwed up, Tess. I doubt that a little time's gonna be enough in this case." He turned around and stared at the grave, lost in thought.

Tess sighed, wondering what Claire would have done.


	9. The RyanEmpire

**Chapter Eight**

A week had passed without too much trouble, except for the deficit of water. Alex had called Peter, as Tess had heard from Nick, but he had always hung up on him. Charlotte still acted rather coolly and uncomfortable around Alex, although she had got used to life on Drover's Run besides that. He had made some attempts at casual conversation, but she had blocked them in a rude manner. Emily's riding was improving, but she still hadn't quite lost her fear of "big horses". She and Charlotte were getting along well, and yet Emily appeared a little jealous of the attention her cousin was getting.

The women of Drover's Run, except for Chloe, were all gathered in the kitchen, chopping vegetables, sorting the mail, cleaning the grill in the kitchen sink (to Meg's horror). Charlotte was cutting cucumbers for a salad, under Tess's supervision. Alex was sitting at the table, doing…well, nothing, for which he had received quite a few glares and pert comments from Stevie. Nick was working over at Killarney.

Suddenly, Jodi looked up from the letters, shocked. "Oh, bugger…"

Meg frowned. "What?"

"Uh, I forgot to get the eggs this morning."

"Jodi!" Stevie exclaimed in utter bewilderment. "You've been working here for how long…!"

"I know, sorry. I was so busy watching the kids that I just…forgot."

"Well, get 'em now."

"I'll go get them!" Charlotte offered, beaming. She dropped the knife and was already on her way out when Tess called after her.

"Be careful, chickens bite sometimes!"

Meg smirked knowingly. "Make use of that enthusiasm as long as it lasts. Farms don't remain that exciting forever."

Tess shrugged. "Well, if she had grown up here, all of us probably would've spoiled her. That's the one good thing about her not staying- she didn't turn into a little princess."

"Hey, I grew up here, and I didn't turn into a spoiled little princess!" Jodi remarked. There was a moment of silence in which all of the attendees had to try hard not to laugh. Stevie failed at suppressing it, but attempted to conceal it as a cough, which produced a weird snorting noise.

"What?"

"Honey, you know how Jack enjoyed spoiling you" Meg remarked. "I should have restricted him more on that area."

"Mum!"

"Oh, c'mon, Jodi", Alex laughed, "you know she's right."

She glared at him. "No comments from you, Alex Ryan. You probably had a bank account before you were even born. You're a member of the Ryan-Empire."

"Yeah, and don't forget to mention those silver spoons the servants used to feed us mash with" he replied sarcastically.

"Seriously, though, when I was little, you guys were like that clan from 'Dynasty' for me…and I was Lindsay, the girl from next door."

Alex laughed. "Thanks, so what does that make me? Fallon, the spoiled daughter of 'the clan'?"

Stevie grinned, visibly amused. "_You _used to watch the endless repetitions of 'Dynasty'?"

"Oh, just a few episodes…to see what the girls were talking about, ya know?"

"And did it work?"

"Did what work?"

She spread her arms in an exaggerated gesture. "Did you manage to impress them with your great knowledge of Crystle's and Alex's problems?"

"Ts, her name was Alexis, not Alex. Get it right!" He went over to the sink and stood behind Stevie, barely touching her waist with his hands, which he knew she hated because she was ticklish. Stevie yelped, dropped the grill and turned around, pushing him away with her wet hands.

Jodi shook her head. "Get a room!"

They were still laughing, when Chloe entered the kitchen, sweaty and covered in dirt. "I've cleaned the pipe." She wiped her face with the sleeve of her blue shirt, which had once looked nice. "What now?"

"Actually, why don't you sit down with us for a while and take a break?" Tess suggested friendly. She wanted to integrate the girl a little more.

Chloe shrugged and took the chair across from where Jodi was sitting. Tess handed her a glass of water.

"Thanks!"

"It's too hot outside for this work, I know."

"Well, it needs to be done."

"Unfortunately." Tess grabbed the rest of Charlotte's cucumber and cut it, but her actual focus was still on the new worker. "Where in England are you from again?"

"Uh, Durham. It's up in the north."

"Ah." She didn't know what else to say, although small talk had never been her weakness.

Chloe emptied the glass of water with another big sip. Tess looked her over, inconspicuously, as she was hoping. The young woman was neither pretty, nor unalluring. Her olive green eyes, the snub nose and the pale, faintly freckled skin that fell prey to sunburn easily, gave the impression of a sweet, kind personality. She was short and not as rangy as Stevie, which let her look a little stout, although she wasn't really chubby. Her most beautiful feature was clearly the long, straight red hair that fell over her shoulders in shiny wisps.

"And your folks?", Tess asked. "Don't they miss you?"

Chloe shrugged, smiling. "I don't know. I guess so." Gee, it was difficult to get some information out of that girl. For some reason, however, Tess liked her.

Alex turned around while he was helping Stevie clean the grill. "You got family up there?"

She nodded. "My mum and two brothers. Benjamin's twenty-two, he works as a joiner and wants to start his own workshop someday. Joey's the youngest, he's fourteen and in a…bad phase."

Meg snorted. "Who wasn't? Two brothers- must be tough."

"Yes, but…you miss them when they're gone." For a moment, a distant, melancholic look overshadowed her smile, but she shrugged it off quickly. "Oh well, that's what e-mails are for. I should get back to work now. What's next?"

"The stables still need to be mucked out" Stevie stated in her bossy tone.

"All right."

"I'll go see where Charlotte's got to" Tess explained upon leaving the kitchen. "Oh, and Alex, don't forget to take the pump Jodi used with you."

"Which pump?" he asked, confused. "Did you borrow something?"

"Um, Tess…", Stevie addressed her hesitantly, "that pump doesn't belong to Killarney, it's ours. We bought it a couple of years ago."

"But…oh, I see. Right. Sorry!" She laughed embarrassed, wishing that the others would stop staring at her. "It's a nice…pump."

Alex grinned. "I'll take it, if you don't want it."

"How very generous of you." Tess smiled and walked away, but inside, she was boiling. How could she have forgotten that e-mail Stevie sent her about the new pump? Sure, it was hard to keep track of all of the updates, but this was her property, she should at least know it, shouldn't she?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey" Nick greeted his brother, entering the neat living room of Killarney's homestead.

Alex was sitting on, or rather slouching about the beige couch, with his legs on the table. "Hey."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothin'. Just thinking."

"Mind if I join in?" He sat down on the couch next to his brother.

"I can't bar you from thinking. But what are you doing here anyway? It's a bit late, your wife's gonna miss you."

Although Nick didn't feel like talking about business at the moment, he knew he would have to bring it up sooner or later- and sooner was the preferable choice, most of the time. "I skimmed through Killarney's records today. And I noticed that the profit we used to make through wool went down rapidly."

Alex groaned. "Yeah, I know. It's because I invested more in cattle. The Charnwood contract gave us a real boost in meat production."

"Pretty risky. What if Killarney loses Charnwood as a customer? We'd be in the red right away. It would be better if you dispersed the investments more."

He sat up, shaking his head. "Nick, I know a thing or two about leading a farm, too, alright? So far, we've been doing fine. And we're not gonna lose Charnwood."

"I hate to bring it up, but…Killarney's been making seven percent less profit since…" He broke off his sentence in the middle, looking for a more sensitive way to express his concern.

"Go on, say it! Since Harry's death, I know!"

Nick sighed, annoyed that it was impossible to have a reasonable conversation with his brother without him feeling offended. "I'm just stating facts, you know that. Why do you never listen to me?"

"I do, but we hardly ever agree! You see, someone's gotta make the decisions. And you weren't here."

"Don't start that again…"

Alex shook his head defensively. "No, I'm just saying…things have changed, mate. We had to switch suppliers a while ago. The new food is more expensive, but we'll get a better price for the meat. And there's the additional income from grassland lease agreements, too. Everything's under control."

It became clear to Nick that his brother would stand by his opinion. "Okay, fine, you're the boss at Killarney, it's your business. But what about Wilgul?"

"What about it?"

He gazed at Alex, dumbfounded. Did he really have to state the obvious? "Alex, the new tenants will bankrupt it sooner or later! I doubt that they have much farming experience as leaders, they're completely overstrained with the managing part."

"Hey, Dan and Allison are trying their best, and their situation has improved lately. They're decent people."

"They're nice folks and little Lachlan's cute", Nick agreed, "but you make too many decisions based on sympathy. They haven't been making any profit so far and it seems like they're sick of it all, too."

"These are tough times, who _is _making profit, really? They've only been here for five months, we're in the middle of a drought, and they have a two-year-old son to take care of. Of course they're exhausted, what did you expect?"

Nick kept silent, considering his options. He didn't want the young family to get the sack, really. On the other hand, it was the only way to fulfil his plans for Wilgul. He had thought it through over and over again; it had been on his mind even before they had left Argentina. Now, regarding how things were working out at Drover's and Killarney, he didn't feel bad about it anymore. It was time to do what he wanted to do. Fifty percent of the property belonged to him; he had the right to demand that the Kneales left within a certain period of time, reasoning that they were doing a bad job. But he'd have to reach some kind of agreement with his brother, who owned the other half of the farm…and that was probably the hardest part.

Apparently, Alex misinterpreted his silence as disapprovement. He sighed. "Fine, I'll go talk to them tomorrow, see how bad their situation really is…and then we'll see."

"Okay."

"Want a beer?"

"No…no, thanks."

Alex looked at his brother for a long time. "Nick, why are you really here?"

"I told you. Farm business."

"In the middle of the night. Right", he replied in a tone, which clearly indicated that he didn't believe Nick. He got up from the couch. "That's settled, then. Mind if I go to bed?"

"I'd like to buy your share of Wilgul."

Alex turned around with a baffled expression. "What?"

"Let's not kid ourselves, Killarney always meant much more to you than it did to me. And now, it's your farm through and through."

"It's-"

Nick cut him off quickly. "No, you know that it would never work. We're too different."

Alex closed his mouth and sat back down, but the concerned look on his face didn't disappear. "So you wanna start your own business- by yourself? You plan to live on Drover's Run, but lead Wilgul?"

"Exactly. You see, ever since I got back from the university –no, long before that, actually- I wanted to have _my own_ farm. I just couldn't see…that the solution was right in front of my eyes. And with Harry's heart disease and the job in Argentina, which was great…I just lost track. Of course I'll have to employ some workers and a qualified overseer, but it could work."

Alex nodded slowly. "And what does Tess say to that?" Nick shrugged. "You did tell her, didn't you? Man…"

"I wanted to wait until we've settled down a bit more. I can't build up Wilgul right away, anyway." Tess would understand, he was certain of that. She had always supported him in striving for his goals. And it wasn't as if a whole lot would change for her, or Emily. He had made a silent promise to himself that he wouldn't neglect his family, ever.

"But buying Wilgul means you'll spend a lot of time there, not just a few hours a day."

"Thanks, I know that. Will you sell?"

"Are you sure about this?" Alex still gazed at him doubtfully. Why couldn't he trust him?

"I am", Nick answered without turning a hair. He leaned back on the couch and stared up at the white ceiling. That stucco decoration in the corners was painfully tacky. "They don't need me at Drover's and, you know, it's really Tess's farm. The whole thing, organic farming and all that, it shows…her dreams, which is how it's supposed to be. She's so happy to be back, and I'm not gonna ruin it for her. But I need to do this."

After a moment, Alex stretched out his hand. "It's a deal, then. We'll talk about the financial part tomorrow, alright?"

"Alright." Nick took his brother's hand, held it for a moment longer than necessary, and smiled to himself.

Just then, the clock struck midnight. 'Another turning point', he thought, full of hope for the future.


	10. What If

_Author's Note: There's not going to be a new chapter for a while, because I'm going to head off to the U.S. on Wednesday. A friend and I are going on a trip up the West Coast from L.A. to Salem, which is going to be a lot of fun, I hope. I'll keep writing on the plane flights, though, and I'll get back on the 20th of August. Thank you for your patience, and I'm really sorry about the time you'll have to wait! _

**Chapter Nine**

„…so you just decided that, without even talking to me!" Tess sat up in bed rapidly, pushing her hair back. She was angry and disappointed, as he could tell from the lines on her forehead and the way she pressed her lips together.

"Shh, everyone's asleep" Nick tried to soothe her. "And I'm telling you now. I didn't want to wait until tomorrow."

"But you talked to Alex before."

"He's my brother!"

"And I'm your wife! How come you _never _talk to me about those things in advance? You…argh…" She lay back down abruptly, turned away and pulled the cover up to her chin, making it clear that the subject was closed for her.

Nick walked across the room to their bed and stopped, looking down at her convolved body helplessly. "I-"

"I'm tired" she muttered quietly.

"I'm sorry, Tess." He hesitated for a moment before deciding to sit down, and put a hand on her shoulder tentatively. "I didn't even know if Alex was gonna sell and I didn't want to say anything before that part was settled…because that would have made it so…real."

Tess didn't respond to his words. Nick figured that she really was too exhausted, and maybe too mad at him to answer, and lay down next to her, his front almost touching her back. "I'm sorry", he whispered again, closer to her ear.

As her breathing slowed down, so did his. He fell into an uneasy sleep, full of indefinable, angst-ridden dreams he wouldn't remember the next morning.

Tess stayed awake, gazing at the stars outside.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Do not fear!" Charlotte exclaimed in a ceremonial, "manly" voice. "Black-Eye-Joe is dead, you'll- I mean you _shall_ be safe from now on!"

"Oh, thank you!" Emily had her playmobil gypsy (who did not even belong to the pirate set) fly around the pirate's neck. She made kissing noises. "I love you!"

"No, Em." The older girl lowered her arm and shook her head in all seriousness. "They can't be in love."

"But then how are they gonna get married and have babies?"

"They won't! But Queenie Leliza can be a pirate, too, if you want to."

"Nooo" Emily whined. "Why can't they have babies?"

"Cos they're _pirates_! Pirates don't have babies, they rob other ships!"

"But- but they could rob ships and still have babies."

Charlotte looked at her, confused by such a proposition. "No…real pirates don't do that."

"Aunty Meg, can pirates have babies?"

Meg smiled, amused by the two girls' discussion. "Uh, I don't know, honey. I don't think they did in real life, but since it's your play, I guess they can do anything you want them to."

Emily turned back to her cousin, a triumphant look on her face. "Queenie wants babies."

"But Bill doesn't."

"Pirates are stupid." She dropped the plastic gypsy in disappointment, about to sulk, when a different idea crossed her mind. "Let's play outside! Maybe the little sheeps are still there!"

"Emily, you know the rules" Meg warned her in a strict tone. "No playing with the stock."

The little girl rolled her eyes. "…or big animals..."

"That's what I meant."

"But can we go outside?" Charlotte asked hopefully.

"Sure, as long as you stay close by the house. Don't touch the machines, and if you see a snake-"

The girls were already halfway out the door, since they knew Meg's speech by now. "Hey, don't you think you forgot something? I want you to clean up your toys first."

Both children threw an annoyed glance at her and strolled back slowly. For a moment, their facial expressions looked strikingly alike; it seemed impossible to overlook the fact that they were related. They could have been sisters, Meg noticed with a smile. Seeing them like this instantly caused her to remember Claire and Tess when they had been that age. It didn't seem so long ago. How quickly time passed…

Having put the pirate ship and the plastic figures back into a big, wooden box, the children left quickly, before their babysitter could think of something else. At the door, they almost bumped into Jodi, who had just returned from Jack's Folly. "Whoops, watch out!"

"Sorry!"

"And don't stay in the blazing sun for too long!" Meg called after them. She doubted that they had heard it.

Jodi approached the cupboard, grabbed a glass and filled it with water from the tap. "Holy cow, I'm melting!"

"You're not the only one."

"Mum, I've just been kneeling in the dirt for three hours-"

"-it hasn't been three hours-"

"Who cares, my clothes are sticking to my body, it looks like I peed my pants; can't you please let me complain?"

"Would you stop if I told you to?" Meg asked with a subtle smirk.

"Well, no, but…that's beside the point." She tugged at her pink shirt, fanning it in order to get some air to her skin.

Meg's gaze fell on one last remaining pirate lying in front of her feet. She sighed and picked it up, putting it into the box to the others.

Jodi grinned. "Looks like you've become the unofficial nanny for another generation of McLeod's."

"I don't mind."

"Hm. Where is everyone?"

"Tess and Stevie are gone to check on the sheep because Neil Thomson claims he saw a boar the other day-"

"Again? Didn't he just 'see' a dingo? What's it next time, a tiger?"

Meg ignored the comment. "…Chloe's cleaning the troughs out on the pastures, Nick's fixing the roof of the shed."

"How exciting."

"Stevie said it's your turn to do the joint tax return this year, so you better get started."

"I will, in a minute."

Jodi stood by the window and emptied her second glass of water, watching the kids run around outside. It stirred up memories inside her, pictures of herself getting refreshment from the hose on a hot day, although she hadn't been supposed to do so, because it was a "waste of water". Somehow, she had always lived under the illusion that the adults wouldn't notice the moist ends of her hair and the wet spots on her clothes. She remembered Jack smirking down at her a few times, but he had never said anything.

The girls had long since disappeared from her view, when Jodi caught herself still staring at the same spot. She turned around to her mother, who had gone back to hooking up the new toaster. "Mum, do you ever wonder what it would've been like, if Claire hadn't…"

Meg looked up, gazing at her daughter thoughtfully. The question surprised her, it appeared to come out of the blue. "Of course. All of us do."

"You know, I sometimes picture it…Charlotte would have stayed and Alex would live here now –weird thought- and him and Claire would probably be married with a bunch of more kids."

Meg smiled at Jodi affectionately. "I know."

For a few seconds, mother and daughter were brought together by a moment of silent remembrance. It was Meg who broke the eye contact, turning back to the plug with an abrupt motion. "But you're romanticizing things a bit…it's no use. Life doesn't go that way."

"Yeah, but do you think Peter would have come back, I mean, hypothetically speaking? With Alex and all?"

"I have no idea, Jodi. Does it matter?"

"…cos I honestly don't think he would have, he didn't seem to care too much that he had a kid."

Meg spun around with a furious expression on her face. "Don't ever say that again! He's Charlotte's father, for God's sake, and-" Suddenly, they heard loud rattling in the hall, and footsteps of someone running away.

Jodi bit her lip, a terrible suspicion crossing her mind. "Oh no…"

They hurried out of the kitchen and almost fell over the broom and bucket, which had been knocked over. "Charlotte?" Meg called anxiously.

The front door stood wide open, which made the conclusion they had drawn immediately more plausible. "Charlotte!"

"Charlotte!" Jodi joined in, full of concern about her niece. This was all her fault…how could she have been so stupid? "Come on, Charlie…"

In the gritted yard, they found Emily, who was looking around in confusion. "Have you seen Charlotte?" Meg asked from a distance.

The little girl mumbled something indefinable. Jodi, who reached her first, crouched down in front of her. "What?"

"She cut herself on the fence and…and then she went inside to get a pegado, but she ran back outta the house and didn't talk to me. Why-"

"Where did she go?"

"Over there." Emily pointed into the rough direction of the shed with the leaking roof.

"Thanks! Stay there, don't go away!"

The child was about to ask more questions, but the two women were already running off into the same direction as Charlotte. At the shed, they met Nick, who was standing on an old ladder. "What's wrong?" he asked, noticing their agitation.

"Have you seen Charlotte?"

"No, why?"

Jodi fidgeted nervously. "She, um, she ran away after I said some stuff to mum –things that she wasn't supposed to hear-"

Nick climbed down from the ladder right away. "Where is she?"

"We don't know!" Meg exclaimed, with less composure than usual. "We need to split up- Jodi, check the stables, all of them! I'll look through the house again and the chicken house, and Nick-"

"I'll check outside" he affirmed quickly.

"Meg!" They were about to depart, when they saw Chloe racing towards them. She clasped her hat in her right hand; loose strands of hair were hanging down from her bun and she looked utterly drained, but right now, the addressed one couldn't have cared less. "Mistral's gone!"

"Gone? What do you mean, gone!"

"She –I only…left her for a minute- she was…tied to…the pole" Chloe panted. "Firmly tied…only left her for a moment…"

"Was she saddled?" The young woman nodded, still out of breath.

"Why did you leave a saddled horse by a pole? Didn't you realize that someone might take off on her!" Nick snapped in a wrathful tone. His concern was getting the better of him.

"I was going to come back…I had to go to the bathroom quickly" she stammered, completely intimidated.

Jodi rolled her eyes. "Chloe, if you've got to pee, you go behind the next bush!"

Meg interrupted them. "This isn't the right time to discuss such things! We need to find Charlotte-"

Chloe gasped. "You think she took Mistral? But…could she mount her by herself?"

"There are stools, fences…" Nick murmured gravely. "We're not enough people to start a search, I'll go get Tess and Stevie. Get the horses ready."

With these words, he hurried off to the car. Tess would be devastated, he knew that much, and he was deeply worried himself, too. What if they couldn't find the girl? This horse might be hard to handle, especially for a seven-year-old kid, who didn't know her way around Drover's. She could get lost or worse! All of the potential dangers flashed through his mind- a riding accident, wild animals –that rumour about a boar could turn out to be true- dehydration, a sunstroke…he forced himself to push them aside, concentrating on the upcoming search.

This was a big property, Charlotte could be anywhere.


	11. Fear

_Hi everyone, well, I'm back(obviously)! My holiday was great, but I'm sorry I kept you waiting for so long. The following chapter didn't come out as easily as I thought it would, especially since I had it at over ten pages at first(I didn't want to keep you waiting for another chapter for the important resolution), before deciding to split it up into two chapters. So the good news is, the next one should follow in an hour or so because I'm nearly done! Enjoy!_

**Chapter Ten**

„I'm ready" Nick confirmed. It was embarrassing enough how everyone had watched his attempts to mount the horse.

"Are you sure you want to ride?" Tess asked quietly, while Stevie was reminding the other two to take enough water. Nick had been on more than one cattle drive in Argentina, but not in the past couple of years, not since they had left the ranch after his promotion. Although he tried to conceal it, Tess knew that his leg had actually been getting worse with time.

"The more, the better. The motorcycle's broken; this is the only way to get around. I've done this before" he stated, and with that, the matter was settled for him.

Tess was about to suggest that he stayed and let Meg ride instead, but swallowed it down since she knew he would object. Besides, there were more important things to worry about now; they didn't have time for a discussion like that. Maybe she merely focused on details like this one because she didn't want to think about the dangers that might have befallen her niece. She couldn't bear to imagine that something might have happened to Charlotte; all that she wanted was to find her, bring her back, and find out what was going on.

Sheena was prancing impatiently. Tess had never ridden her before and the mare clearly sensed her anxiety. Oscar would have been better, she thought, but Stevie had talked her out of taking him for the search, since he was so old and got exhausted quickly. This horse was supposedly reliable and mild-tempered…unlike Mistral.

Tess pushed the thought aside and forced herself to listen to Meg. How could her mind have drifted off in a situation like this, even if it was just for a few seconds? She simply wanted to get started.

"…stay by the house, in case she returns, and look after Emily. I couldn't reach Alex, but Terry will be here, soon."

"Thank you" Tess replied. She could tell that Meg was just as concerned as her, and felt a surge of gratitude towards her friend, who managed to keep a level head during crises. "We'll split up into pairs of two-"

"I'll ride by myself" Stevie acknowledged quickly, anticipating the question, since there were five of them.

Tess nodded after a moment of hesitation. She didn't want Nick or Chloe to take off alone, and Stevie would probably be doing better by herself than with anyone else. "Jodi, Chloe- please search Jack's Folly, Skinny Jim's and the old barracks, including the shed on the heights, Stevie- Little Regret, the Northern pasture and the trail, Nick and I will take over the river, the wildlife corridor and the rest. You know that there's- it's _possible_ that there's a boar around, so be careful. We'll meet here again at five."

Tess forced herself to smile down at her daughter reassuringly, who was looking at the adults wide-eyed, close to tears. "I'll be back soon, sweetheart, don't worry and be a good girl for Aunty Meg."

"You're gonna find Charlie, right?" she asked hopefully, with a pleading expression on her face.

Tess's heart sank at the question. "Of course we will. We'll find her." She immediately regretted the repetition, since there was something peculiar about any assertion one feels obliged to make twice.

The group split up, cantering into different directions. Meg looked after them, full of concern. She put her hands on Emily's shoulders from behind, squeezing them gently. "Let's go inside, I'll make us some tea."

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"Charlotte? Charlotte!"

"Charlotte!"

Tess sighed, no response once again. She eyed the grey sky suspiciously, which had darkened with clouds. They moved quickly; a warm breeze had emerged and the horses were starting to get restive. The weather could switch quickly out here. On the one hand, this was a pleasant change because the sun wasn't burning down anymore and a thunderstorm would maybe bring the overdue rain, on the other hand, the dry vegetation could easily inflame, the rain would make the ground slippery for the horses and the cracked earth would not be able to absorb all of the water, which could cause floods easily- and Charlotte was still out there. The last thing they needed now was a violent storm. For the first time in years, Tess hoped that it was a false alert, that the sky would not relieve itself onto the thirsting earth. Or if it could at least wait until they were all home safely…

"You think it's gonna rain?" she asked her husband.

Nick shrugged, throwing one more worried glance at the sky. "I'm not sure. At the moment, it looks like…I don't know. Everything's possible. We should hurry, though." He urged Gadabout forward with a little more force than necessary and looked around once more, searching every detail of the visible land for a sign of human life. "Charlotte!"

The horses found their way through the scrubland, across the rocky, uneven ground of the wildlife corridor. The bushes were getting thick in this area; it was harder to see through large groups of them.

"Charlotte!" Tess descended Sheena, tying her to a branch with a loose knot. "I'll check in there."

She pushed the hard twigs aside and tried to squeeze herself in between the first few bushes, noticing that some branches near the ground had been broken off. "Charlotte!"

Suddenly, she heard a cracking noise, coming from behind a small formation of rocks. Tess threw an alerted look back at her husband, who had already heard it, aiming the gun at a spot near her. He shook his head slightly, telling her not to check for the source of the sound.

Tess could feel her heart pounding strongly in her chest; it almost seemed as if any living being behind these rocks would hear it. Whoever, whatever this being was, she just wanted to know. The moments dragged, everything appeared as if in slow motion.

There was that cracking sound again. "Charlotte?" Her voice sounded shaky, reflecting her immanent fear. "If you're hiding somewhere, please come out. I won't be mad, I'm just worried."

The relieving answer didn't come. Instead, there was more quiet rustling, and Tess saw a small wombat running –or rather scuttling- away from the rocks. She let out the breath she had been holding and looked behind the formation: nothing else. "It was just a wombat."

At this realization, Tess felt weak and powerless. It occurred to her that Charlotte might have run away from Drover's Run, that she could be anywhere between Drover's and Gungellan, or worse, that she might have drowned in the river- they had only searched the bank so far. She noticed that she had clutched the rock, which had hurt her hand, leaving a small, bleeding scratch on her palm. She hardly felt it.

"Do you wanna move on?" Nick suggested behind her.

"Of course." She pulled herself together, turned around, untied the reins and mounted Sheena.

"You okay?"

"Sure." She was transfixed, focusing on what she needed to do to block out the feelings. "Charlotte!"

"It's not your fault, Tess."

"I'm responsible for her. I promised her father, and-" She broke off the sentence in the middle, looking around for any sign of a child.

"You couldn't have known what would happen; everything was fine this morning." Nick didn't know what exactly should have come after the "and", but he was able to guess that it had something to do with Claire's death. There had been insinuations before… However, he didn't understand how Tess could blame this on herself.

"Mistral's a young, nervous mare…she gets startled too quickly" she stated hoarsely. "Stevie thought some training would change that, but it didn't- she's no good for droving cattle."

"Charlotte's a pretty good rider."

Tess looked over at him, dumbfounded at this reply. "She's seven years old, Nick! I shouldn't have left the girls with Meg so often. _I'm _responsible for them, I should have been there."

"But that's just not possible on a sheep and cattle farm! And even if this was some other place…you can't always be there, always protect them from everything. And anyway, how do you know that this wouldn't have happened if you-"

"It wouldn't!" It was her first emotional reply.

"Look, I don't know exactly what Jodi said and in what context, but to me, it sounded like a bad coincidence. And Jodi's not what I would necessarily call 'considerate'…"

Tess shook her head. "It doesn't matter, I…I just want to find Charlotte. And somebody should call Peter. What am I going to tell him!"

"We'll deal with that if we haven't found her till five, which I'm sure we will have. Let's move further up North, the sky's getting darker."

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"Aunty Meg?" Emily asked quietly behind her.

She turned her head while heaving a heavy piece of corrugated metal. "Go back inside the house, honey. I need you to stay there for another moment while I put this stuff away."

"Is there gonna be a tormenta, with lightning and thunder and all?"

"A thunderstorm…I don't know…" she panted. "I'm just preparing…so we won't be surprised if there is one." She shoved the corrugated sheet into the shed and fastened the door, then turned to Emily, who hadn't strayed from her side.

The little girl looked back at her with frightened eyes. "But Mummy and Daddy aren't back yet!"

Meg crouched down in front of her, taking her hands. "Don't worry, they're fine. There are shelters in many places, so if the storm surprises them out there, they'll just wait in one of them until it's over and ride back to us afterwards." She feigned a calming certainty, hiding her own concern.

"Really?"

"Really." She smiled and got back up, looking around for something loose, which might do damage. "But I want you to wait inside, it's safer."

"No, I wanna stay with you!" She didn't move a centimetre, arms crossed defiantly.

"You can't, not now. Go inside, Emily, that's my last word!" The replacement part for the old tractor was still lying around, Meg noticed. She walked over there and picked it up.

The child's lips began quivering; tears sprang to her eyes. She ran after her babysitter. "Please, Aunty Meg…I don't wanna go back there by myself, it's scary!"

Meg sighed, she simply couldn't refuse a request from Emily when she was pleading like that. "Fine, but stay close and keep- oh my God…" She gasped when she saw an all too familiar chestnut galloping towards the homestead, bridle and stirrups flying loosely. "Stay where you are, Em!"

Meg ran across the yard, past the paddock and onto the meadow, but slowed down as the horse was approaching at a rapid speed. She stretched out her arms and tried to block its way, leaving room to sidestep in case it didn't work. If only the gate to the paddock were on her side… "Whoa, Mistral! Whoa…it's alright, everything's alright…whoa…"

It didn't work, the mare was too agitated and dashed past Meg. She let her run, hoping that she would return later, since there wasn't much else she could have done on foot. There were more important things to worry about right now than a runaway horse.

Meg returned to Emily, who looked crestfallen. "That means Charlie fell down, right?"

There was no way to express this mildly, and she wasn't going to lie. "Yes, it does."

Emily should have been disappointed, but instead, a hopeful glimmer showed up in her eyes. She pointed at something behind Meg's back. "Look, that's Uncle Alex's car!"

She was right, and from the speed of it, Meg was able to guess that Alex had received the message she had left on his mailbox. He stopped right in the middle of the yard and practically jumped out. "Have you found her yet!"

She hurried towards him. "No, the others are looking for her all over the place. Terry's searching outside of Drover's and asking people to keep an eye out for her. Where have you been?"

"Fisher" he answered curtly, not wasting any time on an explanation. "Did Nick take his motorcycle?"

"No, but it isn't working. Alex, I'm worried," she lowered her voice a little, considerate of Emily, "the horse she took- it came back, alone."

Meg saw a flicker of fear cross his face, yet only for a short moment. He would not talk, but act. "Can you spare a horse?"

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Alex looked around desperately, scrutinizing the bare countryside. Where was she? Where would he have gone, supposing he could have controlled it (which he doubted in Charlotte's case)? He tried to get it straight in his mind, but was unable to figure it out: Apparently, there had been some argument or something. And Charlotte had simply taken off –on a horse- without anyone stopping her…how was that possible?

Surely, Tess had warned her about the dangers of riding somewhere on her own. It didn't make sense to him that the kid would still do something like that, since she had seemed so eager to please before, like a guest. Sure, he had done that sort of thing in his youth, usually after fights with his father, but this looked more like the spontaneous reaction of an angry, hormone-driven teenager than that of a little child. And a damn dangerous one it was.

Something had to have happened, something big. Alex was worried, and he realized how meaningless everything else suddenly seemed- that he didn't get along with her, that she was mad at him. As long as she wasn't hurt, he thought, he'd gladly take the rest of it.

Yet it scared him that this had to happen right now…after his conversation with Peter, after things were finally starting to look better. For a moment, on his way back to the car in Fisher, he had seen a real chance at reconciliation, a chance at getting a look-in to make up for his mistake. But, of course, it had all vanished with the message on his mobile. The frightening part about this was, that this sort of thing always seemed to happen to him. Whenever things were starting to look up, a huge tragedy shattered the life he had built…

Alex shook off the thought. He should not, for one minute, have assumed the worst. Charlotte was probably fine, wandering around somewhere here, trying to find her way back to the house. He'd only have to find her, and if he did, she would hear just how stupid taking off on her own had been, no matter what she thought of him.

That was what he had to make himself believe, to keep going.


	12. The Long Way Home

**Chapter Eleven**

"Charlotte!" Jodi looked around from the top of the hill, but there was no sign of a little girl. She pointed at the next, higher ridge she was unable to overview. "Let's look back there."

"Could she really be that far?"

"…on horseback? Yes!" She was annoyed by the young farmhand's questions, annoyed by their inability to find her niece, but, most of all, annoyed by her stupidity earlier. If only she had kept her mouth shut this one time…

"What if we won't find her?"

"We _are _going to find her! If not, the others will have found her."

"But, I mean, just in case…do you usually call the police?"

"This sort of thing doesn't happen every day, because _usually_, people don't leave their horses saddled and unattended!" she snapped, unnerved.

Chloe blushed and fell silent, looking the other direction. Jodi was relieved, at first, but soon felt bad for letting her anger out on the girl. This wasn't her fault, really. It wasn't she who had caused Charlotte to run away, and she hadn't been here yet when all of the stuff with Claire and Peter had happened. She didn't even know about it and yet had the decency not to ask. But something kept Jodi from muttering a real apology nonetheless.

"I mean, little children don't just take off on horses every day" she tried to tone down her remark. "Well, there haven't really been many children around in the past few years, but I guess it's unusual. And…you're not the reason she left, after all. Oh Chloe, I often left my horse out for a little while after riding when I was younger, it's no big deal. You're not supposed to, of course, but people do it. Nothing like this has ever happened to me."

She looked over at Chloe and took a deep breath. "What I mean is…it's not your fault."

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"Bloody hell…" he muttered. There she was, sitting under a tree with her knees drawn up to her chest, her head resting on her arms. "Charlotte!"

She raised her head all of a sudden and looked over at him. He got off his horse and started running towards her. "Are you hurt!" She was obviously crying, there were tears streaming down her face.

"No…go away!" A heavy weight was lifted off of Alex's mind at her harsh response, she couldn't be injured too badly. His intention of scolding Charlotte was forgotten, he was too relieved to see that she was all right, physically speaking.

He crouched down next to her and handed her a bottle of water. "Here. Small sips, don't drink too quickly."

Charlotte had stopped crying, instead, she was eyeing him with a mixture of wonder and fury reflected in her moist eyes and hesitated, but her thirst was too strong to resist. She set the bottle to her lips and quaffed the water off without taking a single breath.

"Easy…you're gonna get sick." Alex let her proceed at first, but took the bottle from her after another moment. "You can have more later." There was an awkward pause during which they just stared at each other.

"That horse threw you off…are you sure it doesn't hurt anywhere?"

She shook her head without meeting his gaze and wiped some tears off her cheeks with the back of her hand. "I'm fine. Leave me alone."

"I'm not going anywhere, whether you like it or not." He was baffled that she even preferred staying here to being taken home by him. It angered him, too, that she played that "careless" part after what had happened. "Everyone's been looking for you, for hours! Do you have any idea how worried your aunt is? What you did was very dangerous, you could have been injured badly and help doesn't arrive quickly out here! It could've taken much longer to find you!"

He stopped yelling when he saw the girl's affected look and her red, puffy eyes. "I mean…we were worried. We need to get you back to the house."

She shook her head, the corners of her mouth were twitching now. "Charlotte…" he sighed, "whatever happened, I'm sure it doesn't matter now. Everyone will just be happy to see you."

For some reason, she started sobbing again at this remark. He was a little unsure how to react, just watching her for a moment, since he didn't really know what precisely had upset her so much. Maybe she was just confused and tired now, in shock from what had happened…at least he hoped that there wasn't more to it. It pained him to see her like that, but he was at a loss of potentially helpful words. "Do you…do you maybe wanna tell me what happened?"

She shook her head. "G- go away!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that" he said softly, before sitting down beside her. There seemed to be a lot of conflicting feelings in that child, and he realized that this wouldn't be easy.

"I hate you, I hate everyone!" Charlotte cried in between sobs, stomping her foot on the ground.

He frowned. "No, you don't. You're mad, there's a huge difference there. No matter what you say, I'm not gonna leave you."

"Then why did you! Why doesn't a- anyone ever tell the truth, why does nobody ever talk about Mum…why…why didn't Daddy want me to live with him?" She buried her face in her arms again.

Alex's body stiffened. "Who said that?"

"Aunt Jodi…" she mumbled into her clothes.

That gave him a pretty good idea of what might have happened. "I'm sure she didn't mean it that way-"

"But I heard it! She said that if Mum hadn't died, he wouldn't have 'come back'. That's what she said!"

"No, that's not true…if your aunt really thinks that, she's wrong."

"Then she's mean!"

"No, she would never want to upset you, she just…" How could he come up with a good explanation for this? "You know, sometimes people say things they don't really mean because they're angry or sad, or cos they just didn't think too much about what they said. Jodi doesn't know your father very well, and I think it made her a little sad when you went to live with him, as a baby. She'd rather have had you on Drover's."

The little girl didn't look quite convinced. "You think so?"

"Yes, I do." He hoped fiercely that she couldn't tell he was lying. Secretly, deep down inside, in spite of the reconciliation, in spite of the grass that supposedly grew over events with time, Alex still felt that Peter had gotten a great deal of chances that he hadn't quite earned. He couldn't help it, he would never be friends with that man. Too many things had happened.

And still, he didn't understand how Jodi could have said such a thing in Charlotte's presence, no matter if the child had been eavesdropping or not. It was just so insensitive, so careless. This was the kind of thing you kept to yourself. Jodi had gone too far, he would definitely have a talk with her.

Charlotte had calmed down a bit. She looked over at him, and for a moment, she seemed way too old and serious for her age. "Aunty Tess said that after Mum died, she took care of me for a while, before I went to live with Dad and Julia."

"That's right, she did. Everyone thought it was best if you just stayed where you were because enough changes were happening already."

"I don't get it. Why?"

Alex scratched the back of his head. "Listen, I'm not sure if I'm the right person to explain all that to you. I do owe you an explanation for some other things, but all I know about this is that your Dad…loves you very much." It was hard to get the words out. "He really wanted you to come live with him, although your Aunt Tess was reluctant to let you go at first. But when she saw how well you two got along, and how much your sisters liked you, she knew you'd be fine there." He was quite proud of his explanation, and when he saw the slight smile on Charlotte's lips, he knew that it had been the right choice to tell her all this.

And somewhere along the way, they had slipped into an actual conversation, an almost "normal" one. In spite of the years and the events that had separated them, it was still possible to talk. It was precisely this unquestionable fact, this process of "breaking the ice", which tempted Alex to be daring. He was sick of the lies, of the extenuations, he just wanted to leave the past behind and solve what he had been running away from. "Look, Charlotte, I promise to tell you everything you want to know…I'll explain what happened…but let's first get away from here. The sky's getting darker and darker, it looks like there's a thunderstorm coming, and we should be home before that. Besides, your aunt and uncle need to know you're all right."

She shook her head forcefully. "You're just saying that so I'll come with you, and then you won't tell me anything. Everyone says 'later, when you're older'…I wanna know now! Why did you never come back, if you and Mum- why did you never come to visit me?"

His insistent, self-assured façade fell, all at once. "If you and Mum…"- how much did she know? How was he to explain, what should he say? There was no more pretence, no way to dissociate himself from her life anymore. He did matter, and maybe that was the worst thing that could have happened to him, because now, there was no way to resign himself to the situation anymore. He had mattered, once, and although a part of it had been lost due to circumstances he couldn't have influenced, he had just given the rest away. How cowardly, he could see it now.

Charlotte faced him expectantly, still with a hint of anger, but there was more to it than that- he could see hope, too. The hope that there would be some good, enormous explanation for everything that would make things appear in a new light, that would give her a glimpse at a grown-up logic she had been unable to comprehend before. And that was precisely what he lacked. He just had human failure.

"Charlotte…" he began insecurely, gazing off into the distance as if looking for a solution among the ochre hills or the dark blue clouds. "I don't know if anyone ever mentioned something like that, but when you were younger, I spent a lot of time with you. It came naturally, because your mother and I were…very good friends, and we knew each other since our childhood. After she…passed away, your Aunt Tess took care of you –it wasn't an easy time for her then- and we tried everything so you'd still have a happy childhood. Then, you went to live with your dad, but you came back for the weekend regularly and Tess and I sometimes went to see you in Fisher. After she and your Uncle Nick went to live in Argentina, you still stayed with me sometimes and I went to visit you every once in a while, until one day, I did something really stupid…"

Alex locked eyes with her, she was still listening intently. "I was pretty unhappy at that time for quite a few reasons, and those visits always made me happy, but they lasted only for a short period of time…that doesn't justify what I did, of course. It was wrong and I've regretted it for years afterwards-"

"What's _it_?" she interrupted him impatiently.

This was the turning point. He knew that he needed to let her understand why he had broken his promise, that she had a right to know the truth, but there was no way he could bring her to a simple understanding of what he had done. She was too young, and not even his own brother, an adult who probably knew him better than anyone else in the world, had understood. Sometimes, he didn't even get it himself. And he didn't want to confuse Charlotte any further. But in this case, it was either the truth or nothing.

"One day, I took you out to the zoo. We had a great time, you wanted to learn all about the animals, except for the snakes cos they scared you." A faint smile crossed his lips, but it was transient. "I was supposed to drop you off at home by five o'clock. But when we had left the zoo –you had fallen asleep in the car- instead of bringing you home, I drove on and on. I guess I wanted to spend more time with you, to make it last…Anyway, your family was worried, of course, since they didn't know where you were. I only drove you home hours later, and your father was very angry, which was his right because he hadn't known where you'd been, and something might have happened to you. After that, we thought it might be better if I didn't see you for a while, and after months had passed…I don't know, I s'pose I was too ashamed to come back and I thought you had forgotten, cos you were very young then."

She shrugged. "But couldn't you just have said 'sorry' for being late? Cos then, Dad wouldn't have been mad and you could have visited again."

"Unfortunately, things aren't that simple." He paused again, looking for the right words. She was right, it could have been easier. But Peter…it had taken so much for him to even _tolerate_ Alex now. And he couldn't blame the man, although he still was an arrogant nob in his eyes.

"But why?"

"Well…I really did need to get some stuff sorted out. I guess I was just…very sad back then, and then I did something really stupid that couldn't just be made up by a 'sorry'. And you know how when people make mistakes, they- you know what a privilege is?"

She rolled her eyes. " 'Course, Julia always says that I can only watch TV after I'm done with my homework, cos it's a _privilege_."

"Exactly, and if you do something bad, these privileges get taken away from you. Visiting you was a privilege."

"Why did you do something bad, then?"

"I…" He shook his head. "To be honest, I'm not even sure about that myself anymore. Maybe I'll have a better explanation for you someday. But listen, I want you to know that it had _nothing _to do with you that I didn't come back. I'm sorry."

She was playing with a yellow blade of grass, twisting it, all the while looking down at her fingers. "Dad said that you didn't want to come visit me."

Alex felt a sickening rage in his stomach, but forced himself to stay calm. "Maybe he thought that. I think he was worried about you and didn't want you to be sad."

"Hm." Suddenly, she faced him. "Mum and you- you were good friends? Really good friends?"

He swallowed, there was still that stab of pain every time somebody asked him that kind of question. "Yeah…yes, we were."

"And that was all?" she pressed. At this point, he was finally certain that Charlotte had overheard more than "just" the remarks about her father.

"Look, I don't know how to say this, but…no. It was more than that."

"So you guys were, like…boyfriend and girlfriend? In love?"

Her childlike bluntness made him smile for a second, in spite of the heavy weight that was attached to the question. "Yes, you could put it that way."

Her eyes widened. "So it's true! If Mum hadn't died…you and her would have gotten married." The way she said it, it sounded like an obscure thought.

"Per-"

"And then everything would have been different! You and Mum…and I…and Dad…"

He immediately reproached himself for revealing that, on top of it all. After everything that had happened today, it was only natural that she was confused and vulnerable, and he just had a way of making it worse with every word he said. He was clearly asking too much of her.

"Charlotte-"

"So that was why you came to visit me! Why didn't anyone tell me! Nobody ever said anything!"

"You were supposed to hear about it as soon as you were old enough to understand. But things were complicated enough with us as they were, and…it would have been a lot to deal with, all at once."

She didn't seem to hear him; tears had begun rolling down her cheeks once more. "When people talk about Mum, they always stop talking when they see me. And then they get this look, this look that's all sad and…I don't even remember her! Everyone does, but I don't!"

"You were too young at the time of the accident…you were only a baby, it's okay that you don't remember her."

"No, I should! She's my mum, everyone knows their mum! And now, there's all of these things, like she and you, and I didn't even know that! I don't know anything about her…it's not fair!"

His throat had gone dry, all that he could muster was a cawed "no, it's not". There seemed to be nothing else to say, no cure-all to make it better. A long time ago, he had sworn to himself to always look out for Charlotte, a promise he had broken years ago…and now, the first time she needed someone, he wasn't sure how to offer comfort. No words could improve the situation, because this was just the way things were.

"I want you to know one thing, though: Your mum loved you very, very much."

"Then why did she leave me!" she sobbed.

Alex put one arm around her, tentatively at first, half expecting her to shrug it off angrily. He was starting to get all choked up himself, trying to fight back the tears that had formed in his eyes. He had lost, grieved, rebuilt his life, loved, lost, and loved again…he was over it. And still, this little girl got to him, reminded him of the void Claire had left behind. Charlotte was only starting to mourn for her mother now, a mother she had never known. "I'm sorry, BOM…so sorry."

And then, an amazing thing happened: She didn't push him away, but actually leaned a little closer. He let her cry for a bit without his interference, regardless of how much he just wanted to make her stop.

Amazingly, the darkest of the clouds had passed without bringing a thunderstorm or even a single drop of rain. The sky looked like a grey, stringy mass, which could really precede anything from sunshine to lightning. However, the wind had revived and it seemed cooler now than before.

Alex looked back at Charlotte, whose tears were abating slowly. "Shh, it's all right…we're all here, Aunty Tess, Uncle Nick, Meg, Aunt Jodi, Stevie, me…and, most importantly, your dad and Julia. That's a whole lot of people, and we're not going anywhere."

She smiled through a veil of tears, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. "Lots of people are good, cos if something bad happens, it doesn't mean you're alone."

"Yeah."

"Alex, um, can I ask you stuff about Mum?"

"Of course you can" he answered, surprised at the question. "Why are you asking?"

"Cos I don't wanna make Aunt Tess cry again…"

"When do you think you made her cry?"

"When…when I asked her how Mum died. She told me, and later, when I went by her bedroom, she was crying. I don't want her to be sad."

"Charlotte, maybe talking about…the accident itself made her sad, but I'm sure she's got many stories to tell you about your mother, things that she would like to remember and talk about."

"Hm. But will it make you sad if I ask you?"

"No" he replied with a smile. "It won't."

"Cos, you know, I've been wondering…what was Mum like?"

"She was…" He stopped. It seemed difficult to describe Claire in a few sentences, to "summarize" her. Suddenly, he became aware that he hadn't really talked about her aside from short remarks for a long time- months, maybe even years. She had been in his thoughts, but that was it. In some way, Charlotte was right- it was a topic nobody talked about.

She looked at him expectantly, full of excitement. So he just started talking, saying whatever came to mind. "She was…independent and organized, good at leading the farm. She lived on Drover's Run all of her life and loved this piece of land- couldn't stand the city, though! She, uh, she could be pretty…stubborn and when she wanted to do something her way, she was willing to stand up for it, even if it meant putting up with the men on the farmers' council." He smirked at the memory. "She was very –what's the word?- quick-witted."

Once he had started talking, it was harder to come to an end; there were so many things to be said about Claire, too many memories for one conversation. But what astonished Alex most, was that it didn't hurt anymore. He was able to remember the good times without that inward sense of claustrophobia, without the iron fist that seemed to clutch his heart. There would always be that tinge of sadness, the awareness of the life they hadn't shared, of all that had been lost…but it wasn't unbearable anymore. Alex could smile at the old days again.

"…she didn't care too much about clothes, make-up and all that, she was more…down-to-earth, and a great rider. One of the best horse trainers I've ever met! She even managed to tame a few brumbies, and she never gave up on a horse. So, you see, although she sometimes pretended to be a tough one…she wasn't really like that."

His gaze had wondered off into the distance again, but when he looked back at Charlotte, he noticed that she had devoured every bit of information, starry-eyed. It was touching. He smiled at her.

"I like horses, too" she said, beaming all over.

"Right, you got something in common there."

For a moment, neither one of them uttered a word, until Charlotte opened her mouth again with a bit of hesitance. "You still miss her, right?"

He nodded silently. "Yeah…"

They were interrupted by the distant sound of hooves. "You hear that?" he asked. Someone from the search party had to be nearby.

And there she was, coming down the hill, speeding up to a gallop when she saw them- Stevie. Her auburn curls were flying wildly, with her hat at the nape of her neck, and she was yelling something indefinable. Alex waved, imagining how relieved she would be to see that Charlotte was all right.

She stopped almost right next to them, dismounting her horse effortlessly, and rushed to the little girl. "Is she hurt?"

"No, she's fine…right?"

Charlotte nodded timidly, watching the concerned woman, who suddenly looked taken aback, even mad. "Then what are the two of you doing, sitting under a tree like nothing happened!"

"We were just-"

"We were worried sick!" she shouted.

Charlotte blushed, muttering a quiet "I'm sorry…".

"We were just talking, Stevie, it-"

She threw him an angry glance. "Never mind that now, let's get you both home before the rain surprises us. Your aunt will be so relieved to see you." Her voice had softened, and he could clearly detect some relief and exhaustion in it now.

She helped Charlotte up. "I suppose you don't know where Mistral -the horse- went."

"No, she ran away" she mumbled full of shame.

"Don't worry, we'll find her, maybe she's already back in some paddock. You can ride on Banjo with me, he can carry the two of us. I'm not so sure about Oscar…" She eyed the old horse suspiciously and smiled at Alex, who had apparently chosen him in a hurry.

He smiled back at the woman he loved, full of amazement. And right then, under the strangest of circumstances, he knew…


	13. A Lifetime In Pictures

**Chapter Twelve**

„Hey, Tess."

She flinched slightly, turned around and gestured him inside. "Shh!"

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you…I know it's pretty late" he said quietly, noticing the two sleeping children. They were both wearing pyjamas and had wrapped themselves in blankets. Emily's head was resting in her mother's lap, while Charlotte had snuggled against the corner of the sofa that was closer to him. It was a peaceful sight.

"Sit down." She had changed into a kind of jogging suit, wearing a towel around her head in the shape of a turban. An empty tea pot was standing on the table in front of her.

"Thanks, but I just stopped by to give you something and to see if everything's alright. Did the storm do any damage?"

She sighed. "Not much…a part of the roof Nick was fixing crashed down again, so the shed's a mess, but that's it. I guess we were lucky."

"Same here, Killarney was pretty well off, too. And we were lucky we got home before it was raging too badly."

"We were." She was softly stroking Emily's blond, wavy hair, lost in thought.

"How did the girls hold up?"

"They were frightened, that's why I let them stay down here with us, although they fell asleep quickly. It was an eventful day for them."

"Oh yeah…"

They remained silent for a moment, just listening to the raindrops hitting the roof. The rhythmical sound of it let Alex feel his own exhaustion. He hadn't noticed just how tired he was up to that moment.

Tess smiled faintly. "Whenever a thunderstorm came, Claire and I'd hide under the bed with a flashlight and tell each other ghost stories…or rather, she'd tell me ghost stories. But if I got too scared, she always consoled me."

He smirked. "Sure sounds like Claire."

"Hm." She paused. "Alex, what happened between you and Charlotte out there? She was so quiet when you got back. I know she may be confused because of what Jodi said, but…something else must have happened."

"We…talked about what had been said –oh, don't look at me like that, of course I told her it wasn't true- and some other things."

"What kind of things?"

"Things related to it. What happened after Claire's death, why I…didn't come back, Claire and me-"

"Claire and you…so she knows?"

He nodded. "I thought it was best, before she hears it from somebody else."

"Right." She seemed relieved. "I'm glad you sorted that out."

"Yeah, but…I'm also worried, Tess" he confessed, lowering his voice. "We talked about Claire a lot, and she was very disturbed by the fact that she doesn't have a mum, that she can't even remember her. Do you by chance know how her relationship with Julia is?"

"It's good, as far as I know. When you watch them, Julia is always very affectionate with her, and she responds to it. I've kept an eye on that, since, you know, it was my greatest concern initially. Charlotte told me about a lot of things they do together, sometimes just the two of them, because the older girls have different interests. It really seems like she treats the three kids equally. She's a nice woman, Alex, and Charlotte loves her; she talks about her a lot."

He was glad to hear that. Although it was hard to picture _Julia_, the friendly woman who had gotten that unfaithful, lying bloke Peter as a husband, mistreating a child, you could never be sure. People could act strangely when they were frustrated. And who would have wanted to trade places with her…

"Still, let's leave Julia aside…you should've seen her out there, she was so…distraught, and that wasn't just because of what she overheard."

A crease of worry formed on Tess's forehead. Her gaze wandered over to the seven-year-old, who was still slumbering peacefully. "Yes, I've been wondering…I think we should try to integrate her more, to make her feel like she belongs here just as much as everybody else."

"That couldn't hurt, but I think it's more than that. She's got so many questions about her mum. Tess, haven't you noticed that…Claire has become a bit of a taboo subject, especially since Charlotte is around?"

Tess raised her eyebrows. "Well, that's because I didn't want her to feel awkward or…pressured in some way. I thought that if she had questions, she'd come to me with it. But I never made her feel that she couldn't address the subject…not…consciously, at least…" She grew increasingly insecure the more she thought about it.

"I don't know, I'm not a shrink or something, but maybe we should just try to be more…_natural _about it. I think she likes to hear stories about her mum."

"Yeah…maybe you're right" she answered slowly, full of wonder. "Alex Ryan, when did you actually turn sensitive?"

"Oh, you know, I've always been…this is just the wisdom of age coming through" he replied with a whimsical smile.

She shook her head. "You're full of surprises."

"Yeah, like a huge Christmas box…" he answered sarcastically. "In any case, I should better get going now. It's almost a miracle that the kids slept through our whole conversation."

"Hey, I thought you got something for me?"

"Oh, right, I almost forgot what I was here for. It isn't for you, though, sorry, but for Charlotte." He fumbled for something in the large pockets of his jacket, something which had formed a big bulge, and finally pulled out a framed photograph.

After cleaning the glass with his sleeve, wiping off a few grains of sand with unnecessary caution, he handed it to Tess. "I want her to have this."

As she laid eyes on the picture, her expression softened, and she gently stroked it with her thumb. "I had completely forgotten about this one."

"You never had it. It was on my film. I think Claire was the only other person who saw it, but I forgot to get her another print before…" He took a deep breath. "Anyway, I think Charlotte should have it."

"Oh Alex" she whispered, deeply moved, "are you sure you don't want to keep it? I can give her another one-"

"No, please, take it. You can give it to her tomorrow." He said it quickly, to make sure he didn't change his mind. This picture meant a lot to him, it had been his secret companion for many years. He wasn't even sure why he had kept it inside a drawer instead of situating it for everyone to see- after Claire's death, it had suddenly seemed too painful, too intimate to share, although it didn't show anything spectacular. Only he knew that this had been taken at _the _moment, the moment he had realized that he never, ever wanted to let them go.

"It's beautiful…" Tess smiled at him, but he could see that she was at the verge of tears. "Thank you, I'm sure she'll love it."

Alex nodded, unable to speak for the moment.

She sighed, looking at the picture nostalgically. "Whatever happened to those dreams of all of us growing old here together?"

"Life."

"Life…" She cleared her throat. "Well, I'll tell Nick you were here. He's in bed already because he wasn't feeling too well after we got back…it's his leg."

"Has he been to a doctor yet?"

"I made him go right before Christmas, he said that it's normal for old injuries to hurt more and less, depending on the circumstances. There's no infection or anything, it's the internal scars."

"Well, you tell him to take it easy over the next few days. And if you need help with that shed-"

"Thanks, but we got it."

"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Bye!" Tess moved over a little to look after him as he tiptoed out the door, which caused Emily to stir. She opened her eyes with an indefinable moaning sound and mumbled something incomprehensible, reaching out for her mother.

As soon as she noticed who was standing by the door, though, she was wide awake. "Uncle Alex!"

"Shh…" He put his index finger to his lips, grinning. How had he ever earned that kid's adoration?

She ran over to him and hugged him around the waist, which finally awoke Charlotte, too. She rubbed her eyes and looked around with a sleepy expression on her face. Tess moved next to her and lovingly pushed back a few strands of hair, which had been hanging into her face. "Feeling better?"

Her niece nodded, stifling a yawn. "What's that?" she asked, having spotted the photograph, which was lying on the table.

"It's a picture Alex brought for you."

Charlotte grabbed it; her face lit up when she saw what it showed. "That's Mum!"

Tess put an arm around her. "Yes, and that tiny little girl there would be you."

"She's pretty…I look like I don't care about the ducks."

"Aw, no, you look cute."

"Can I see?" Emily asked curiously, walking back to her mother and cousin again.

Tess nodded, reaching out for her with the other arm. Her daughter scrambled onto her lap, and started studying the picture doubtfully. "_That's _Charlie?"

"She was only a baby then, honey."

"And that's Aunty Claire, right?"

"Yes, the one who gave you your middle name."

Alex was watching the scene in silence. Charlotte was still beaming at the picture without saying a word, unable to draw her eyes away from it, and that finally assured him that it had been right to give it to her. Besides, he knew the picture so well that he could conjure it up in front of his inner eye any time: Claire was standing by a pond, holding her daughter, and pointing at a group of ducks, trying to arouse her little girl's interest. BOM seemed indifferent to it; examining her mother's shiny gold necklace instead.

Finally, a much older Charlotte did look up, smiling. "Thank you, Alex."

He acknowledged it with a nod. "That picture was taken in Melbourne; we went to the park together and all the while, Claire- your mum showed you different animals. The policemen's horses, 'birdies', 'duckies'…the one time we went to the city, and she was only interested in animals."

Tess and Charlotte smirked, but Emily didn't really understand it. "What's wrong with horses?"

"Nothing, sweetie" he chuckled. "Nothing at all."


	14. Growing Up

**Chapter Thirteen**

Jodi was staring at the thing in her hands, utterly bushed. What could it possibly be for? She turned the heavy metal ring, pressed down the lever attached to it, but it pretty much looked the same from all sides- familiar, though! Someone had used this, to fix something…but what? She couldn't put her finger on it.

„Stevie?"

„What?" She peeked around the corner of the shed. There were pearls of sweat on her forehead, a few loose curls were sticking to her face and she had smeared some dirt on her temple.

And it was only around two p.m., Jodi reckoned. They still had hours of work ahead of them. "Where does this…metal-thingy go?"

"Jodi, that's an emergency replacement device for the new water pump, you use it to adjust a smaller tube to it, if the big one's damaged" Stevie explained, little amused by Jodi's ignorance.

The younger woman rolled her eyes. "How could I not know, since we use this thing every day! Besides, you don't even know what it's called."

"Why, that's a…a ring-adapter-thing." She shrugged, unable to hide her smirk. "Just put it back there, where the pump is."

"Righto." She walked over to the provisional stack of cardboard boxes, looking for the right one. "You know, I have no idea how we could manage without Tess, Regan _and _Kate. We really need more workers, qualified workers. It's gonna take us forever to get that shed fixed and organized, and then there's the cattle auction this weekend..."

"Sure, if you find someone who'll work for free from dawn till dusk, don't hesitate to employ them. I agree, Jodi, but you know our financial situation...hey, there's Tess and Chloe! Finally!" She waved at them from a distance, and Jodi joined in for a moment.

"Yeah" she sighed, crouching down to grub in the dirt for more utensils which might have been scattered. "I think we're pretty much done with this, let's grab the bigger chunks of wood."

"I need to go change Mistral's compress first, she foundered a little this morning. You can get started on the smaller sheets of corrugated iron."

Jodi nodded, complaints wouldn't help here, no matter how much her back ached. This work needed to be done sooner or later. At least the sky was still clouded, so she would be spared a sunburn this time. While Stevie left the shed-ruin, she took a big gulp out of her water bottle, stretched her upper body, and bent back down again to pull a broken board of wood out of the rubble. "Here we go…"

"How far did you get?" Tess asked down from her horse.

"Um, we're done with the yard and the closer paddocks, the windmill wasn't damaged, and we re-sorted the stuff that was still useable from here. As soon as the debris is removed, we can start fixing the shed. You?"

"We did the boundary check, a part of the fence out on Skinny Jim's is broken and some of the cattle got through, so we had to get them back and drove them down onto Jack's Folly."

"Just the two of you?" Jodi was impressed, this wasn't easy, especially if one of the cattle drovers was to be Chloe.

"Yes, that's why it took us so long."

"No wonder. I'll fix the fence later."

"No, Chloe will get onto that. She knows how to do it by now" Tess stated confidently, turning to the young woman. "Take the Ute, it's quicker."

"I will."

"Uh…okay" Jodi muttered, slightly irritated. Something about her sister's voice and the way she looked at her was icy, as if a strange, cool politeness had to be maintained in order to retain a sort of ceasefire. This was getting awkward. She knew that they would have to talk about what happened sometime, but was afraid of the reproaches she was certain to hear. Yet it was far worse that it stood between them as an unacknowledged bomb that was sure to explode sooner or later. This artificial friendliness was worse than any accusations could have been. At that moment, Jodi wished that Tess would just yell at her and get it over with.

Chloe looked back and forth between the two women, clearly sensing the tension. "I should…go unsaddle Bonnie and get started on that fence." She dismounted the mare and led her out of hearing range quickly.

Tess got off her horse, too, and observed the shed in silence, one hand stemmed to her hip.

"I think we should re-do the basis of the roof, too, instead of just fixing the holes" Jodi suggested with an enthusiasm that came across just a bit too cheerful to be heartfelt. "It's gonna cost more, but we'll have a lot less trouble with it. That wood looks decayed and if it is, the whole roof could come crashing down anytime."

"No, that's not going to happen, it's well supported. And we don't have time to re-do it, a new delivery of drench agent is going to be here on Friday. We have no room to store that stuff anywhere else. Besides, there's the auction on Saturday-"

"Oh, so we're definitely going?"

"You, Stevie and Chloe are- help me here." Tess heaved up a large corrugated sheet.

Jodi grabbed the other end of it and together, they moved it out of the way.

"I have to catch up on some paperwork and…go through the books" she added. "Nick's got an appointment with a doctor in Fisher, and somebody has to watch the kids."

"What about Mum?"

"She'll take the day off."

"Well, you really haven't been to a cattle auction in a long time, and if you wanna go…" Jodi hesitated, studying her sister's poker face. She just wanted to be nice, but wasn't sure how Tess would react to her idea. "I could stay here, take care of the paperwork and watch the girls."

"That's an interesting suggestion, coming from you" Tess replied harshly.

'Well done, Jodi' she thought to herself. Of course she had once again chosen the wrong thing to say. Why did this always happen to her? "Tess, listen, about yesterday…I really had no idea that Charlotte was able to hear my conversation with Mum. It wasn't meant for her ears, she was outside playing. Look, I am so sorry about what happened, I wish I hadn't-"

"Then why _did_ you say it?" Suddenly, the poker face had disappeared. A mixture of anger and disappointment was reflected in her eyes, and it was the disappointment that really got to Jodi. "Why couldn't you, for once, keep something like that to yourself? Is it that hard!"

"I didn't think that much about it, it was just…one of those comments you make during the day and forget about later!" She run her fingers through her hair in a scatterbrained manner. "Again, I'm sorry, but how could I have known that she was listening?"

"You could have kept an eye on her! And why are you apologizing to _me_, anyway?"

"I don't know, you've always been the…responsible one. And you were so worried, not that I wasn't, I was…I was, because you see, she's my niece, too."

"Then start acting like it!" Tess shouted. "You're not a teenager anymore, Jodi, you are 26 years old! Talk to Charlotte about it, do something…start takingresponsibility!"

Jodi swallowed. "Yeah, I…um…I should have…" She felt horrible. It wasn't like Tess to lash out at others like that, so if she did, someone had to have acted really stupid. And she did have a point there: Jodi hadn't been much of an aunt for either one of her nieces. The idea of it had been so strange to her, being "Aunt Jodi"…weird thought.

It occurred to her that she hadn't been much of a substitute leader for Drover's Run, either. Sure, theoretically, she and Stevie had agreed to an "equal status", but Stevie had pushed through all of the big ideas. Jodi was a part-owner, but not a decision-maker, a relative, but not a present aunt. She wasn't somebody's wife or mother, either, and there really were no great accomplishments worth mentioning in her life. She was just Jodi.

Apparently, Tess had vented off her anger. She was looking at her sister with an expression of discontentment and annoyance, confused by her meek stuttering. Jodi tried to steady her voice, to seem more proud, but that didn't quite work out as planned. "You know…you're right. But I'm not you, Tess. I'm the illegitimate McLeod."

She turned around and walked away, before her sister could say anything else.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Stevie?"

"Hm?"

"Are you awake?"

"No, I'm talking in my sleep" she mumbled into her pillow. "Just ignore it."

He chuckled. "Alright. Good night."

"'night."

The room fell silent again, the only audible sound being the calm, steady breathing of its two occupants. Alex stared up into the darkness, then out the window at the half moon, wondering how many hours were to remain until the first shimmer of sunlight would finally light up the horizon. He was wide-awake, too excited by his resolution to let his mind rest. It was perfect, no doubt about it, it had to be. He had spent too many hours, too many years questioning his intuition, had become too careful to believe that long-term happiness was possible. And yet he couldn't resist jumping into it again, it could be different this time, and even if it wasn't - short-term felicity was well worth it. All this had occurred to him in one single moment. Although the idea of it had to have been there before, it had just hit him out there. But he had to be cautious, let it grow…take one step at a time.

When he shifted for the thousandth time, trying to find a comfortable position, Stevie suddenly sat up, pulling the light sheet up to her armpits. "Okay, I'm listening, but it better be important!"

"Never mind, it's not urgent, we can talk about it tomorrow."

She looked at him, able to see his facial expression in the dimly lit room, and something about that complacent smile of his made her curious. "No, you might as well…I couldn't go back to sleep now anyway."

Alex just got carried away by the moment, too carried away to listen. The moon let Stevie look pale, but she was still beautiful, in that serene, mysterious way. Her untamed curls fell onto her bare shoulders loosely, her brown eyes were glistening and the milky light made her skin shimmer in a bluish tone. And then, there was that look, that piercing look…it was definitely sexy. Alright, time to focus. What had he been about to say again?

Stevie smirked, brushing a strand of hair out of her face self-consciously. "What?"

He sat up, too, looking at her more seriously. "Do you realize how much money we're spending on gas just to drive back and forth between Drover's Run and Killarney all day long?"

She laughed incredulously. "What? And that's so damn urgent that you have to tell me about it in the middle of the night?"

"Well, it's expensive…and we're polluting the environment."

"Right. I'm glad you got that out of your system."

"And wasn't it strange for you to move back into the cottage, after having lived in the homestead for so long? It was all Jodi's place, and now everything's changed…"

"Go ahead, rub it in-"

"Sorry, but the cottage really _is _a lot smaller."

"I like it. It's got a personal touch to it, and I don't have to share it with anyone."

"Yeah…" His smile faded all of a sudden. "Sure, but…not sharing it…I mean…you can get lonely sometimes, right?"

If Stevie had a remote sense of what he might be hinting at, she pushed the thought aside quickly. Everything seemed to come so out of the blue. She was confused and tired, and it was just way too late at night for this kind of conversation. This was probably just the incoherent rambling of an insomniac. Alex was making no sense at all, and it annoyed her. "Look, we both have to get up early tomorrow -which is actually today- so get to the point. Are we talking about pollution here, or money, different living circumstances, or…?"

"Shh." He put a finger to her lips, shushing her. "Just listen. I know that we haven't really talked about it before, and it's a big thing, but I was wondering if maybe…if maybe you wanted to come live with me…on Killarney."

He tried to find a positive or negative emotional reaction in her face, but she just looked at him with this baffled, speechless expression of surprise. There was no overt excitement, no romance about the moment, it just was what it was- a question about a clear direction.

But to Alex, the moment seemed to drag. He felt obliged to explain himself. "Cos everytime you're there, it just feels so right, and when you're not…I miss you. And I wish I was the kind of person who could put this into fancy words, but, you know, I love you."

Her lips curled up to the hint of a smile, and she shook her head, looking at him warmly. He didn't quite know what to make of it.

"So what do you say? You don't need to answer right away, but…" he grinned, "well, it would be nice to know what side you're on."

"Have you really thought this through?"

"I thought it through, and when I was done, I started all over again. Believe me, I know what I'm saying."

Stevie nodded. "Okay."

Alex felt his heart racing with excitement. "Is that an 'okay' as in 'okay, whatever you say', or as in 'okay, I do want to move in with you'?"

She chuckled, beaming happily. "Both, did you think I'd say no?"

It took him a moment to realize the impact of her words, but when he did, he was filled by a surge of joy. "That's great...oh yeah, that's great!"

He pulled her into a vehement embrace, which made her laugh. "But just because of those benefits you pointed out! I'm sure it'll do a great deal against, you know…global _pollution_ and-"

Alex silenced her with a kiss, which grew more intense as her giddy excitement was replaced by overwhelming happiness. Neither one of them wasted another thought on sleep.


	15. A Friend's Helping Hand

**Chapter Fourteen**

„It'll be here around three, then? Aright, thank you. Bye." Tess hung up the phone and grabbed a pen to write down the appointment. Naturally, it didn't work and the only other writing utensil on the desk was her father's expensive fountain pen, which she knew to be empty. One more thing to be added to the shopping list: ink and cheap ballpoint pens. And she would have written it down, had there been something to write with around. This had to be the true irony of everyday life.

She got up to check on the shelf, shuffling through layers of paper –this mess definitely needed to be cleaned up- when Stevie knocked on the open door. "'Morning, Tess!" she chirped with unusual cheerfulness.

"Good morning…you're very late."

"I know, sorry."

"Well, you can't be that sorry, since you're beaming like a kid who's opening birthday presents. What happened, were you held up on Killarney?" Tess asked with a smirk, still concentrating on her search for a pen.

"Something like that." Stevie smiled wistfully and approached her, with her hands joined behind her back. "I've got some news, though."

"And what would that be?"

"Could you…stop rummaging around for a moment?"

Tess laid down the papers and turned to her friend, quite surprised. This had to be important. "I'm listening."

"I'm gonna move away from Drover's Run."

She gasped. "What?" Had she just heard that correctly? This had to be a misunderstanding. How could Stevie just stand there, with this big grin on her face, and announce something like that without a warning? She couldn't leave; this was her home, where she belonged, and she wouldn't just go without even talking to her about it before. And what about poor Alex? Unless he were leaving, too, of course, but Tess could hardly imagine that. On the other hand, Stevie wouldn't be so happy if there weren't a good reason for her departure, which meant good news. But still, she was a part-owner of Drover's Run, she and Jodi had led the farm for the past four years, and she had loved it. It made no sense. Alarming thoughts kept rushing through Tess's mind at a horrendous speed. "But why? When? How…since when…did I miss something!"

"I'm gonna move away from here…" Stevie repeated, inserting a dramatic pause, "…and move into Killarney."

This was not what she had expected. When the words had sunk in, a wide smile spread across Tess's face. "Oh Stevie, that's wonderful!"

"Alex and I are gonna live together." She was still beaming all over.

Tess hugged her. "Congratulations, I'm so happy for both of you!"

"Thanks. Yeah, weird thought…me on Killarney."

"Not at all. You and Alex living together sounds perfect to me" she replied reassuringly.

Stevie raised her shoulders, looking out the window past her friend. "I'm happy, I really am…it's just…a strange thought. This house…it's like walking in the footsteps of Harry and Sandra, ya know?"

"Yeah, you and Sandra are so alike…"

"Thanks, that makes me feel better." She leaned against the desk, shaking her head. "I mean you know I'm not a superstitious person –at all- but have you ever thought about what happened in that house? Harry and Sandra – failed, Harry's first marriage – failed, Alex and Fiona – failed, and then all that stuff about Harry not being Alex's biological father. That place has always been full of secrets and lies."

Tess smiled compassionately. "It's just a house, Stevie, nothing more. It doesn't mean anything. And if you really don't want to live there-"

"No, I do, Killarney has a nice homestead and Alex wouldn't wanna leave the farm, he loves that land. It's just…you know what Harry always used to say. About me not fitting into that world. I always thought he was an old, bitter idiot –hell, he'd turn over in his grave if he knew I was moving in there- but maybe he was right."

"And maybe he really was just a bitter old nob. Listen, Stevie, you've got nothing to worry about. Alex loves you."

Stevie nodded, a slight smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "Yeah. I guess you're-"

At that moment, Jodi entered the room with a coil of filament in her gloved hand. "The fence broke, _again_" she remarked gravely. "Hi, Stevie. Apparently, the wire wasn't taut enough. Now I wonder why that is." She threw a brief glance at her sister. "I'll get onto it straight away. See you later."

She turned around and left as quickly as she had come, and Tess suddenly seemed to be very concerned with the documents on the shelf. Stevie looked at her inquiringly, waiting for an explanation. When none came, she cleared her throat audibly. "Okay, are you gonna tell me what happened or should I just get my gun and join in?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Oh, come on! She looked at you like she was gonna kill you or something."

"I sent Chloe out to fix the fence, although Jodi had offered to do it. Apparently, Chloe made a mistake; these things do happen. Jodi's angry because she'll have to re-do it. End of story."

"If you say so. It's none of my business anyway." She was reluctant to poke around any further, but didn't leave, either. Something was clearly bothering Tess, it was easy to tell from her clumsy way of handling the papers and the agitated expression on her face.

"Damn it!"

Stevie wasn't surprised at all when a whole stack of sheets dropped to the floor, but Tess's enervated reaction gave her true feelings away. "Here, I'll get that."

"Thanks."

She helped her gather the documents again, sorting them as far as possible. "You blamed her for what happened, didn't you?"

"Stevie, I thought you said-"

"Yeah, you're right, but it's not that hard to guess. You're always like that when you feel guilty."

"Now what's that supposed to mean?" Tess asked in a defensive tone. She didn't like the direction this was going.

"Nothing" Stevie sighed. "Tess, you're always telling me to _talk_ about that sort of thing. Maybe you should just follow your own advice- whatever happened, sort things out with Jodi. And keep me out of it. What are we looking for, anyway?"

"A pen" she muttered absent-mindedly.

Stevie had a point there, but she didn't know how complicated the situation was. This wasn't just an "I'm sorry"-"it's okay", an "I'm wrong"-"you're right" thing. It wasn't even mainly about Charlotte taking off on a horse anymore. Tess wasn't even sure what the problem was herself. She had just been so angry - angry at Jodi for saying things she had forced herself not to say, for her lack of self-restraint and consideration, at herself for not talking to Charlotte about those things in advance, before such a situation could have occurred, for handing the kids off to Meg all the time, for being unable to instil some sense of stability and happiness into her family. It just never seemed to work out, not with her parents, not with Jodi, not with Charlotte, not with Claire at first (and they had lost so many years) - not even with Nick, who seemed so estranged to her at times.

At some point, she just had to wonder - was it her fault? Had she initiated that instability by going away from Drover's Run, first as a child and later again, as an adult? All threads appeared to run through Tess, it was her job to keep them together. Which was precisely what she hadn't done.

And here was Jodi - young, vivacious Jodi, who still hadn't got used to the idea of being a part of this family, but who didn't worry about the responsibilities that came with it, either. She could afford to be lively, to go to town festivals, parties and whatnot, to speak her mind and let someone else pour oil on troubled waters for her. And yet, she had grown into her role more, done paperwork, coordinated shears, even pushed a few issues through at the farmer's council, as Tess had just found out. She just hadn't become exhausted, or overly serious.

Moreover, she still didn't _act _like someone who was in charge. Tess didn't understand it. Not that she wanted Jodi to change, she wanted…what precisely did she want? To share more? And how much could she expect after being gone for such a long time? Sometimes, she just wished for a "normal" family, one without secrets, custody fights, extramarital children, divorces or affairs and resulting half-relatives, or cousins who had been lost and found, and lost again. Things weren't supposed to be this way, too many people had been hurt already. And she wished she could have told her father all that. If he hadn't…no, it made no sense to ponder about what-if.

"Here you go." Stevie had found a pencil on the floor, next to the waste bin, and handed it to her.

"Thanks." Tess had to think for a moment before remembering what she had needed it for initially, and wrote down the appointment into the large calendar. "You know, Jodi really was pretty insensitive."

"How could she have been sensitive to Charlotte's feelings if she didn't know that she was listening - eavesdropping, as far as I know?"

"She could have been more careful. It's about time she grows up and learns to take responsibility. And what she said-"

"What she said…" Stevie rolled her eyes. "Between you and me, Tess, wasn't that what all of us were thinking?"

"No, I neverwould have left Charlotte with Peter if I hadn't known she would have a nice, stable home there!" Tess exclaimed with sudden enragement. "I know you never agreed with it, but Charlotte loves her Dad, and her sisters – _and_ Julia! And that shows me that it was right. It was right, I didn't let her down, I didn't just…abandon her."

Stevie was surprised at such an outbreak of emotion. "I...didn't say that." And suddenly, she began to understand. "Is that what this is all about?"

Tess didn't respond. Her throat suddenly felt so tight that she was certain a sob would escape her mouth if she opened it. She tried to straighten her posture and take a deep breath, but her quivering lips betrayed her.

Stevie came to her side and put an arm around her. She could imagine so well what her friend was going through, too well…it affected her. She couldn't help thinking about Rose and she knew that there was nothing she could do to help Tess, the feeling of guilt would never lessen. "No, Tess, you didn't let her down. She's got a great home, you don't need to worry about that. But you have to realize that by going to Argentina…well…you sacrificed a closer relationship you could have had with her. But listen, it's not too late to build that relationship. You can still be her cool Aunty Tess, and I think you are already."

Tess swallowed. "It's just that when she was out there…I was so scared, Stevie. If something had happened to her…if something ever happens to her…" She shook her head, biting her lip.

"Hey, who says that something's gonna happen to her? Not something like…that, anyway. Because obviously, she's gonna have bad experiences in life, too, and you can't protect her from everything. You just can't.."

"But I promised…" Her eyes shone with unshed tears. "I promised I would."

"And you're doing your best. It's all you can do."

For a while, they just stood there like that, with Stevie comforting her friend. When Tess finally looked at her watch, it was after half past nine. There was still so much work to be done, but first of all, as a top priority, she needed to sort something out. "I really should go talk to Jodi. I said some things I shouldn't have, and I think it really…hurt her."

Stevie smiled contentedly. "You go do that. I'll get onto the shed."

Tess walked out of the room, determined to find Jodi right away, but turned around once more, smiling. "And I really am happy for you and Alex."

"Thank you."

On the veranda, Tess ran into her husband, who was just coming back from an appointment with his cardiologist. "Hi!"

He kissed her as a greeting, and his pleased expression relieved her worries. "What did the doctor say?"

"No change, this heart works properly at the moment" he replied with one hand on his chest.

"Did you tell him about your plans for the farm?" she asked sternly.

"I did…and of course he'd rather see me not doing anything at all, but when I asked specific questions, it became clear that these things don't really have much of an influence on my condition. If something should happen, it will, no matter what I do."

As always, Tess became serious and gloomier when they were talking about the subject. Over the years, they both had more or less accepted the heart disease as a part of their life, but while Nick had slowly adopted a relaxed, sometimes even self-deprecating tone when mentioning it, Tess just couldn't. It was too dangerous, the fear of loosing him too great. "Just be careful, please. Don't overwork yourself, and try to employ others as soon as possible."

"Don't worry, Tess. I'll watch out, and the Kneales' tenancy won't be terminated before the winter, anyway, to give them some time to find another place. Alex and I agreed on that. So there's almost half a year left to prepare everything." He studied her lovely face, looking for an answer to his question. "But…if you're not comfortable with it…I could try to find a job in town instead. You see, I can't work on Killarney anymore, I just can't…but an office job would be fine, I do have some qualifications. I don't want Wilgul to stand between us-"

"Nick, it's your dream. I understand that. I want you to be happy, and I want us to be happy and have a family life. And why should it be impossible to have both? I think we can work it out."

"Are you sure?"

She smiled, laid her arms around his neck, stood up on her toes and kissed him lightly. "Yes. Go for it."

"Thank you." Nick put his arms around her back and drew her closer, kissing her again, longer than before. "You're the best wifey any man could wish for" he remarked with a chuckle.

"Hey, careful, I might change my mind." She broke away from him with a sigh. "But now I really do need to go and find Jodi."

"I'll get started on the shed."

"Oh no, you don't need to, Stevie's doing it."

"Tess, you don't need to give me a break from having a break, my leg's fine, my heart's fine…I'm fine."

"I'm not 'giving you a break', I just think you should spend some time with the kids. Emily keeps asking about you, and it's been a few days since I last gave them a riding lesson…although I'm not sure if Charlotte wants that right now, you might wanna be careful there."

"Riding lessons…sure, I haven't done that in a while, but I should manage."

Tess smiled, glad to have found a less obvious way to make him take things easy. It could be quite difficult sometimes.


	16. Ties Rediscovered

**Chapter Fifteen**

"Hey, Jodi." Tess had already been able to spot her sister from far away, bent over the fence with a wire cutter in her hands, her hat pulled deeply into her face to shield it from the blazing sun. "Let me give you a hand."

"No thanks, right now, I'm just removing the old wire anyway…there's not much you can do" she answered without looking up.

"Careful, it might snatch back." She watched Jodi with concern, as she kept pressing the cutter forcefully, tugging at the filament. "Jodi!"

The younger woman turned around, wiping her forehead with her elbow. "Look, I may not know a lot of stuff about a lot of things, but I do know how to cut a wire" she snapped aggressively.

Tess was bemused by Jodi's reaction, but grabbed a pincer nonetheless and took hold of the filament, pulling it into her sister's direction to take some of the fixture out of it. When the wire had been cut, Jodi crouched down to remove the rest, which had been attached to the pole in an incautious, hurried manner.

Tess picked up the coil and waited, leaning against the bonnet of the Ute. It could be so difficult to find the right words. "Jodi, about yesterday…I said some things that I really shouldn't have said. I was worried about Charlotte and I felt responsible because it was my job to take care of her, which I didn't do; and I know it's no excuse, but I was tired from the cattle drive, the storm, the search and all that, all of us were…I shouldn't have let it out on you, though. I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"Oh yes, Tess, you did." She stopped working and stood up straight, facing her with a deadpan expression. "You meant every word of it."

Suddenly, the lively little sister didn't seem so jovial anymore. She was a serious, confident adult, who was calmly stating her point of view. And it was precisely this, which tripped Tess up. "Well…I exaggerated, clearly." She was still looking for words, words which would show Jodi that she saw her as an equal partner, not as "funny little Jodi". "It wasn't your fault that Charlotte ran away, and no, you couldn't have known that she was listening, I admit it. I was mad at everyone and everything, and I did let it out on you. But…"

"But?" Jodi asked curiously, when no reply came.

"I think it would be helpful if you actually started acting –and feeling, probably- not just like a part-owner of Drover's Run, but also like a member of the family" she remarked carefully.

Jodi's confidence had already begun to crumble visibly. "And...what exactly am I supposed to do about that?"

Tess took one step towards her. "Look, I know you and I never really had much time to be…sisterly. You didn't get to spend a lot of time with your nieces either, what with Argentina, the rift between Peter and Alex, and so on. But, you know, there's one thing that I've always been…jealous of…"

"What?"

Tess smiled. "Is it that hard to guess? You grew up here, Jodi, and in many ways, this is much more a part of you because of that. I knew our father from some faint childhood memories and a picture that my mother had, you were his 'princess', although you may not have had a father-daughter relationship. When I first came here, I was so jealous of the relationship you and Claire had…although she did boss you around quite a lot."

"Yeah, but I deserved it…" Jodi smiled at the memory, but a deeper pain was reflected in her eyes. "I wish I could've talked to her after…I wish I'd known sooner."

"Me too. But, you see, we still have each other…and Nick, Emily, Charlotte, Meg and the rest of the crowd. So what do you say? Sisters?"

"Sure. I mean it's kinda hard to get out of it" she joked.

They shook hands, and Tess embraced her. "And please, get that 'illegitimate child', '_half_-sister' stuff out of your head. It doesn't make a difference. And who can keep track of all of those complicated relations in our family anyway?"

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"Tell me again, why are we doing this?" Nick asked, about to put an old cup into the cardboard box, when Alex snatched it from him.

"To make room for Stevie's things – and that stays!"

"Alex, that's a sports award from 7th grade! Do you honestly want to keep that in your _bedroom_? It's pretty wimpy, you know…"

"Don't you remember? That was the first award I ever got, mate! Dad took us out to Fisher to celebrate it."

"Alright, but believe me…if Stevie sees this, she's gonna laugh….how much stuff can she have anyway?"

"Oh, women got loads of stuff. I mean you think they're done unpacking, but then they tell you that that was just their clothes. They have an extra bag for their cosmetics. And then they start taking out all of those little flasks with labels on them that me and you couldn't even pronounce!"

Nick shook his head doubtfully. "Stevie doesn't seem like that kind of woman."

"Well, you never know…and with women, it's always better to be prepared for anything. Besides, I want the room to look nice, you know, so everything leaves a good first impression on her."

"But Stevie's seen your bedroom a thousand times before! Well, that's what I thought, at least…but I guess I was wrong" he remarked with a unambiguous grin.

"Oh right, stop it, will ya?" He threw a pillow at his annoying little brother. Although he had to admit that he had missed those conversations with him – even the little rivalries and the mocking part. Actually, it was precisely these parts he had missed the most.

"Hey, why are you so nervous?"

"I'm not, I just…I really want things to work out this time." Alex took the cup, and put it into the box with a heavy heart.

"Don't worry, with Stevie, they will. I mean you've known each other for so long…" Nick took the prize out again and handed it back to his brother. "And if something goes wrong, it won't be because of a school award."

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"Emily! Charlotte!"

They didn't react to her call, too lost in their play to listen. Tess walked over to the stables, where they were sitting on the ground. "Come on, girls, it's time for dinner. Wash your hands and help Aunt Meg set the table, please."

"But the caves aren't done yet, Mummy."

"Which caves?"

"The ones for the animals" Charlotte elaborated, pointing at small heaps of grass and twigs. Apparently, they had bent a few sticks and stuck them into the earth to create several cupolas, which had then been covered in herbage. "When they're finished, mice and other little animals can come live in them."

"That's lovely" Tess replied. She couldn't help noticing the dirt stains on the girls' clothes, but forced herself to see the retreats from a child's point of view: they were a nice idea – and, fortunately, completely ineffective. If there was one thing she didn't want on Drover's, it was more mice. "But you can finish them tomorrow."

"Please, just a little longer…I'm not hungry!" Emily affirmed.

Charlotte looked up at her aunt enquiringly, not daring to object to her orders. She had become more hesitant with these matters after running away, probing whether the adults were mad at her.

Tess shook her head sternly. "Not this time, Meg cooked something complicated tonight, she spent a really long time in the kitchen, and you can at least try it. Besides, I have a surprise for you that I was gonna tell you about after dinner…"

"What is it?"

"_After _dinner, Em" she repeated with a smile. "Unless of course you wash your hands really quickly and start setting the table, then we'll have some time left."

Emily jumped up and started running towards the house. "I'm faster!"

"Nuh-uh!" Charlotte raced after her cousin. "Hey, you cheated…that's so unfair!"

Tess took her time to walk back to the house, enjoying the softer sun of the evening. The kids were getting too good at this whole negotiation-thing, especially Emily. They always managed to talk her in or out of things. She would have to be careful not to lose her credibility, and with it, her authority. On the other hand, it really was difficult to refuse something to them…

In the kitchen, Meg was busy doing the first dishes, occasionally walking back to the pots to stir. She looked a little stressed out, but seemed to be enjoying herself overall.

"Smells good" Tess commented, taking off her hat. "What's it called again?"

"Chicken Kozhambu; Jodi persuaded me to make it. You know how interested she is in India. But I doubt that the kids will like it."

"Oh, I think they will."

Meg smirked. "Tess, children and foreign looking, foreign sounding, smelling and tasting foods just don't mix."

"Maybe" she sighed. "Don't be offended if they're…reluctant to try it."

"I won't be."

She could hear the clanking of plates in the dining room, which reminded her to hurry up. "But anyway, I'd like to give you something –I carried it with me all day long, probably not a good idea- here." She pulled an envelope out of the pocket of her trousers and handed it to Meg, who accepted it hesitantly after wiping her hands on a dishtowel.

"What's that?"

"Open it."

Meg took out the small slip of paper and stared at it in disbelief. "That's a cheque. And…a lot of money."

Tess nodded. "You know how I co-managed that little restaurant in Argentina, after Nick's promotion? This is your share of the profit."

"My share?"

"Yeah, I passed some of your recipes on to our kitchen, and your dishes were really, really popular."

"Tess…thank you, that's a very generous gift, but no thank you. I can't possibly accept this."

"But it's not a gift, you earned this money!"

"…and I don't want it. That's way too much, and I'm not going to take money from you for a couple of recipes I was more than happy to share." She tried to hand the cheque back to Tess, but the latter refused it with a declining gesture.

"Please, I want you to have it" she stated desperately. Why was Meg being so stubborn? It was her money, she should rightfully have it. "You're a part of the family, you've helped us so much over the years…you deserve it, and I know you and Terry are going to use it well."

"But that's the point, Terry and I don't _need_ it! We've got our self-made house, we're in no debt anywhere - we're happy. You and Nick could use this money far better, for yourselves, your daughter, Drover's Run, Wilgul…or whatever it is you want to use it for. It's only sensible that you should have it. Here…" She took Tess's hand and laid the paper back into it, closing it to a fist. "…I appreciate the gesture, but I won't cash this cheque."

Tess took it hesitantly, studied it for a moment, and ripped it to pieces afterwards. "Alright, but this money will be used for Drover's and nothing else."

"That's your choice to make."

At that moment, the children entered the kitchen, beaming at her. "We're done!" Charlotte announced.

"That was fast" Meg replied, full of wonder at their enthusiasm.

"So what's the surprise?" Emily asked curiously.

"Right, I almost forgot…there's a small fair in Gungellan this Sunday, with a few booths, a carousel and a dance in the evening. And since it's after the auction, I thought we could go."

"Yay!"

"Cool! Do they have those swing-things there?"

"I don't know, but we'll find out."

Tess smiled, the children's excitement had begun to rub off on her. She couldn't wait to finally be able to spend more time with them.


	17. Of Star Wars and Other Peculiar Things

_I'm sorry it took me so long to update, but I've been really busy with uni and everything. Well, the story's slowly coming to a close(just thought I'd prepare you for that)! Only three more chapters to go after this one! One is going to come on a few minutes after this because this chapter just got so long that I decided to split it up. _

_Additional Disclaimer: I do not own the song "Grow Old With Me" either, I don't even know who it's by. And before you say anything, yes, I did leave out some parts, but naturally, you wouldn't listen to every bit of the text while you're dancing._

**Chapter Sixteen**

„Hi" Alex poked his head through the door. "Anyone seen Stevie?"

"Oh, she's not with you then?" Tess asked, turning her head while holding a board of wood against the wall. Nick was tightening a screw, which was meant to stabilize it.

"No, we were supposed to meet up twenty minutes ago, but she didn't turn up and she's not at the cottage."

"Last time I saw her, she was with the vet and one of the sheep. She must have been held up. Don't worry, Alex, it only takes her five minutes to get ready, she'll be here soon. Did you leave a note at her door?"

"Yup." He dropped onto a kitchen chair, putting his hat on the table.

"Well, I can only hope that Jodi didn't stay with her" Tess sighed. "Because in that case, we'll be sitting here for the next couple of hours."

Nick threw a brief glance at his brother, grinning. "Nice boots, mate!"

"I know, they're my 'special occasion' ones. I don't often get a chance to wear them, though. Jealous?"

"Oh yeah, mighty jealous-"

At that moment, Jodi entered the kitchen with a wide smile on her face. "Ready, guys?"

Alex whistled through his teeth. "Lookin' good there, Jodes!" It was true. She was wearing a semi-long, white skirt, which was wider at the bottom and fluttered around her legs, and a turquoise spaghetti strap shirt made of a silky, shimmering material. Her hair was pinned up loosely, with a few blond curls hanging down, which gave her an air of casual elegance.

"Thanks. Well, I am the only single in this room-"

"Not after tonight" Nick commented after one brief glance at her.

Tess cleared her throat in offence, although the smirk that was tugging at the corners of her mouth betrayed her – she wasn't being serious.

"But" he was quick to add in a declamatory, overly festive tone, "I'm still glad to be married to the most beautiful woman of them all."

"Aw!" They shared a quick kiss before returning to the board.

Jodi exchanged an annoyed look with Alex. "Um, yeah, could you maybe save the soppy couple stuff for later?"

Tess chuckled. "Sorry, there's just no way of getting around it!"

They could hear steps on the stairs and a moment later, Emily entered the room, wearing a light summer dress with multi-coloured dots on it and a white shirt underneath, to protect her upper arms from sunburn.

"You look very nice, Em" Alex complimented.

"Thanks!"

"Yes, you do" Nick agreed quickly.

His daughter's smile grew even wider. Emily clearly loved the attention she was getting. "Mummy, can you put this in?" She tried to hand a red clip to her mother, but Tess couldn't take it.

"My hands are full right now, sweetheart, just wait a moment…"

"Daddy, can you do it?"

"I could…try." He laid down the screwdriver, turning the barrette in his hands doubtfully. It took him a moment to fully understand the concept. He opened it with one hand, held the top portion of Emily's hair back with the other, and tried to slip it in elegantly.

Alex couldn't help laughing at the sight.

"Ow, that hurts!" She flinched away from him, rubbing her head.

"Sorry, sweetie…what, you think you could do better, Alex?"

Jodi shook her head incredulously. "Nick, what are you doing? It's a hair clip, not a pitchfork! Here, let me-"

Nick gladly stepped aside, leaving the hairdressing to his sister-in-law. This just wasn't his domain.

Jodi ran her fingers through her little niece's wavy mane. "Emily, no wonder it hurt, we've got to comb your hair first."

"I hate combing…" she mumbled grimly.

"I know, but tell you what, I'll comb it really, really gently, or brush it…and then I'll do something nice with it. How does that sound?"

Her face lit up. "Can you do that, Aunty Jodes?"

Jodi smiled. "Aunty Jodes"…she'd never been called that before, but it definitely had a ring to it. "Sure!"

"You're talking to our beauty queen here, the former Miss Gungellan" Tess supported her sister.

Jodi grimaced. "…for about ten seconds…"

"Yeah, but still! She's really good with those things."

"Wicked!" Emily explained, which earned her a grin from Alex and a lot of strange looks from the others.

"Let's go upstairs." Jodi ushered her up the stairs enthusiastically, but not without throwing a thankful glance at Tess first.

"Where did she get that expression from?" Nick wondered, as soon as they were out of hearing range.

"Probably Chloe" Alex suggested.

"No, that doesn't sound like Chloe" Tess objected. "Anyway, I haven't seen Charlotte for a while."

"She's outside, still watching that new horse you got at the auction yesterday; I just passed her." Alex smiled. "I think she really likes - what's his name again?"

"Kurrajong."

"Right. I still don't understand why you bought him, though. I mean he's castrated, he's half blind, he's not gonna be of any use for working with cattle! He's not even the right breed-"

"He's got an excellent bloodline, Alex," Tess objected, "and he's not half blind, he suffers from the Neglect Syndrome, which is a neurological disorder caused through brain damage. He simply can't process the visual information from the…uh, the left side of things. And he's not too good with spatial relations, either."

"That's even worse; you bought a horse with damaged brains, who sometimes doesn't recognize his own saddle if you hold it the wrong way round. Now I'm sure you felt awfully sorry for the poor fellow, but-"

"The accident happened when he was a foal, and he has adapted to the damage surprisingly well! He's a young, gorgeous, mild-tempered, reliable horse who learns quickly. We got him for a good price, ridiculously cheap if you think about his bloodline, and Stevie's certain that after some training, he'll be fine with cattle – as long as we keep him on the left side."

Alex shook his head, realizing that it was useless to pursue the subject. Buying this Kurrajong had been an act of mercy and nothing more, but neither Stevie nor Tess would admit it. They had saved one more poor, messed up horse from the slaughterer, although they couldn't really afford it, he was pretty sure of that. "Sure. Hey, I think I'm gonna go outside and take another look at him, check on Charlotte…"

Tess nodded, while Nick was just picking up the last screw. "I hope Stevie gets here soon."

Alex left through the back door, crossed the veranda and walked halfway around the house, across the yard towards the stables, and past them to the closer paddocks. Charlotte was sitting on the lower bar of the fence with her back to him, holding on to the upper bar with her right arm while patting Kurrajong with her left hand.

He was a handsome gelding, Alex had to admit that. Medium sized, with a good stature and posture, strong muscles, slim fetters and a slight, yet even curve in both neck and back. His fur reflected the sunlight, since he was pitch-black except for a narrow white blaze. Perfect – had it not been for the scar that ran from between his ears down to his right cheek, partly covered by his excessively long mane.

"Hey, Charlotte."

She turned her head, as her lips slightly curled upward. "Are we leaving?"

"No, not just yet…still waiting for Emily and Stevie to get ready."

He leaned against the fence and patted the right side of Kurrajong's head. "Hey there, my boy." The horse stood at ease, with his weight resting on only three of his legs, generously allowing them to touch him.

"He's pretty" Charlotte commented.

"Sure is."

"Aunt Jodi let me brush him today. But he doesn't like it when you come at him from where he can't see."

"Yeah, that would make me nervous, too." Kurrajong whuffed indifferently. Alex could see why Stevie had taken to him – there was a sense of pride and stamina about him, in spite of his disability. This horse would be tough, but companionable.

"I wish he was my horse."

"Well, you can always come visit him. Maybe you'll be allowed to ride him some day."

"Yeah…" Charlotte's smile seemed to flicker a little. "That would be fun."

-------------------------------------------------

"Alright, guys, I'm ready. Sorry 'bout that! The rest of the placenta had started to rot, causing an infection, it was hard to get…out…" She swallowed down the rest of the explanation when she noticed that there was a child in the room. "Anyway, sorry I'm late."

"What's a pla-cenna?" the little girl asked.

"Something inside a sheep."

"Do we have that, too?"

Stevie exchanged an unsure glance with Tess, who took over. "Yes, all women or female animals do."

"And that can rot!" Emily exclaimed in horror.

"No, usually, it can't. Only sometimes, a while after a sheep has born a lamb…but it couldn't happen to us, don't worry."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely." She stroked her daughter's hair affectionately in passing. "Jodi, we're leaving now! If you still want to drive behind us-"

"Just a sec, I'm coming!" her sister called down from upstairs. How could it take her so long to "get ready" in the bathroom if she had been ready to begin with?

"Where's Alex?" Stevie asked.

"He should be outside with Charlotte, taking a look at Kurrajong" Nick replied, picking up his hat from the table. It was about time they got going. "If you're going to look for him anyway, could you tell her it's time to come cos we're leaving?"

"Will do."

"Alright, I'm here, I'm good, thanks for waiting" Jodi called while coming down the stairs, sounding a little stressed out. "Whoa, Killarney person in the room."

Stevie shook her head at the remark, for the hundredth time. "Are you gonna keep saying that every time you see me?"

"For the next month or so." She grinned.

Nick frowned. "You never said anything when I moved in here."

"Well, that's because you're…you're like Luke Skywalker!"

"I'm…blond?"

"No –well, that too- but you're on the 'good side of the force'." She made little finger quotations in the air.

"Ooh, does that mean I get to be Princess Leia?" Tess asked.

"No, because Luke and Leia were actually brother and sister. Honestly, people, did you even see that film?"

"What film?" Emily joined in.

Stevie laughed. "Alright, I'm leaving. Jodi's comparisons are over the top of my head. See you at the fair!"


	18. Grow Old Along with Me

_Alright, I confess…I am a hopeless romantic after all. So what?_

**Chapter Seventeen**

"Okay, the little lamb it shall be. What about you, Charlotte?"

The addressed girl shrugged, unsure of what to say. It hadn't gone unnoticed by him, however, that she had been watching the tiny stuffed pony with a longing gaze.

"Come on, you must like something. Don't be shy."

"Stuffed animals are for little kids" she explained.

"I'm not a little kid!" Emily protested.

"Hm, I see. That's of course a problem" Alex replied with a serious expression, winking at his niece. "Tell you what, I'm gonna aim for that pony over there anyway, because I like it."

Emily giggled, but covered her mouth at his warning look.

"Three shots, please."

The middle aged woman behind the counter, who usually worked at the pub, shook her head, but handed him the gun nonetheless. "You'll never make both of them in three attempts, but okay…that'll be one fifty."

He got out the money and handed it to her, taking the rifle with both hands. The children plugged their ears, afraid of the loud bang that they were expecting. Carleigh was right, the stuffed animals were just about the most expensive prize there, so naturally, the targets with their number on them were the hardest to hit as they were moving really fast from left to right, going up and down over hills.

Alex tried to concentrate, but the two fidgety little girls behind him didn't make it any easier. The trick was not to follow the target with the gun, but to position it correctly, keeping your arm steady, and shoot right before it was about to come by, estimating its speed beforehand. He aimed, waited, shot…and, to his own surprise, hit the right target straight away.

Emily jumped up and down in excitement and Charlotte let out an impressed "whoa". The woman behind the counter smiled and grabbed the lamb from the back shelf, handing it over to Alex. "Congratulations!"

He took it and passed it on to Emily. "Here you go, princess."

"Gracias" she replied politely, flashing her sweetest smile. She sure knew how to melt his heart and he was certain that she had chosen the Spanish version on purpose because she knew how adorable he thought it was. Not that he cared.

"What're you gonna name him?" Charlotte was eyeing the lamb with a tiny hint of jealousy.

"It's a she" her cousin declared with serious conviction, gently running her hands over the lamb's soft ears. "I don't know. You can name her, Uncle Alex."

"Oh, actually…that's okay, you just pick a name you like and I'll do the naming ceremony."

"Animals have naming ceremonies, too?" Charlotte asked sceptically.

"Of course, everyone should have a proper naming ceremony!"

"Hmm…I like Taffy, or Lappy or Shamshee, or Ambrosia, or Whitey…"

Alex had to suppress a laugh or grimace at some of his niece's ideas. "Well, she could have more than one name. Which one shall it be?"

"All of them!"

"All of them? Okay." He took the stuffed animal with one hand and put the other on its head in a festive gesture, trying to keep a straight face. "Lamb, I hereby name you Taffy Lappy Shamshee Whitey Ambrosia. And may you, uh…may you always carry that name with pride."

The girls giggled and Carleigh cleared her throat audibly. "Are you gonna use those other two shots?"

"Sure."

He handed the lamb back to Emily and aimed at the next target, number fourteen. Somehow, the white plastic flashing by distracted him the longer he looked at it, with the numbers becoming a blur. He had to hit it; it was important to him to treat the two children equally. It didn't matter how often he'd miss, he would simply keep on trying.

Somehow, the thoughts he had spent on it made it come true: he missed his target. He had simply hesitated for too long. "Ow…well, let's give it another shot."

On his second attempts, he tried to keep things as straightforward as possible – no thinking, just aiming, keeping it steady, shooting. And it worked! Charlotte was beaming when he gave her the pony.

The woman behind the counter sighed. "You know, Alex, people like you make me poor. One of these days, I'm gonna go into the city and we'll see how well people are gonna do there!"

"You do that, Carleigh, and don't forget to send me a postcard when you get there. See ya!"

Alex led the girls away from the booth. "So, have you decided on a name yet?"

Charlotte nodded. "Lulu."

"Oh, that's a pretty name." Emily looked at him suspiciously. "So is Taffy Lappy…Ambrosia, of course" he added quickly.

They were just about to work their way over to the carousel, through the crowd of people, when he saw Nick and Tess coming towards them. The girls rushed over to their side and showed them their new stuffed animals.

Alex couldn't hear what exactly was being said over the noise, but he caught Tess's "did you say thank you?" Nick took them over to the carousel, one of the two rides, the thing they had been most excited for.

Tess lingered for a moment. "Thanks for watching them!"

"No problem."

"They seemed pretty impressed by the shooting part. I think in their esteem, you've just risen to 'coolest uncle ever'."

He grinned, but tried not to show too much how happy it made him. "What do you mean 'risen to', I've always been the coolest uncle!"

Tess shook her head with a smile. "I'm gonna go catch up with them."

"Alright, see you later."

Suddenly, he felt two hands covering his eyes from behind. The shock only lasted a split-second, before he recognized her by the perfume she seldom used, the vague scent of sheep, which had lingered nonetheless, and a quiet chuckle. She had to be in a very playful mood. He smirked. "Hey, Kelly. I missed you, baby."

Stevie removed her hands and slapped his arm. "You're unbelievable!"

"No violence, please…" he laughed, turning around. "I'm just joking."

She shook her head. "Men. You frustrate me."

"Well, I'd shoot you a prize at the booth, if I didn't know that you're way too independent for that and would feel offended by it" he teased her.

"Damn right" she replied with a smirk. "That and I couldn't decide between the teddies and the plastic jewellery."

"You could always go for those little whistle things." He put his arm around her and they walked on with no particular direction. "I bet Jodi, Tess and Chloe would just love it if you used one of those to communicate with them."

Stevie smiled with a mischievous sparkle in her eyes. "That's actually not a bad idea, but if I were to get one, I'd shoot it myself. I can't let you have all the fun."

He tapped his hat. "As you wish, ma'am."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nick and Jodi were standing at the side of the dance floor, observing the lively goings around them. Old evergreens were being played, interspersed with up-to-date country songs. The yellow and red spotlights, as well as the orange lampions and the colourful fairy lights, provided a perfect atmosphere underneath the starry summer sky. In spite of the heavy heat during the day, the nights had already started to cool down a little to a more comfortable temperature. Jodi had draped a light, transparent turquoise shawl around her shoulders, for the purpose of fashion rather than that of keeping warm, Nick supposed.

Couples of all ages as well as groups of young girls and guys were enjoying the music, shaking a leg on the dance floor or chatting with friends. Nick watched Tess with a mild smile on his face while she was dancing with the girls, spinning them over and over again in wild pirouettes. The children showed no hint of fatigue even at this hour; they were way too agitated to feel tired.

He let his gaze wander across the brink of the dance floor, still trying to find a potential partner for Jodi. "What about that bloke over there?"

"The guy in the green shirt? You have good taste in men." An amused smile spread on Jodi's face.

"Don't ever mention anything of the kind to Alex, or I'll get to hear that for the rest of my life."

"No worries, your secret is safe with me" she remarked with a wink.

He sighed. "That's what I get for trying to help you. So anyway, what's wrong with him?"

"He's in a relationship."

"How do you know?"

"Well, he doesn't look gay to me."

"That doesn't mean-"

"And he doesn't seem shy either. See that attractive brunette in the short skirt over there, standing right next to him?"

Nick still didn't get the point. "Yeah?"

"Look at her body language, she's just waiting for him to ask her to dance and trust me, if he weren't in a relationship, he would've asked her by now. No man would let that chance pass."

He chuckled, shaking his head. "If you say so…"

A minute later, a pretty young woman and a man approached the guy in question. Jodi nudged Nick as the guy gave the woman a quick peck on the lips and put an arm around her. "See?"

"Coincidence, mere coincidence…"

Jodi wasn't listening, still focused on the couple, who were heading for the dance floor…or so it seemed. "Quick, Nick, go dance with your wife."

"What?"

"The other bloke, he's standing over there by himself, looking around…go, if you stay here much longer, he's gonna think we're a couple and ask the brunette to dance."

Nick laughed and did as Jodi had told him, leaving her. As he was heading over to Tess and the kids, the lights slowly changed from reddish tones to a dark blue and a slow song he didn't recall the name of came on.

_Grow old along with me_

_The best is yet to be…_

He put his hand on her lower back lightly, making her aware of his presence. "Would you like to dance?"

She turned around and smiled. "I thought you'd never ask. Would you excuse me for a moment, girls?"

The children didn't react; they had already joined hands and started doing "twister turns" that did not match the music at all.

Tess took Nick's hand and put her other one on his shoulder, while he drew her closer. They started dancing slowly, barely moving from the spot. She was still smiling at him, a smile of true contentedness.

…_Grow old along with me_

_Two branches of one tree_

_Face the setting sun_

_When the day is done…_

"I wonder where Stevie and Alex are…they disappeared a long time ago."

"Well, it's not that hard to imagine, is it?" Nick replied with a smirk.

…_Spending our lives together…_

"I'm glad they finally got things sorted out" Tess remarked. "They both deserve some happiness."

"Yeah. Although this is still just a start."

"But a good one."

…_Whatever fate decrees  
We will see it through…_

They danced on in silence, or rather moved more and more slowly, just following the basic rhythm. Tess put her head on his shoulder. She was so close, he could feel the warmth of her body, smell the scent of her shampoo, even synchronize his breathing with hers. So incredibly close…

When the song ended, she sighed. "I wish it could always be like this."

"Me too."

------------------------------------------------------------

"Alex?"

"Hm?"

"I just found the solution."

"To what?"

"To what we were talking about, of course."

"Oh…right." He shifted a little. Her head was getting heavy on his arm, but, at the same time, he didn't want to change positions either. Firstly, because he enjoyed the contact and secondly, because he was simply too lazy to move.

Stevie chuckled. "You really did have a couple of beers more than me, didn't you?"

"What's the solution?"

"We could just sleep here."

"In the back of the Ute?"

"Well, there's no better solution, really. Neither one of us can still drive and the pub's rooms are all occupied. See, aren't you glad we took the Ute now? That's the good side of your car breaking down…"

"Believe me, there can't be a good side to that" he said sombrely. "You're right, though, it's all I can think of right now. And it's not cold, either…just uncomfortable."

"Oh, come on, you were just about to doze off!"

"Yeah…I guess I was" he replied seriously.

Stevie turned a little and lifted her head to see his face; he had sounded so tranquil and yet thoughtful, all of a sudden. Alex was smiling up at the dark night sky wistfully. It was an inward smile, not the kind commonly used to convey pleasure to someone else. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing" he muttered slowly, absent-mindedly, and his smile grew a little wider while his gaze was still fixed on the dark and yet so luminous sky. "Nothing."

She snuggled up a little closer against him with the faint understanding that this was one of these things that couldn't possibly be shared.

"It's just that…the stars haven't shone this brightly in a long time."

"No. No, I guess they haven't."


	19. Trust

_I'm really sorry that it took me so long to update (again)! I was having major writer's block problems there…_

_A big thanks to Anti for helping me on all horse related matters, I would have been stuck forever on the cantering thing, and for generally reading it before and encouraging me! _

_And I was wrong – two more chapters to go after this one._

**Chapter Eighteen**

„Nice gaits!" he commented.

„Yeah" Stevie replied with a frown. "We don't need him for dressage competitions, though, but for work."

"Oh yeah, of course, the same goes for the horse."

She threw him a glance that was supposed to look annoyed, but the hint of a lenient smile gave her away.

Alex grinned, watching her lead Kurrajong through a group of barrels with hardly any rein commands. Her footwork was excellent and the horse reacted to it sensitively. "So will he actually get to see a real cow anytime soon?"

Stevie shook her head, still concentrating on the gelding with all of her body. "Not today, I need to be sure of his response to commands first, and he needs to trust me." She slackened the reins a little more, millimetre by millimetre.

"But I thought we were gonna move your stuff."

She stopped the horse and smiled down at him apologetically. "Actually, would you mind if we did that later this evening, after work? I thought I'd manage to squeeze it all in, but it's not just the work with Kurrajong, we need to drove the new cattle way up to the heights this afternoon. I can't leave it all to Tess, Jodi and Chloe."

"Alright." Alex wasn't exactly overjoyed at the prospect of waiting any longer, but there was nothing to be done about it, he could tell from her definite answer. "I'll come back tonight, then. And good luck with those barrels…if I find cow shaped ones on Killarney, I'll let you know."

"Ha-ha, very funny. See ya later!"

He made a few steps towards his car, but changed his mind rapidly and decided to see what the others were up to. The new generator had been installed on Killarney, the sheep were cared for, and there was still enough time to dig the ditch later.

He made his way back from the unused grass land beside the driveway –Stevie liked to train horses in their actual working environment rather than a paddock, if possible- to the homestead.

There, he quickly realized another reason for training Kurrajong away from the stables: one of the paddocks was in use. Tess was standing in the middle of the rectangle, watching Emily ride on a relatively small, skewbald gelding. The horse was still too big for her and it was a pity, Alex thought, that Hopscotch had died so young.

"Very good," Tess praised her daughter, who had adapted her movements to the rhythm of the horse's jog trot fairly well, "just don't cut the corners."

Emily slowed down the gelding's pace and waved at her uncle for a second before focusing on her mother again. "Can I canter _now_?"

"You're sure you want to try by yourself, without the lunge?" Tess asked, sounding a little worried.

The little girl rolled her eyes, which made Alex smirk. He leaned on the fence next to Charlotte, observing his niece. She had definitely grown more confident with horses over the past few weeks. Tess had no reason to be concerned.

"Please, Mummy?"

"Okay, I think Smudge is warmed up enough. Just remember what I told you about cantering-"

"Don't let your bum slap the horse" her daughter recited with a giggle.

"I'm serious, Emily! Alright, shorten the pace, sit down and give him the signal" Tess instructed slowly, trying to sound calm to avoid making her daughter nervous.

Emily attempted to sit down on the trotting horse, but kept bouncing up and down, so she started clutching the reins to keep her balance.

"The reins are not a handle!" Tess shouted over the sound of the hooves, still trying to be patient. After all, she had been a beginner once, too.

"I know, but I don't wanna fall!"

"You're not going to- okay, don't worry, just take him down to a walk again."

"But I want to canter!"

"You will, just slow down!"

Emily got the horse into a walk and looked at her mother expectantly. "Now what?"

Tess released the breath she had been holding and forced herself to smile reassuringly. "Just gather the reins again, sit down, as heavy as you can, and then give him the signal…but you have to be firm, otherwise he'll only start trotting again, and that's not what you want, right?"

Tess watched her daughter as she tried to adjust her seat. "Sit back a little more. Now, when Smudge starts cantering, you need to _follow_ his movements. Do you know what I mean?"

"Um…yeah…" She didn't sound very convinced.

"Okay, give him the signal…firmly."

Emily used her legs, and it worked: The horse passed over into a smooth canter, but the girl on top still looked very shaky in her position – albeit slightly better than before.

"Try not to stiffen, Em, follow the movements" Tess reiterated.

"I'm trying, Mummy!" Emily replied, full of frustration. She didn't have the patience for this.

"I know you are, sweetheart, but you need to adjust to _Smudge's_ rhythm. Imagine- imagine you're riding on a wave!" It wasn't easy to convey 'imagine you're having sex' to a four-year-old without actually saying it.

Tess could see that her daughter was only getting tenser and tenser – this wouldn't get them anywhere. "Okay, slow him down to a walk again, and don't forget to praise him."

Emily did as told, but not without an expression of anger and determination of her face. Although her flushed cheeks normally would have given her a healthy look, she was visibly crestfallen and threw an envious glance at her older cousin.

Alex felt sorry for her. "That was pretty good!" he remarked encouragingly.

Charlotte picked up on the need to say uplifting and conciliatory things. "Yeah, when I come back next time, we'll probably be able to go for a ride together."

"Yes, you did very well, but I think that's enough for today" Tess stated. "Let's cool Smudge down and leave it till tomorrow."

Emily rode slow circles in silence, pouting. Tess scrutinized the horse carefully. He wasn't exhausted – a bit annoyed, at most. They hadn't practised for long; he was able to take another girl. "Charlotte, it's your turn."

However, the eager reaction Tess had expected didn't come. "That's okay, I…don't really feel like riding today."

Alex frowned. The longing gaze with which she had watched the horse hadn't escaped his notice.

"Are you sure?" Tess asked, slightly disappointed. "You can only ride for free here, and you're going home in two days."

"No, please, I really don't want to, Aunty Tess."

"O-kay" Tess replied in amazement. "You don't have to, of course."

-----------------------------------------------------

A few hours had passed since the morning. While the women of Drover's Run were bringing the new cattle up to the heights, a great undertaking, regarding the massive group of cows, Alex had agreed to watch the kids. He didn't mind, he liked having them around on Killarney, although it could get very distracting. Neither one of them had lived in the country in the past few years, and they still seemed to see the farm as a sort of amusement park.

Alex had offered some juice and biscuits, desperately trying to come up with something that would be fun for the children and allow him to do his work while keeping an eye on them at the same time. He had been unsuccessful so far and was debating with himself whether he could afford to take the afternoon off.

Emily was nibbling on a cookie, observing the moving shadow of her dangling legs. She let her gaze wander across the terrace curiously and pointed at a basket in the corner. "Those flowers are pretty! Uncle Alex, can I be a flower girl when you and Aunty Steves get married?"

Alex choked on his coffee and started coughing. "Who…who said we'd…get married anytime soon?"

"Mummy and Daddy" Emily replied cheerfully.

Great. That was so like Tess and Nick. "What exactly did they say?"

"Um, Daddy said he doesn't understand why you don't just get married and Mummy said 'they'll get there' and then Daddy was like 'better late than never'."

"And they think you should get married real soon" Charlotte added.

"No, they didn't say-"

Charlotte nudged her cousin under the table and threw her a meaningful glance, which shut Emily up – but only for a moment. "And they think that when you get married, you should have a carriage with lots and lots of white horses. And flowers, and pretty dresses."

Alex smirked, understanding what they were aiming at. "Do they now? That's interesting. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but there's no wedding plans on right now."

"But why not?" Charlotte asked. Both of the girls looked visibly disappointed.

"Because…" Alex hardly got into a situation where he was out of words, but this directness had caught him entirely off guard. He was just baffled. "Because it's not the right time."

Emily frowned doubtfully. "Why not?"

"It just isn't. But hey, I promise that when –if- when we get married, you can be a flower girl."

His niece clearly wasn't satisfied with that answer. "I still think you should get married now."

"And I think we should find something else to do than sitting around on the terrace all afternoon" Alex evaded her comment.

The girls got up, quickly grabbing a another biscuit each. "Where's Matt?"

Alex smiled, it was adorable how his four-year-old niece had taken to that seventeen-year-old kid, who was helping out on Killarney over the summer. "'round the other side of the house, fixing the tractor. You can go say hi, but don't bother him for too long, I want him to get his work done."

"I'm not bothering him!" Emily replied indignantly. "He's my boyfriend."

"Don't you think he might be a little old for you?" Alex asked with amusement.

A simple "no" was all he got for an answer before she ran off to find her "boyfriend". Alex shook his head – crazy kid. He noticed that Charlotte had wandered off into the direction of the paddocks in the meantime and headed after her. She could be so serious and quiet occasionally. At other times, she was a lively and talkative child. Alex wasn't sure what to make of it.

She had already arrived at one of the smaller fold yards, admiring a grey stallion, who was just recovering from a long transport. His owner was paying a nice lease to keep him here for the week.

"For someone who doesn't like to ride, you spend an awful lot of time staring at horses" Alex commented.

The girl shrugged, her sad eyes still fixed on the thoroughbred.

He sighed. "Look, Charlotte, I know it can be a scary thought to get up there again after you've fallen down - but the longer you wait, the harder it gets. So the question is, really, do you want to ride? Nobody will blame you if you don't, you don't have to, alright? It's just that if it keeps bugging you, if you really want to, then there's ways…to get up there and enjoy it again."

"But I suck at it."

"Bull- I mean nonsense. Just because you fall down doesn't mean you suck. If you're gonna ride, you're bound to fall down sometime. It happens. It's just that if you're _expecting _to fall down, if you can't stop thinking about it, the horse is gonna notice and get nervous, too."

"But I can't help it!"

"Yes, you can."

"No, I can't!" she shouted stubbornly.

Alex sighed. "Okay. Sorry, didn't mean to push you there."

The horse suddenly thrust up its head, trotting around the paddock nervously. "Hey, what's it now?" Alex wondered in a low voice, which was contradictory to his words. "Whoa, it's okay, settle down, boy. Come on…whoa…there. It's alright."

The stallion kept pacing along the fence nervously. "Maybe he can smell the other horses?" Charlotte suggested.

"Probably. But I think that's just him, he's been that way since he got here and I heard the transport wasn't easy, either."

They stayed by the fence for a while, just watching the horse, which was careful not to get too close to them, speculating about its behaviour. A light, refreshing breeze came up, but had soon passed.

"How?" Charlotte suddenly asked out of the blue.

"How what?"

"How can you, like…not be afraid?"

Alex smiled. "It's up to you. But I can show you ways that make it easier."

-------------------------------------------------------------

"What about this one?" Jodi held a very low cut, slightly see-through black shirt in front of her torso.

Tess hesitated. She wanted to protect her little sister from being used; Jodi had experienced enough heartache, enough dysfunctional relationships already. "Depends on what you want to convey. It's your first date, after all."

"Too slutty?"

"I was going to call it 'generous', but…what else have you got?"

Jodi rummaged through the pile of clothes on her bed, throwing most of them aside. "I don't know! I definitely need to go shopping, but Gungellan is a rat's hole for that."

"Move." Tess smiled, some things would never change. She picked out a few tops, compared them to Jodi's light, beige trousers and laid most of them aside. "Hold on, what about this one?"

"That one?" Jodi took it from her, studying the flowing red material and the accentuated V-neck. "I haven't worn that one in a long time. Forgot I had it, actually."

"It would look great with the trousers and the belt. But don't wear the black boots –too severe- go for the sandals."

"Wow." She beamed at her sister. "Thanks!"

"You're welcome, anytime." Tess approached the door, eager to get back to work. She was far behind on her schedule already.

"But I still don't know what to do with my hair! Come on, you're my sister, you need to help me out here…"

"I'm sorry, Jodi, but I really don't have the time for this right now, maybe later. And I hate to mention it, but this month's payoff is still waiting for you…I think you're more up to date with the personnel cheques than I am right now."

"But Tess, you just said 'anytime' - hang on, you want me to continue with the clearing?"

"Why wouldn't I? It's been your domain for the past four years, I won't just take that away from you. I wouldn't want to mess it all up."

"Oh…okay. I'll do it later, then."

"Good." She turned around to leave, but stopped at the door. "Oh, and just leave your hair down. It looks very feminine that way and most men fall for that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to a couple of sick sheep."

---------------------------------------------------

"Now just lean forward…along the neck like that and pat her up here."

"But what if she jumps and starts running?"

"She won't 'jump', much less start running, I got her."

Charlotte eyed the horse suspiciously. Alex could tell how tense she was from her posture and stern facial expression, and although he had told her to let her hands rest on her legs, he could see that she was actually clutching her thighs. "Uh, can't I just ride normally, without the whole lean back, lean forward, let your arms circle stuff?"

"No, because you're not relaxing. And before you can take the reins again, you need to be in control or what you're doing." He couldn't really imagine how someone could fall back that much on something as natural as riding, because it had never happened to him, but he had seen it before. Trying to understand was all he could do; he had to keep telling himself to be patient. But since she had been a pretty good rider before, he was confident that after crossing some sort of mental barrier, she would be fine.

Charlotte leaned forward hesitantly, patting the gentle mare's neck.

"Good, now scratch her between the ears."

"That's so far away…"

"Try."

"But don't let go of the reins!"

Alex sighed; the girl kept repeating that over and over again. It was like trying to teach a kid to ride a bike – or at least he thought that this was what it had to be like. She hadn't even wanted him to use the lunge, so he was actually still leading the horse. "Of course I won't, Char…promise."

He cursed himself mentally when he realized what he had said. His rights to promise anything at all had been gambled away a long time ago. He hoped that she hadn't actually paid attention to his phrasing, but the strange, doubtful look she gave him told him something else. Did it still stand there as this unacknowledged, big thing that they would remember at the slightest mentioning?

A short moment of awkwardness passed between them, until Charlotte smiled diffidently. "Okay."

Then, ever so slowly, she inched forward…


	20. Between Dusk And Dawn

**Chapter Nineteen**

„Auntie Tess!"

The child's voice pulled her out of her thoughts rapidly. She turned around and set down the buckets. "Good morning! You're up early!"

"I didn't wanna miss anything. What are you doing?"

"I was just about to run some food over to the horses."

Charlotte frowned. "But don't they just eat grass?"

"I'm afraid there's not enough of it right now; the drought was pretty bad this year."

"Oh. Can I help?"

"Sure, you can come along, if you want to. But it's not particularly exciting." It made Tess smile to see the look of anticipation on her niece's face, with regards to the simplicity of her plans.

They walked over to the Ute, and Tess heaved the buckets onto the loading space. Charlotte climbed up and pushed them closer to the driver's cabin. "By the way, your dad called last night" Tess remarked casually.

"Oh, why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to wake you up, it was pretty late. Anyway, he was very upset about it, but he won't be able to pick you up tomorrow, because he needs to go check out a horse trainer that will only be there for one day. But Uncle Nick is going to give you a lift, he's got an appointment in Fisher anyway."

"Oh, okay." Charlotte sat down in the cargo area, waiting for Tess to return with the next two buckets. Her aunt wouldn't let her carry them, anyway; she always said that they were too heavy for her – utter nonsense, in her opinion.

When Tess came back with the next load, she noticed that Charlotte was playing with a piece of loose thread that had been lying around, lost in thought. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"If you say so" Tess muttered, stowing the last bit of feed on the load floor. This should be plenty. She eyed her niece suspiciously, but decided that if Charlotte wanted to talk about it, she would come out with it eventually. "Oh bugger, I forgot my keys. Would you do me a favour, honey? Could you run inside and see if they're on the kitchen table?"

When the girl jumped off the loading space without another word and ran off to get the keys without a word of complaint, Tess knew that something had to be wrong. Either that, or she was just trying to stay on her good side so shortly before leaving.

It was a pity that she had to go so soon, really. Tess didn't even want to think about the upcoming parting, which would be incredibly hard. They had grown close over the past month, and Charlotte had begun to refresh, or, in some cases, establish relationships with the others, too. She had opened up a lot and just when things were really starting to look up, she had to leave again. It wasn't fair. Emily would be broken-hearted to see her cousin go, although Tess had explained to her a million times that it wasn't "goodbye", just "see you soon". See you soon.

Before she could think about it any further, she felt a pair of hands on her waist and jumped, whirling around at the same time. "Good grief, you really gave me a shock there!"

Nick looked back at her with that mild smile of his. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you, but I thought you'd heard me coming. I wasn't exactly tiptoeing, you know."

"Well, in that case," Tess replied with a smirk, "you must be an elf or something."

"An elf?" he grimaced. "I don't think I've ever been called that before."

"Flattering for a man, isn't it?" she chuckled.

"Oh yeah, very much so."

"Thought so."

"Hm." Nick threw a brief glance at the load in the back of the Ute. "Have you had your breakfast yet?"

"No, the horses come first. Meg is going to make a big breakfast for all of us around nine, in case there's no time for it tomorrow."

"Need a hand with this?"

"That's okay, Charlotte is coming with me."

"Oh, she's up?"

"Yep." Tess nodded in the direction of the house, which was just being exited by the child.

Nick waved at her and she grinned and hurried towards them, holding up the set of keys for Tess to see. The morning sun, which had only come up over the paddocks half an hour or so ago, was painting sparkling golden patterns on Charlotte's light brown hair. Everything seemed quiet and peaceful for the moment, but in another sixty minutes, the homestead would be filled with voices, babbling, shouting, laughing voices, and the unmistakeable sound of work being done.

And suddenly, without any obvious reason, Tess felt a pang of remorse and sadness overwhelming her, in spite of, or maybe because of, the beautiful morning. Regret for that time that had run down the river, for all the years they had lost. Regret that Claire would never get to see her daughter like this, smiling, coming out of the house on an ordinary morning. And, finally, regret for knowing that this was only temporary, that they would not have another morning like this one for a long time.

"Good morning, Charlotte!" Nick called.

" 'Morning, Uncle Nick!"

Tess forced herself to smile with that wide, artificial grin she had adopted for the first time when she had realized that her mother liked to hear "I'm fine" a lot more than "I miss Claire, I hate my school, I want to go home".

"They weren't on the kitchen table, but I found them in the dining room" the girl explained.

"The dining room? Who'd put them there?"

Charlotte shrugged.

"Thanks, BOM…I mean, Charlotte."

"That's okay." She smiled bashfully. "You, uh, you can call me BOM, if you want to. I don't mind."

Tess smiled, genuinely this time, while attempting not to embarrass her niece by being too moved about it. It wasn't a big deal, after all. "All right then, BOM, let's get started on the work."

"I'm off to saw a few boards for the new shelter" Nick informed her before placing a hurried, soft kiss on her lips. "I'll see you two later."

"See ya!"

"Bye!"

Tess walked around to the right side of the Ute and sat down in the driver's seat, when she noticed that her niece was still standing outside, staring ahead blankly. She stuck her head out the open window. "Do you want to feed the horses, or not? Hop in, cowgirl!"

Charlotte did as told, while Tess turned the ignition key. For a while, both sat in silence, enjoying the ride in spite of the bumpy path. BOM stuck her head out the window and closed her eyes as the wind blew through her hair. Tess let her eyes wander around the gorgeous landscape, as much as this was possible while driving.

"Can we go for a ride this afternoon?" Charlotte asked.

"I thought you didn't want to ride" Tess replied, surprised at the question.

"I was riding on Killarney yesterday, all day long…well, almost."

Tess raised her eyebrows. Alex had told her about it, but she hadn't expected that much of a change in her niece. "Yes, but riding out in the open is different."

"But I even rode with my eyes closed! Okay, not on my own, but I was riding on my own later. And Alex said I did well."

"But that was only one afternoon. I'm sorry, but I don't think it's a good idea yet. We can go for a walk instead, just you and me."

"Pleeease, Auntie Tess! It's my last day, and I'm not scared anymore. Please!" she pleaded, looking at her aunt with a deliberate puppy face.

Tess was battling with herself. She knew it wasn't reasonable, but she couldn't deny her niece this last wish. "All right," she sighed, "but we'll go slowly. No cantering!"

Charlotte grimaced, but her joy was still obvious. "Okay."

They fell silent again, each one of them lost in their thoughts, until Tess decided that this quietness was unnatural for a last day together. "Your dad's really looking forward to seeing you. And you must have missed everyone while you were here."

The girl nodded, a smile flashing briefly across her features, but her sombre expression returned quickly.

"But we'll miss you, of course. Everyone will" she remarked warmly. "You can come back anytime you like, though. Weekends, holidays, whenever you want to. It won't be long, and before you know it, you'll be back here." She looked over at BOM, who was still staring ahead. Bewildered by her silence, she kept talking. "You're always welcome, I want you to know that."

"Really?"

"Of course!"

Her niece's face lit up, it seemed as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, but she wasn't quite willing to believe the peace yet.

Tess was confused, what had Charlotte expected? Didn't she know that this was her home, too, that she was almost like a second daughter to her? Had the time apart built up a barrier that couldn't be overcome, was it her fault, would it ever be what it was again? What could she possibly do to make up for it?

The car shook a little as she drove over a bump. "Oops, sorry." She should have paid more attention to the soil. The land was so well known to her that it was easy to fall into a clumsy routine.

"Auntie Tess" Charlotte asked all of a sudden, "you're not gonna leave again, right?"

Tess looked over at her, stunned at such a question. "No, of course not…oh BOM, of course not, we're staying." It took her a moment to grasp the extent of what had been asked, but then, things began to fall into place rapidly, like a riddle that made sense all of a sudden. "We're not going to leave again."

"And you're not just saying that?"

"No, I'm not. I couldn't leave, not again. I'm afraid you'll have to put up with me."

Charlotte leaned back contentedly, a smile of relief on her lips. "Good."

------------------------------------------------------

"Good, I'm glad the kid's not afraid anymore" Stevie stated, satisfied with Alex' account of the afternoon. "What about Emily?"

"What about her? She's adorable, but…don't get me wrong, but she can be pretty trying."

"You can say that again" she reiterated, thinking back to her strenuous babysitting experiences. The little girl was cute, but often, Auntie Stevie had been all too glad when Auntie Jodes had been ready to take over. "She's Tess and Nick's only child, they do spoil her a little."

Alex smiled mildly. "Yeah, she's quite the little princess…but she's a good kid. Reminds me of Jodi, in a way."

"Ha, I would've liked to see that. Or maybe I wouldn't. Jodi as a child…almost scary. She would have driven me insane."

"She was one attention-loving girl!"

"Hm, I wonder why that sounds familiar…"

Alex stopped his horse, shielding his eyes against the sun to look ahead.

"What?"

"Here we are" he declared festively.

"I don't see anything." Stevie looked around in confusion. As far as she knew, this was one of Killarney's endless pastures. Pretty, but still a pasture, covered in yellow, sun-bleached grass with hardly any other vegetation around. Why on earth would he make them ride all this way for another piece of grass land?

"Just look at it." He nodded at the old plant in front of them.

She gazed up at the branches, holding on to her hat and shrugged. "It's a tree. Alex, I've been to Killarney once or twice. I know what your trees look like" she stated, unable to suppress a grin.

"Not just any tree. This is where Harry decided to buy Killarney."

"Ah." Stevie was tempted to remark that she had never really thought of Harry Ryan as a tree-hugger, but that would have been too inconsiderate. Besides, Alex seemed to be in an unusually soft mood. She didn't quite know what to make of it. "Well, it's a very nice…tree."

"Oh yeah, those leaves - and that bark! Mmh…"

Or maybe not quite as soft… "You can be such a-"

"A what?"

She shook her head, smirking at his expression.

"A dream bloke?" he chuckled. "Why, thank you, but I already knew that, _sweetheart_."

"You call me that one more time…" she threatened, looking in her saddlebags for something to throw at him – a wire cutter seemed a bit too drastic.

"Okay, swee-"

"Race you up that hill and back here – go!" Before he could utter another word, she had already taken off, urging Banjo forward.

The horse gathered speed quickly, leaving a baffled Alex behind. She could hear some faint yells about cheating, and the hooves of another horse only seconds later, shortly behind her. The thought of Alex' bewildered expression was priceless; she wished she could have seen it. Her hat had been blown off her head, and as she leaned forward, she could feel her hair flying freely behind her. She loved the feeling of the fresh breeze on her face, the natural smell of grass, leather and horses that filled her nostrils, the wind that lashed through her curls, the steady movement beneath her. It was like a perfect, rhythmic unity of rider and horse.

They turned at the very top of the hill in as sharp a curve as Banjo could manage and raced back town, passing Alex within a second. He wasn't far behind them and had kept up pretty well for his disadvantage, she had to admit that. Downhill, she kept her attention on the soil, there was always the danger of that one fatal hole or bump, no matter how often you had done it before. She was back at the tree in an instant and let Banjo slow down, turning him around to face the loser of the contest.

Alex smirked, trying hard to look angry. "That was so not fair! Lucky you, you had a head start, or I could have beaten you any time!"

"_Sure_ you could have" she confirmed in a deliberately unconvinced voice, as if she were talking to a young child.

"Tsk, cheater!" He shook his head.

Stevie laughed and got off her horse to look for her hat. Alex dismounted Captain as well and picked it up for her, but not without scooping up a bit of dirt before, which passed unnoticed. "You do realize that I'll get back at you for that."

"Does it look like I care? Thanks." She took her hat from him and put it back on her head without looking, which caused the dust to trickle through her hair quickly, getting caught up in her curls, gushing underneath her collar and into her clothes, sticking to her sweaty body. She closed her eyes for a moment in disgust. "Not funny."

Alex laughed, which earned him a light punch in the arm. "You're such a child."

"We're even now. Come on," he took her hat, shook it to remove the last bits of earth, and put it back on her head, "let's go home."

Home. This was home. His home, her home, their home? Killarney, to her. Killarney, "the land where no love can grow", although that statement remained to be proved. _Their_ home – what a thought to get used to! She still felt like a guest in that house, that big, fancy house, built of foreign freestone, Liz Ryan's dream home. The land, on the other hand – the land was something she could get used to, something she knew.

They mounted their horses again, and headed back. Stevie threw one last glance at the old gum tree. "I forgot to ask, why did we go here?"

Alex shrugged. "Just thought you might wanna know a bit more about this place, since you'll be here for a while…"

"A _while_?"

"Okay, a long while" he corrected himself, smiling in a way that got through to some part of her that she hadn't even known existed.

It made her feel uncomfortable, being touched in that way, but also good –a very confusing feeling indeed- so she tried to shrug off the awkwardness by a casual smile. "Sounds good to me."

--------------------------------------------------

"Here we are" Tess sighed, stopping Oscar, who still needed to be moved every once in a while.

She got off her horse and looked up at Charlotte, who hesitated for a moment. Tess smiled at her and took her hand, once she had dismounted Gadabout. They slowly walked over to the small yard in silence. She had been quite surprised at first when her niece had asked to come here – on the other hand, it seemed understandable.

Tess nodded briefly on passing Jack's grave. "Dad."

"You talk to him?" Charlotte asked curiously, observing the plain stone that marked the burial place of "The Big Fella".

"Sometimes."

"But he's dead."

"Well, who are we to say he can't still hear us? Just because we don't see something doesn't mean it's not there."

The girl looked puzzled at this bit of philosophical musing. Tess hoped she hadn't freaked her out. It was consoling to her, to imagine that, on some level, they were still there. That her family existed, that nothing was lost forever. She wanted to believe in it, and she was convinced that, on some level, she was right – although Claire probably would have laughed at her.

"You sometimes talk to my mum, too?"

"Occasionally. Yes."

A glimmer of hope flickered up in Charlotte's eyes. "You think…she's still there? Like, that she knows what's going on?"

"On some level. And I think she definitely knows." Tess smiled, swallowing down the lump in her throat, and squeezed her niece's hand. "Come on."

She moved on a few steps to the next stone. "Prudence Claire McLeod. She was your grandmother."

"My mum's mum, right? Not…yours."

"Yes." It had been quite complicated to explain all of the family relations to her niece.

"How come your mum's not here?"

"We didn't live here. After my mum and me moved to the city, we never came back."

Charlotte frowned. "Oh. But….if my grandma isn't your mum…doesn't that mean…"

"What?"

"I mean…does that mean I'm only, like, your half-niece?"

"Nonsense, BOM. There's nothing half about you" Tess quoted her sister with a smirk. She put an arm around Charlotte's shoulders. "It doesn't matter."

"Okay" the girl smiled broadly. "Who's Adam, though?"

"He was your mum's brother. He died as a baby, along with your grandma."

"Oh. That's sad."

"Yes, it is."

They stopped in front of the grave they had come for. "Uh, hi, Mum" Charlotte muttered timidly.

Tess let go of her niece and kneeled down in front of the headstone, removing the withered wild flowers as well as well as the crumpled rose, and put down a few yellow tulips Meg had managed to grow in her very own vegetable patch in spite of the climate. She took three of them out of the small bunch, and put one in front of each of the other stones.

Charlotte followed her example, laying down a few purple flowers she had picked herself at her mother's grave. It had been hard to find any at all. She looked over at her aunt expectantly.

Tess smiled, and decided to give her a few moments in private. "I'll just be…over there, if you need me, all right?" She wasn't exactly sure what for, but somehow, she couldn't shake off the feeling that this situation was intimidating for her niece, that she felt something was expected of her. Charlotte had never known her mother, never grieved, but been aware of her absence. Truth be told, Tess wasn't quite sure what to tell her. It was hard to find the right words.

She shuffled over to another tree a few feet away, and leaned against the stem. The bark felt dry and warm against her back, and Tess could feel the sunrays on her face. The air was standing with the afternoon heat, not a breeze to relieve it; no sound cut through it. This was her land, the land where her family lay. All silent. She could hear Charlotte talking quietly, but didn't understand what was being said. The heat felt good, in a way, numbing her mind. Thoughts drifted by on the surface, coming and going. All still.

After a while, she turned around and slowly approached her niece, who was still standing in front of Claire's headstone. "You okay?"

Charlotte shrugged helplessly. "I didn't know her, Auntie Tess. It's weird, I'm not- I didn't know her."

Tess put an arm around her shoulders again. "It's okay. I know what you mean. She's still a part of you, though. You're her daughter, and there's a lot of her inside you."

"You think?" she smiled.

"Definitely. You ready to go?"

Charlotte nodded. "I'll see you soon, Mum."

They headed back to their horses, but the girl turned around once more to look back. "You think she'd mind?"

"Mind what?"

"Well, sometimes…I call Julia 'Mum', you know" she admitted quickly, chewing her lower lip.

Tess bit her tongue on accident. She could feel her heart pounding fiercely in her chest, as if it were about to burst, and tried to steady her breath, about to utter the biggest lie she had ever told about Claire. "No, she- I think she'd just want you to be happy."

Charlotte smiled. And that was all that mattered.


	21. The Healing

**Chapter 20**

_This is your home_

_And always will be_

_You take it with you_

_When you go_

"You got everything?" Tess asked once more, sounding stressed out. She was handing another plastic bag to Nick, who stored it in the back of the car. Somehow, their niece had accumulated a lot of stuff during her stay, stuff that hadn't fit into her small suitcase.

It was amazing, Alex thought, how could a seven-year-old own so many things? On the other hand, he couldn't help feeling a certain degree of satisfaction at the thought of Peter seeing all this. Yes, they had spoiled her, but what wrong could a little overindulgence do? If she wasn't growing up here, she should at least love the place as much as possible. And people were wrong, to a degree, love could be bought.

Charlotte nodded, throwing another yearning glance at the training yard.

Tess sighed, following her gaze. "You already said goodbye to Gaddy, Charlotte. Twice." She ran a hand through her niece's hair, readjusting the small butterfly hairclip. "You need to get going, your dad's expecting you back for dinner."

Charlotte took the hairclip back out, trying to straighten her wavy hair with one hand. Alex smiled, although it was odd how Tess kept concentrating on these little details. She was buzzing around, arranging this, fixing that, putting things into order. "Have you got your towel, as well? And all your toys? Are you sure? Oh wait, it'll be a long drive, let me get you some water-"

"Tess, we already put some into the basket. There's plenty" Meg tried to calm her down. "She's all set."

Nick put a hand on his niece's shoulder. "Come on, Charlie" he said softly. "Time to go."

"Nooo" Emily whined, clinging to her cousin's arm.

_But we'll be here_

_And you belong_

_It's important that you know_

Jodi cleared her throat in a very unreal sounding manner. "Ahem! Don't you think you forgot something?"

Tess threw her a questioning look, before her face lit up. "Oh, hang on, that's right. We've got a present for you."

"Pressies?" Charlotte inquired with sparkling eyes.

"It's from all of us. Well, actually, it was Alex's idea."

"That's right, it's all the result of my brilliant mind" he winked with a smirk.

"What is it?" BOM asked.

"It's a surprise!" Tess shouted quickly, throwing her daughter a warning glare.

Emily shut her mouth with an unusual amount of self-control, but only for a moment. "Can I go get it, Mummy?" A short nod from her mother was enough to send her running back into the house.

Charlotte looked back and forth between her aunts, uncle, Meg and Alex, smiling hesitantly, although her excitement was clearly visible. She was holding Pipo, a soft, white dog, the only stuffed animal she had brought, tightly clutched to her chest. Alex had only seen her carry it around only once before, when Emily had wanted to play with it.

She was tall for her age, but somehow, seeing her with the stuffed animal made her seem more vulnerable, made him realise that she was still very young. And, in a way, that was consoling, really. There were many more childhood years to come, many more visits she would spend at Drover's.

_Know we love you_

_Know you're precious_

_One day soon you'll understand_

Emily came back with a broad smile on her face and a medium-sized box, wrapped in red gift paper.

"Go on, give it to her" Nick encouraged his daughter.

"That's for you" the little girl declared generously, passing the present on to her cousin. "I got one for my birthday, but-"

"Emily!" five adult mouths exclaimed almost simultaneously.

"Come here." Meg took Em aside. "Let Charlie open it. We don't want to spoil the surprise, do we?"

"Go on, open it" Jodi repeated impatiently with an excited grin on her face.

After a few unsuccessful attempts to remove the ribbon from the box carefully, Charlotte simply tore the paper off. A plain brown box appeared, but when she took the lid off, her jaw dropped. "Oh…wow! That is so cool!"

Alex smiled, that look was priceless. He had been looking forward to seeing her expression when she opened the present all day. For a moment, they watched, letting her take in the sight, before everyone started chatting away all at once, wanting to explain something.

Charlotte merely stood there, taking her gift out of the box, touching it carefully, unaffected by all of the impatient talk that asked for some sort of reaction. Meg shook her head, watching four pairs of hands trying to seize hold of the light brown hat. They had already taken it from Charlotte and were putting it on her head, telling her how lovely, pretty or cool it looked.

"I reckon it would look much better if you let her breathe" Alex commented with a smirk.

Nick laughed, while the others moved back a bit.

_Not today_

_And not tomorrow_

_But you will know_

_You'll know in time_

_You'll understand_

BOM felt the hat with her hand and twirled, beaming broadly. "How does it look?"

Alex returned the smile. "Smashing! Fits perfectly."

Jodi nudged Tess, gloating. "See, I told you!"

Tess nodded and approached her niece again, closing a button of her light jacket, which had opened. "It's a pity Stevie can't be here. She helped pick it out. Don't forget to say thank you to her, too, sometime."

Charlotte jumped. "Oh, oh, I forgot! Thank you!"

"You're welcome."

"We figured you needed a hat, now that you're gonna come for a visit more often" Nick explained. "You can't run around like this all the time. Although _some people_ never wear theirs." He looked at his daughter.

Emily scowled. "It makes my hair sweaty, Daddy! Though it looks pretty."

"I'll wear it all the time" Charlotte pledged. "Even to school."

Alex smirked. "Not sure your teachers would like that."

"Claire used to do that" Meg said reminiscently.

She was right, Alex thought, Claire had done that. It was a detail which had escaped his mind, like many other things. Sometimes, he could picture her so clearly and it seemed as if she should come round the corner any minute, at other times, there were little things he couldn't retrieve, the tone of her voice when she would say this or that, things that had become blurred by time. He wouldn't have thought that possible.

But here they were, all of them, and they smiled, and laughed, and lived – who would have expected that? Seven years, painfully close, yet a lifetime away.

He looked at Charlotte. He smiled.

_Go with our blessing_

_Hurry back_

_There'll be such joy when you return_

"Anyway…" Meg hugged the child. "Take care, sweetheart. And don't forget to call when you arrive. We'll see you back here really soon, okay?"

After Jodi and Emily had said their goodbyes, the latter rather reluctant to do so, it was his turn, inevitably. He didn't really know what to say or do, this wasn't his sort of thing. Charlotte was staring at him with a wondrous expression. He cleared his throat. "Well, I…guess we will see you back real soon."

She nodded.

"Would be nice."

"Yeah."

There was so much more he wanted to say, so much he wanted to explain, but this was not the right time. Not yet. It was a consolation to think that one day, he would be able to tell her everything, however, there was a possibility that that time would never come. He wanted her to know, to understand…what exactly?

"We'll miss you" he mumbled quickly, so he wasn't sure whether she had heard it at all.

Charlotte didn't answer, but made two quick steps forward and hugged him around the waist, which caused her hat to fall down. He held on to her for a moment, swallowing down that strange lump in his throat, then patted her back lightly and let go of her. "Bye." His own voice sounded foreign, distant to him.

_Yes we'll be here_

_We'll always love you_

_That's all you need to know_

Finally, Tess pulled her niece into a tight embrace. She kissed her cheek, stroked her hair and whispered something that wasn't discernable to him. The girl clung to her for a moment, before her aunt moved back carefully and smiled. "See you soon, BOM."

There was another, final hug from Emily, another ascertainment that they would be allowed to talk on the phone soon enough, but after that, there was nothing left to delay it any further. Charlotte grabbed her hat, got inside the car with her uncle and, under much waving from everyone, Nick drove off with her. Emily ran after the car for a few metres, but gave up quickly.

Alex watched them vanish in the distance at a rapid speed. A bit of dust spiralled upward where the wheels had touched the dry earth, and was gone again. He could see Charlotte waving, turned around in her seat –she should really put on her seatbelt- until she, too, became indistinct, a dot in a small, red vehicle.

It was Meg who was first to break up the round. "I'll put the kettle on."

"I'm definitely up for a cuppa" Jodi agreed.

Alex nodded. "Me too."

"Mummy?"

Emily's voice drew his attention to Tess, who was still gazing at the road thoughtfully, where there was nothing to be seen anymore. She wasn't crying, but her eyes were a bit watery and she seemed strangely stiff. "Go and help Auntie Meg, honey. I'll be right there."

"Come on, we'll go make some tea for everyone." Meg took the little girl's hand, smiling.

"With cookies?"

"You already had some this morning. You're gonna be sick."

"No, I'm not." She looked back at her mother again, before going back to the house with Meg reluctantly.

"You can never have too many cookies" Jodi remarked, following them. "Except for this one time, at school, when Taylor Pascoe got boxes and boxes sent from her mum –they were supposed to last till Christmas- but we had a pyjama party and somehow, this bet came up over who could eat the most, and my friend Kate got awfully sick. She didn't really want to participate at first, but then Will Nolan –who was an idiot, anyway-…"

Alex looked back at Tess. "You all right?"

"Sure." She smiled half-heartedly. "Fisher is not the end of the world, remember?"

"Guess not. You'll see her way more often now."

"I know."

_Yes, we love you_

_Hold the feeling_

_When you have the words to say_

_You'll understand_

_Before tomorrow_

_That this had to be the way_

As Tess turned around and headed back to the house, he smiled to himself. No, Fisher wasn't the end of the world. It was going to be okay, all of them were going to be fine, he knew that now. Somehow, they had always been. They had survived through everything, and if he had gotten anything out of it, it was that somehow, life went on. For all the mistakes he had made, all the guilt nagging at him, he knew one thing now: He was lucky. Although he was still looking for something more, things were more than all right the way they were already.

And with great perplexity, he noticed that the gaping, indistinct hole he felt more or less strongly at different times didn't hurt as much anymore. It was just sort of there, really, but not as something that drained all happiness from his life. And he could look at Charlotte, and be thankful for his second chance. And he could look at Stevie, and…well, life was full of possibilities. For the first time in years, he felt a sense of direction.

As for Charlotte, she was going to be fine, and wasn't that what mattered most? It wasn't about forgetting, he thought, but about letting go of the past. And still, he found himself picturing that other life they had never led every once in a while. That probably wouldn't change.

What strange thoughts for an ordinary morning. Alex turned around and headed back to the house to have a cup of tea with his friends, reminding himself not to stay for too long, because his help was needed to round up the cattle.

Roy was lying on the front porch. "Come here, boy!" The dog merely raised its head for a brief moment before putting it back on its paws, too lazy to get up.

"Silly old bugger."

Not lost anymore.

_You'll understand_


End file.
